Con Artist Is Such A Strong Word
by SLYSWN
Summary: Summary: Sure-fire way to catch the berry: Pose as a Gardener? StarrkxIchigo AU FIN
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Isn't high time we learned more about the Coyote? Isn't it? Then why did you kill him off Kubo-sensei? Why? Right as always my name is SLY and I do not own the Coyote or anything/anyone in BLEACH.**

**A/N The last time I played with the Coyote and the Berry was Around February. Here it is July and lookie lookie Coyote and the Berry. Woo hoo! Ahooo! **

**A/N 2 Since when does a one-shot have a prologue? Shrugs, since now.**

**Warnings: AU, StarrkxIchigo, others, OOC, Spelling, Grammar, Punctuation, Language, etc etc etc**

**For a very special artist/reader/reviewer: MISZXBRII**

**Summary: Sure-fire way to catch the berry: Pose as a **_**Gardener?**_

**CON ARTIST IS SUCH A STRONG WORD**

**Prologue**

_**Sure something should have tipped him off when the sign read 'Lady Rangiku's Futuristic Readings' (for those with an open mind) but Coyote Starrk liked to consider himself an adventurous kind of man.**_

_**One who liked to dive nose first into things.**_

_**At age 25, he was single, bored and looking for a human heater-even though he himself was already pretty warm-okay so he was really looking for a tight ass to sink into but that sounded pretty tacky not to mention perverted so-**_

_**He pulled off his fedora and entered the tent.**_

_**()()()**_

_**Lady Rangiku looked to be in her early 30's. She also appeared to be a buxom ginger-champagne blonde with a bubbly personality. **_

'_**But really,' thought Starrk 'She doesn't have to try so hard. She could be even more attractive if she left a little to the imagination.'**_

_**Starrk wasn't here to offer the woman tips and tricks he was here to find out if there was love in his future.**_

_**()()()**_

_**Lady Rangiku covered her face with a scarf and then started humming. After a moment or two she lifted the scarf from her face and powder blue eyes met slate gray.**_

"_**I see a roof."**_

_**Starrk raised a brow. "A roof?" **_

"_**Yes and on this roof there is a young man."**_

_**Starrk wanted to ask her something about the roof but instead he found himself asking "Is he cute?"**_

_**Lady Rangiku smiled, "Very cute but he is currently frowning at the moment."**_

'_**I know a way to wipe that frown from his cute face' thought Starrk.**_

"_**Why is he frowning?"**_

_**The woman shook her head,**_

"_**The ball does not say but you must go to him."**_

"_**Go to him?"**_

_**Did that mean-?**_

"_**Where?"**_

"_**I am seeing…yes I am seeing a gardener-you must pose as a gardener to get this young man."**_

_**Well Starrk has never been much of an actor but perhaps Lilinette, who is majoring in drama, could give him a few pointers.**_

"_**Are you telling me to change my appearance?"**_

_**He wanted to be perfectly clear on everything.**_

"_**No. Change nothing well except for your underwear of course but the ball tells me that you already change your under wear every day so-"**_

_**Okay apparently Lady Rangiku was also a shameless flirt.**_

"_**When should I approach this young man?"**_

_**Lady Rangiku grinned at Starrk. "Soon."**_

"_**Soon? How soon?"**_

"_**Today if possible. Yes you must drive by his house."**_

"_**And where is his house?"**_

"_**The ball tells me that the young man lives near a health club, yes and this health club is an exclusive one. I am seeing…yes this young man works out at this health club on weekends."**_

_**There were many health clubs in Seireitei. Starrk needed the woman to be a little more descriptive then that.**_

"_**What does this health club look like? What is it called?"**_

"_**It is white with many doors," a pause "I am seeing…three men now. One has silver hair, the second has an aristocratic face and the third, ah it seems the third man is thinking about the same young man that you yourself are about to meet."**_

_**Starrk wasn't violent but if something or someone would try to come between him and his human heater-he would not just stand back and-**_

"_**Competition?"**_

"_**No the ball does not spell competition but yes the youth has many admirers."**_

"_**And posing as a gardener will win him over?"**_

_**It was very strange but perhaps he'd-**_

"_**He is very fond of roof tops and gardens."**_

"_**Why?"**_

"_**He spends a lot of his time there."**_

"_**Planting flowers, panting roof tiles, that sort of thing?"**_

"_**I can not tell you that, you will see for yourself."**_

"_**What is his name?"**_

_**This was probably a question Starrk should've asked from the start but-**_

"_**I am seeing…something with a K-yes a K!"**_

_**Something about the way her eyes shifted and the way her voice went up another notch told Starrk that the woman knew more than she was revealing.**_

"_**Last name or first?"**_

"_**The ball can not answer that question." A perfectly manicured hand came over 'said' ball. **_

"_**Why not?"**_

"_**It is foggy but perhaps if you give me a back rub I can **__**find**__** the answer."**_

_**It wasn't the first time Starrk had been hit on by a woman. And (like the average man) he had fooled around with one or two in the past and found that they were more trouble then they were worth. Still perhaps he would consider if-**_

"_**Lady Rangiku if I agree and I am not saying that I will but if I agree to your terms do you promise to tell me everything I need to know?"**_

_**He was going to do whatever it took to get a proper reading for surprise, surprise it seemed the woman had some talent.**_

"_**I will not only tell you everything," a playful wink. "I'll take you there."**_

"_**Take me there?"**_

_**This was beginning to sound a lot like-**_

"_**Of course. This young man is a former student of mine."**_

_**Well Starrk certainly hadn't seen that one coming.**_

"_**Student?"**_

"_**Ah ah now now first you get over here and the I'll tell you the rest." **_

_**She looked like she wanted to devour him now. Only the itty bitty table and the crystal ball was separating them.**_

"_**Very well but just a massage."**_

_**Powder blue eyes danced "Of course," a smile "After all one must never over step professional boundary lines."**_

_**TO BE CONCLUDED**_

_**A/N No this is not A StarrkxMatsumoto Story. And No they DID NOT get all hot and heavy in that tiny little tent. **_

_**It is quite simple. Rangiku is a shameless flirt who loves MEN. If she is leading Starrk to his 'human heater' aka ICHIGO then she wants something in return.**_

_**If this does not appeal to you, then do not stick around for the rest.**_

_**THANK YOU FOR READING**_

_**~SLY~**_


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Coyote and the Berry. It rings well sorta. I am not Kubo-sensei!

A/N My apologies for the wait

Warnings: AU, StarrkxIchigo, Rangiku, Kazeshini, Tousen, others, OOC, Spelling, Grammar, Punctuation, Language, etc etc etc

For a very special artist/reader/reviewer: MISZXBRII

_Summary: Sure-fire way to catch the berry: Pose as a Gardener?_

**It **was larger than a standard house but smaller than a mansion-not that Coyote Starrk cared about how big or small the living space might be. He only cared about the individual who was living there.

The guy was younger than he had expected but then again Starrk didn't really care about things like age gaps anyway. He was more curious in finding out if the orange haired male's thighs were as soft as they looked from his current view in the truck.

Yes a truck of all things-He had been doubtful at first, turning to Lady Rangiku with a raised brow-

'_Don't you perhaps have something a little less conspicuous then this?'_

Lady Rangiku just sent him an assuring smile

'_The young man will not notice you for his mind is elsewhere.'_

Elsewhere indeed.

Dressed in nothing more than a plain white tee and navy blue short shorts-sweat dripping from his brow-he was hissing and snarling at the massive satellite dish-which refused to stay bolted down to its roof.

Starrk smiled.

'_Very cute indeed.'_

"Why don't you step out of the vehicle and go say hello?"

Starrk had almost forgotten that Lady Rangiku was still with him-never mind that the truck was hers-he had been quite caught up in-

"What did you say his name was?"

Lady Rangiku's voice was playful as she answered "Oh he has many names but he likes it best when people call him Ichigo."

'_Ichigo hmm I think I like that.'_

_Still-_

"What do you mean by he has many names?"

Lady Rangiku finished applying a third coat of lip-gloss before offering her reply "Well as I stated earlier during your reading, he has many admirers and as such he has adapted to nicknames and things of that nature."

"I see."

"So what are you waiting for? Get going."

Starrk considered the woman's words for a few minutes but then he thought better of it.

"Actually I think I'll take my leave for now."

He leaned over Lady Rangiku's large chest and unlocked the doors paying no attention to the way her heart had suddenly sped up-

Then he righted himself and opened the passenger door, tipping his hat to her before stepping out of the vehicle.

"Gardener right?"

Looking a bit breathless and glossy eyed the ginger blonde nodded.

"I'll be in touch."

Powder blues danced. "I bet you will."

Starrk ignored the all too noticeable purr in the woman's voice and then set off down the opposite end of the street away from the house.

()()()

Rangiku watched through her rear view window until the man disappeared around the corner and then sighed like a dreamy schoolgirl.

If only he hadn't been a client-if only she had met him during off hours-if only

'_I were 10 years younger and had been born with a penis.'_

She let out a whimsical laugh and then revved the engine before pulling away from the curb.

()()()

Up in the tree tops-from behind binoculars pale iridescent eyes watched the two figures (1 male, 1 female) in the large bright red truck down at the end of the corner.

Watched as the duo watched the youth up on the rooftops-watched as the man undressed said youth with his eyes-watched as the woman pulled her low cut blouse down even further-watched as the youth on the roof remained completely oblivious as he continued to struggle with the satellite dish-

A few minutes later-pale iridescent eyes watch as the man steps out of the truck and bids the woman good bye-watches as the woman laughs to herself before driving off-watches as the youth starts making his way down the ladder

This is Kazeshini's cue to climb down from the tree tops-for this youth also happens to be-well for lack of a better word his employer.

The orange haired male had given him a week off but much like always Kazeshini has chosen to come back early and why?

Because he has no desire to stay away from the young master.

()()()

Kurosaki Ichigo does not like to admit defeat-especially when it comes to the likes of stupid and ridiculously large over-priced satellite dish.

Stomping into the house, slamming the door and smashing his fist against the wall-

"Top of the line my ass! That shitty hat and clogs ripped me off!"

"Really Kurosaki I honestly don't know what you think you can accomplish by attacking an inanimate object."

Face softening at the sound of the all too familiar nasally tone which can only belong to one Ishida Uryu. Ichigo makes his way into the living room and greets his guest.

"Ishida, what are you doing here? And don't you ever get tiered of breaking into my house?" There is amusement in his tone.

"Its hardly breaking and entering when you leave the back door wide open Kurosaki."

The orange haired youth shrugged. "It's a safe neighborhood and besides I was up on the roof so it's not like anyone would have-

"You're missing the point," The bespectacled youth pushed his glasses up higher on his nose before continuing, "If you don't want people to just waltz into your house you should lock your doors."

"No need when Kazeshini is here."

"Kazeshini?"

"The latest member of my cleaning staff. He can bake too-

"Let me see if I get this straight, you're letting a stranger watch over your house while you're out dancing on the rooftops?"

Ichigo scowled. "I wasn't dancing!"

Uryu rubbed the sides of his temples. "Once again you are missing the point Kurosaki."

"Oh? And what point might that be Ishida?"

"You're too trustworthy."

Ichigo snorted. "Whatever." He kicked off his shoes and sat down on the couch motioning for the black-haired male to do the same. "So I know you didn't just come over to lecture me what brings you here?"

"Ah yes the reason for my visit." A pause "Are you free next Saturday?"

"Depends. What's happening on Saturday?"

()()()

Starrk didn't want to waste any time. He wanted to put the plan into action as soon as possible. He took off his shoes and then called out to the only other occupant in the house.

"I'm back."

He heard a snort. Seemed Lilinette wasn't in the best of moods. "Took you long enough."

"I had some things to take care of."

"Yeah, yeah did you bring me my licorice or not?"

"I have it but I'm not giving it to you until you agree to do something for me."

"Stop talking to me from the hall way and come into the kitchen and sit down like a normal person."

That was his little sis (although she wasn't so little any more) always so demanding.

()()()

"So what do you want?"

"I need a-well not a costume exactly but look do you think you could make me look like a gardener?"

Lilinette Gingerback eyed her half brother strangely. It wasn't like him to make such an unusual request. Realizing that she wouldn't be able to properly help him with out knowing all of the details first she leaned back in her chair and prompted Starrk to tell his story.

"Tell me what happened."

()()()

"First of all in order to pull this is off you're going to need a hell of a lot more than some silly costume-you're going to need legal looking documents, perhaps a business card or two and at the very least you need to the learn the basics of gardening."

"I don't have time for all of that Lili. Isn't there another way to-

"Look Starrk you either want my help or you don't?"

"I do."

"Good. Now here's what you're going to do."

()()()

"Well as you know my father doesn't support my life choices."

Yes Ichigo did know all about Ishida's old man Ryuken, the guy was far more concerned with society's opinion than he was with his son's happiness.

"Ah."

"I'm asking you this not only as a friend but also as family. Kurosaki will you give me away on my wedding day?"

Ichigo blinked. "Um Ishida are you sure you really want me to play such an important role in your-?

"Sado views you like a brother and despite all of our differences I'd like to consider you as my brother too."

"Sado said all of that?"

Uryu smirked. "Well his exact words were: Ichigo is the only one who I can trust to not touch you as anything more than a friend."

Ichigo wanted to laugh. He had known Chado since they were 12 and the shaggy haired male didn't seem like the possessive type.

"Next Saturday?"

"Yes."

"Sure."

()()()

A few days later…

They were in the upstairs den playing pool-as always the green tea haired girl was winning.

"First things first-a costume. We're going to keep it as simple as possible. Gardening gloves and overalls."

"Overalls?" Starrk was 25 not 5-he wasn't too thrilled about wearing overalls "How about blue jeans instead?"

Lilinette shook her head. "You need to look like a farmer, like the backyard is your sanctuary. Hiyori said you should develop a back round story to go along with the fake documents that Love is drawing up for you. Then Risa is going to lend you her Poncho."

His younger sister sometimes truly amazed him. In the span of 48 hours she had managed to round up her fellow actors and together the group had set out to help Starrk achieve his goal.

He'd been forced to memorize Gardening Tips and Tricks for Dummies. Hedging 101 and So You Want to Be A Gardener-indeed it was ultra helpful to have a photographic memory-made things much easier.

"Lili what do I need a poncho for?"

"You've always said you wished to explore your Latin roots, now will be the perfect chance."

'_Hmm that does make some sense I suppose but-_

Starrk didn't know much about his biological father and during his teen years it had been quite a challenge to get along with other boys and girls his age-he'd never felt like he quite fit in anywhere.

Preferring to spend his afternoons sleeping or at the gun range.

He tracked his father down once-shortly after Lili's 16th birthday-sent him a letter -rather then telling his son to come out to the islands and visit-the man had sent Starrk a 500 hundred dollar check and told him to

'_Never contact me again.'_

Starrk wasn't the type of man to be bitter and besides he didn't need anyone else but Lili

Lilinette didn't know her father either. The guy had walked out on their mother shortly after he knocked her up-but she didn't care.

'_No skin off my back.'  
_

Their mother had passed away a year ago but Starrk and Lilinette didn't bother mourning the woman's death because she hadn't been much of a mother at all-preferred spending her afternoons snorting coke and bringing random men (and the occasional woman) into the house.

Starrk and Lilinette had basically raised themselves.

"I don't need a poncho or overalls. I just need to convince Ichigo (ahh how he loved saying the name) that I will make his garden look better than ever."

"And what happens when you get there and don't have the slightest idea on how to trim a hedge or start a lawnmower?"

"How hard can it be?"

"Memorizing books and actually performing gardening techniques are two entirely different things Starrk.

Starrk was an intelligent man. He figured landscaping a garden would be as simple as tying his shoe.

()()()

The fresh aroma of morning muffins was a wonderful way to wake up after a long night of bitchy clientele and perverted co-workers.

He'd rather not think about them though-

The sun was warm on his skin-The orange haired male let out a contented sigh before moving into his morning stretches.

Ichigo loved his job at _**Shatter**_-it was one of the best health clubs in Seireitei and he had been more than happy to fill in for Ulquoirra's shift (the green-eyed male had been feeling under the weather) when Tousen-san had called him in yesterday evening.

More money in his pocket meant he could get closer and closer to his goal of creating the most perfect garden for his mother.

She would have been 38 this year and her birthday was coming up in a few short weeks so he wanted to complete what the woman had started 6 years ago.

His long time friend/short term former girlfriend, Rukia had told him to stop being

'_Such an idiot and hire some one to finish the garden.'_

The raven-haired woman did have a point but at the same time Ichigo didn't like the idea of a bunch of strangers coming and turning his mother's pride and joy into some wild jungle or something-

'_That's why you hire professionals dummy.'_

Again Rukia did have a point but Ichigo still didn't feel quite right about the whole thing.

He opened up his bedroom window and looked at the half completed garden.

'_Maybe its time I swallow my pride and ask for some assistance after all.'_

Deciding that he didn't want to make an official decisions just yet Ichigo slipped on his navy blue bath robe and then made his way downstairs.

()()()

One week after Kazeshini had been hired he had memorized everything about the young master-from the way Ichigo purred in his sleep (yes he watched the orange male while he was blissfully off in dreamland) to the way Ichigo insisted on drinking his juice before coffee each morning to the way the young master would groan in irritation when he was being forced into something he really didn't like to do.

To say that Kazeshini had a crush on his employer wouldn't quite be a strong enough description for his feelings towards the younger male-

Kazeshini didn't just spend his time daydreaming and spying on the orange haired male-he did everything in his power to ensure that Ichigo had the best of the best.

Spending countless hours in the kitchen baking the single most mouth watering sugary treats in existence-and if they didn't exist then the male with pale iridescent eyes would create them from scratch.

The rest of the house staff didn't think much of Kazeshini-often calling him shameless peeping-tom among other things-the rest of the house staff would often run to the young master and for lack of a better word-try to do everything and anything to get Kazeshini out of the house.

It was ridiculous and far beyond childish but Kazeshini wasn't looking for friends any way-he wasn't looking for much of anything-

Even when the orange haired male was looking extra delicious in his too-tight fitting shirts and pants Kazeshini made no move to molest his employer-though the temptation to do so was always there-

Kazeshini's half brother, Shuhei didn't understand why he wished to torture himself in such away.

'_If you like the guy. Hang up your apron and ask him out!'_

It wasn't that simple though-

The young master was not cold-on the contrary-Ichigo was friendly to all of the hired help-Kazeshini included-but there was a wall or shell of some sort there-the orange haired male didn't let others get close to him-

And unlike Cirucci, the slutty maid from Kansas, Kazeshini was not about to parade around in his underwear all in the hopes of catching the eye of the young master- (1)

He'd much rather watch as those pretty brown orbs lit up with childlike delight when its owner bit in a fresh cinnamon roll or a chocolate mousse cake-rather watch the younger male savor each and ever flavor-

From what Kazeshini had observed with in the short time he had known Ichigo-smiling was a rare thing-

More often than not Kazeshini was on the receiving end of the young masters smile and in the end that's what mattered most-

'_Still I wish he'd learn to tie his bathrobe before coming down for breakfast each mornin'_

The orange haired male had entered the kitchen just then wearing nothing more than his ridiculously short black silky boxers and a navy blue fluffy bathrobe-

A large part of Kazeshini wished just once he could give into his urges and rake his black-red painted finger nails over that lithe and sexy torso-wish he could bend the young master over the counter top and-

"Morning Kaze!"

That was another thing-if any one else had dared to bastardize his name like that they'd find themselves with a missing limb or two-but with Ichigo-

'_If I were a fox I'd be wagging my tail right now.'_

"Morning Ichigo."

The orange haired male hated being addressed as master or sir or any number of silly titles-which was just fine with Kazeshini since he never cared much for formalities anyway.

()()()

After breakfast Ichigo received a call from Inoue. The buxom brunette invited him out for a day at the zoo of all things.

'_If you're not too busy that is?'_

Even over the phone the longing tone in Inoue's voice was more than obvious.

()()()

Ichigo felt a little guilty for never actually coming out and telling the woman '_Uh yeah I just don't see you like that. I don't see any woman like that.'_-felt bad for stringing her along on a leash like a clueless new born pup-but at the same time he thought it would have been pretty clear by now-

'_I mean I dressed as a Queen of Hearts last Halloween'_

"I'm so glad you came Kurosaki-kun."

"Anytime Inoue."

The brunette beamed up at him much like always and Ichigo offered her his arm.

It was the right thing to do. His mother raised him well.

"So Inoue which animals do you want to go see first?"

"Penguins. Kuchiki-san and Tatsuki-chan came over a few nights ago and we saw the cutest documentary about Penguins on television."

Ichigo really didn't care about penguins or some silly documentary but there was no reason to be rude to some one as sweet as Inoue.

He just wished she'd get over him and move on to some one new.

He wanted to see her happy just as he wished to see all of his friends happy.

'_Well Rukia did say something about a blind date so I wonder if-_

"So Inoue how did things go with Tesla was it?"

Ichigo was terrible with names. Unless he saw a person every day he didn't bother memorizing their name.

The buxom brunette bit her bottom lip. "Oh um Tesla-kun was nice and everything but um well I just-we didn't have the right amount of chemistry and-

"That's too bad. I mean what was he one of those self-absorbed asshole types or-?

Inoue shook her head and squeezed his arm a little tighter "No nothing like that-he was a perfect gentleman but I just-I got the feeling that he was just trying to get back at some one else."

Hearing this made Ichigo's blood boil. "You mean he was using you? What's his name? Where does he live? I'll round up the guys and we'll go kick his ass!"

The brunette giggled. "I don't think you'd get very far Kurosaki-kun I mean he um-the person that he was trying to make jealous is very um-

"Look Inoue I don't care. No one should treat you like that. I'm going to ring his door bell and punch his face in for wasting your time like that."

Inoue shook her head once more. "You don't understand Kurosaki-kun, Tesla-kun has uh-well his lover is um-

"Inoue I'm not going to attack his lover-on the contrary I'll probably pull her to the side and tell her to find a better man-

The brunette was still shaking her head. Ichigo frowned.

'_What is it I'm missing here?'_

"What? Is the guy like some fancy prince from Scotland or something?"

"Not exactly."

Ichigo furrowed his orange brows. He didn't quite understand what Inoue was trying to tell him.

"What then?"

She reached up to whisper in his ear just then '_Tesla-kun or rather Tesla-kun's lover is heavily associated with the Yakuza.'_

With every word Ichigo felt his temper rising.

"DID THOSE BASTARDS THREATEN YOU INOUE?"

"What? Oh no no Kurosaki-kun. Tesla-kun and Nnoitra-san were actually quite-

"Nnoitra? That's the bastards name. Did you catch his last name?"

"Um Kurosaki-kun I really don't think-I mean you're blowing this out of proportion and-

Ichigo turned to the brunette just then. Face completely serious. "You're like a sister to me Inoue and I won't let anything bad happen to you. Nor will I let anyone treat you like you're less than-

()()()

She couldn't help herself just then. Kurosaki-kun was the guy of her dreams. She had been pining after him for years and felt her heart break each time she had chickened out and refrained from confessing but now-

Now was the time!

She pulled him down and-

()()()

It was a lot like being kissed by a slug or something equally unpleasant.

Ichigo couldn't stand another second of it-he none to gently pushed the brunette away from him and glared at her-

"Inoue you need to stop!"

She looked at him with wide shocked wide eyes and he felt his gut churn.

But this had gone on for way too damn long.

A tear slipped down her flawless face.

"I'm sorry Inoue. I didn't mean to-

"It's okay Kurosaki-kun I mean-she trailed off, eyes falling to the ground.

"Inoue I-I didn't mean to push you like that but I-you're a great girl-I mean woman but I just-I like guys-

She met his gaze again "But you were with Kuchiki-san and Nel-chan and Ha-

"Rukia helped me come to terms with my true self. Nel and I dated to keep her father off her case about arranged marriages and Halibel (Ichigo let out a snort) let's just say she uh-(even now Ichigo couldn't come out and say just what the blonde with poison green eyes had done to him-rather he started fumbling over his words and turning a lovely shade of pink-

"Forget it Kurosaki-kun I-you I mean it's none of my-(a broken laugh) "I should have I mean a part of me always knew but I guess I just hoped you would-I mean-

He closed the distance between them once more and just held her.

"I meant what I said Inoue. You're like a sister to me. And I look after my sisters. Now tell me where the guy lives."

()()()

That next afternoon

The young master stepped out for a short while. Kazeshini was left to keep an eye on the house.

'_I'm expecting a package somewhere in between noon and 2 o' clock. Can you just sign the slip, accept the package and put it on the coffee table in the living room?'_

'_Sure thing Ichigo.'_

'_Thanks. I'll be back in awhile.'_

A thin, sharp and deadly instrument flew out of his hand and across the room-only less than a micro-inch away from hitting the goateed stranger who was standing in the entrance door way.

Kazeshini was a little bit impressed with the stranger's quick reflexes but he certainly wasn't about to voice his opinion out loud. Rather he narrowed his pale iridescent orbs "What do you want?"

()()()

He was a little disappointed to see someone else who clearly was not Ichigo come to the door.

Starrk removed his bucket hat and sized up the other male before putting out his hand in order to introduce himself. "Afternoon, I'm from _Howling Landscapes."_

TBC

Right so…ONE-SHOT…UH HUH not the case anyway. I apologize to MISZXBRII AND ANY ONE else but uh yeah this is probably gonna be like a 3 shot.

Hope you'll come back for more.

~SLY~


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Lone Coyote and the Lone Berry belong to the one and only Kubo-sensei and I am not him!**

A/N Were you having doubts that this fic would not be updated? _Thou should have a lil more faith in Sly._

For: _**MiszxBrii**_

Warnings: AU, StarrkxIchigo, Rangiku, Kazeshini, Tousen, others, OOC, Spelling, Grammar, Punctuation, Language, blah blah ya ya.

_**Summary: Sure-fire way to catch the berry: Pose as a Gardener?**_

()()

2/3

It was not so much the idea of showing up at the _**Shattered**_ Healthclub on his day off that was out of the ordinary since Ichigo liked to work out when ever he had the chance but he hadn't even intended to work out today.

No he had something else planned.

And even though he really shouldn't he felt a bit nervous.

After all it was common sense 'Never mix business with pleasure. A worker (like himself) should/did know better than to fall for his boss.

Ichigo tried to forget about his crush on Tousen-san but it was damn near impossible-the very thought of the man just made him feel so warm and well-

This is why he had come here.

He was going to ask the man out.

Not as a long term thing-they didn't even have to do anything. He just wanted to be closer to Tousen-san -possibly even call the man by his first name Kaname.

Ichigo realized he was over stepping his boundaries a bit but at the same time he was legal so-

'_It's just one date because I don't feel like going to Chado and Ishida's wedding if he does say no well it's not the end of the world._

_Granted I'll probably feel a little awkward around him after he declines but-_

_Well what if he doesn't decline?'_

Ichigo jumped when the elevator door slid open just then revealing the very man who was in his thoughts.

Only much to his annoyance Tousen-san was not alone.

"Ichi-chan what brings yer here?"

Why the hell was the silver snake always the first one to greet him?

And why did Aizen have to always smirk at him like that every time he saw him?

"You look a bit flushed Ichigo-kun are you running a fever?"

Ichigo fought down the urge to glare at the two men.

Forcing a smile on his face instead-forcing himself to remember his manners. "After noon Ichimaru-san, Aizen-san, Tousen-san."

He waited as each of men took the turn to nod before continuing, "Uh Tousen-san if you're not busy there's actually something I'd like to talk to you about."

()()()

Kazeshini raised a brow. He had never heard of a place called _Howling Landscapes_ nor did he remember the young master putting a help wanted add in the paper.

Tempting as it was to just slam the door right back in the taller man's face-he knew it probably wouldn't be wise to be unnecessarily rude without at least getting some more information first. "What's your name?"

The guy placed his hideously brightly colored bucket hat back on top of his head and answered, "The name is Starrk, Coyote Starrk."

'_Right.' Thought Kazeshini 'A guy with the last name Coyote just so happens to work for a company with the word howling in it?'_

He most definitely was not in the mood for pranks. "Let's see some proof."

()()

Starrk was not a violent or stubborn man nor was he the type to cause unnecessary war or drama. But truthfully this punk was starting to irritate him.

What the hell was this guy doing at Ichigo's house anyway?

A jealous ex perhaps?

A mentally unstable cousin?

A fiercely protective brother?

The way cool iridescent eyes narrowed even further Starrk was going to run with the third thought.

Brother complex.

Not unheard of and in fact Starrk had encountered this exact same type of guy in the past so on the plus side he was confident that he could handle this.

Reaching into the pocket of his jacket Starrk pulled out the freshly laminated business card and passed it to the younger male.

"I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't heard of _Howling Landscapes_ before. We were over seas and there was this whole document mix up and-

()()

Kazeshini couldn't put his finger on it but there was something vaguely familiar about the symbol in the corner of the card. He could swear he had seen it somewhere not too long ago.

Still-

"We'll give you a week-consider it a trial period. During that time you will be given a number of tasks. If for any reason you should anger or upset Ichigo then I will show you the true meaning of howl when I shove my pointed leather boot up your ass." A challenging grin "Think you're ready ole' timer?"

Truthfully the goateed male didn't look a day over 27 but that wasn't the damn point!

()()

Starrk refrained from letting out a sigh.

'_Brother complex indeed-which means I'll just have to work double time to get him to trust me.'_

Mind made up Starrk went ahead with the next practiced line.

"At Howling Landscapes we have one goal: To surpass all expectations of the client."

()()()

Kazeshini held his tongue as he then snapped out "Take off your shoes!"

The young master didn't care about whether or not someone tracked mud or dirt on the carpet but Kazeshini did care.

Be it friend or foe he would demand that the person remove their shoes before stepping inside.

Because Kazeshini felt that the only one who should have the right to waltz around barefoot was Ichigo since the young master's feet were just as pretty as the rest of him.

()()()

Renji had agreed to accompany him Ichigo when he went to confront the Yakuza who had Inoue only to back out at the last minute.

Normally Ichigo would have asked Chado to accompany him but his shaggy haired best friend had more pressing matters to attend to-finalizing the preparations for his wedding and what not.

So Ichigo had bravely and boldly went into Yakuza territory by himself.

()()

It's a rather lavish looking house. Probably cost more than he made in a year-not that Ichigo had financial problems. No his late parents had seen to it that he could live quite comfortably for the rest of his life without having to lift a finger.

Course the option of lazing around day after day doing nothing hadn't held any sort of appeal to the orange haired youth at all.

()()()

Ichigo rubbed his nose. It seemed someone was thinking of him-who ever it was he hoped it was something good.

Or rather that it was a certain someone.

An older man-with delicious dark skin and-

Ichigo pulled the collar of his shirt suddenly feeling a bit warm-not that it was entirely unusual-on the contrary it happened on the daily when ever the image, mention or thought of his boss came to mind.

The man hadn't said no so that was a good sign.

Tousen-san hadn't said yes either but still-

'_He promised he would give it some thought. So maybe just maybe-_

'_Snap out of it Ichigo! Now probably isn't the best time to be daydreaming about Tousen-san when your about to confront a Yakuza gang.'_

And yet the thoughts continued not quite against Ichigo's will.

'_I wonder what Tousen-san would think if he found out I was going into Yakuza territory. Wait! What am I talking about? If he found out well first I'd receive the lecture of a life time which wouldn't be so bad since I zone out half the time and just watch the fine curve of his lower lip-bet he taste amaz-_

Ichigo shook his head.

"Stop brain-just stop you need to focus on ensuring Inoue's safety right now-"

Yes that is what Ichigo had to do and so with his head back on track he pressed the doorbell and waited for an answer.

Hoping that even if the guy was Yakuza scum he would have enough brains to hear Ichigo out.

If possible the orange haired male would like to walk away without blood on his hands.

()()

When the door opened Ichigo did not expect to be 'greeted' by a tall sandy blond with a slender build dressed in a sheep costume of all things?

He looked at the address that he held in his hand and the numbers on the door-

It matched but…

"Are you lost?"

"Uh-well not lost exactly I uh-

Why the hell was Ichigo stumbling over his words like some teenage girl with her first crush?

Not that the blond wasn't good looking but-

'_I'm not attracted more like-_

"Tesla what the hell have I told ya about leavin' the fuckin' door wide open?"

Ichigo blinked.

Sheep guy was Tesla?

Then would that make-

Ichigo's mouth twisted into an angry snarl as he took in the appearance of the 7' foot tall dark haired male with mismatched eyes and a grin so damn wide that surely it had to have been botoxed that way.

Not that he gave a shit what the guy looked like or the fact that said guy was wearing nothing except for a ridiculously small towel around his waist which did nothing to hide the monstrosity he was keeping behind it-not that Ichigo really gave a damn about that either it was just-

'_Get it together you idiot. This guy threatened Inoue which means he's bad news and you can't play with him-correction you better not even attempt to play with him-he's a freakin' Yakuza and-_

"A pretty tangerine pet, really Tesla you shouldn't have-my birthday is not for another week or so." Grin growing wider "What's his name?"

()()()

She could feel it-her former student had caught the eye of another and unfortunately it was not the sexy man who had come to her in the beginning of the week but some one else-there was dangerous and somewhat sadistic aura around this one.

She had promised Ichigo that she would stop interfering in his potential love life but what kind of aunt would Matsumoto Rangiku be if she didn't pry in just a little bit? 

She had promised her late sister and Isshin that she would see to it that Ichigo found happiness.

The boy would never find it if he kept falling for the wrong man.

First it was the man who lived in the lonely estate on what was rumored to be a haunted hill, Kariya Jin.

It had taken Rangiku half a year to convince Ichigo that he didn't stand much of a chance with a man who honestly believed he was the reincarnated version of Dracula-albeit twice as handsome and refined.

Then there was the librarian and although normal compared to Kariya, Ukitake Jushiro had all of those health conditions-not to mention an on again/off again lover who had insane jealousy issues.

Once she had convinced Ichigo to choose someone else the orange haired male had moved on to one of the owners at the _**Shattered**_ health club-and although there was mutual attraction there-

Ichigo knew the rules: Never mix business with pleasure.

And yet he still continued to moon inappropriately over the man much to the amusement of his business partners, Gin and Aizen.

So Rangiku had taken matters into her own hands once more-strongly encouraging Starrk to sweep the berry off his feet. Truthfully the woman had hoped the man would make it happen over night but perhaps he was playing the suave Casanova card.

And there was nothing wrong with this but if Ichigo didn't get laid soon the irreversible transformation would happen and although Rangiku had no problem with change she knew the boy would.

So with this thought in mind Rangiku decided to speed things up with a little help from the goddess of the tealeaves.

()()()

Kazeshini still had baking to do so with a warning glare he left the goateed man alone in the garden-but just because he wouldn't be around didn't mean he wouldn't be watching every single move the 'landscaper' made.

()()()

Starrk didn't have many rules-and the one rule he did have probably couldn't even really be considered a rule-more like a habit-he liked to search though another's belongings-especially if said person was his potential love interest as was the case with Ichigo.

He reasoned that he could figure out who the orange berry was if he did a bit of exploring-tempting as it was to go back into the house and upstairs towards the bedroom-Starrk wouldn't feel right about going to Ichigo's private sanctuary.

Much too soon.

So instead he ventured into the living room and paused in front of the large mirror hanging right above the fireplace on the wall-the frame was unique-made entirely out of blown glass.

As Starrk scanned the rest of the room he noticed a pattern of sorts-blown glass figurines and lanterns decorated the other wise dark and dreary looking room.

He frowned. Something seemed off. Ichigo was young surely he couldn't really want to live in a place like-

'_Well perhaps he just likes boring and simplistic colors.'_

_A_nd yet even with these thoughts Starrk felt it didn't add up.

Lady Rangiku hadn't given him the impression that Ichigo was depressed but-

'_Well he did seem a bit stressed when he was struggling with the satellite dish but-_

Starrk shook his head. It wasn't fair of him to jump to conclusions like that. Perhaps someone else had decorated the house-a family member or former lover?

Not that it mattered. Starrk wasn't here to decorate Ichigo's house he was here to woo the orange haired youth.

So with this thought it mind combined with the nagging voice in his head, which sounded an awful lot like his sister Lili, Starrk made his way back out to the garden.

Not quite knowing where to start-he was no expert but the yard was such a mess.

He couldn't tell the difference between plant grower and weed killer-couldn't figure out if he should mow the grass or trim the hedge.

Indeed Starrk had memorized several gardening books front to back but-

()()()

It was true that Ichigo had never been invited into a Yakuza's home before but he was pretty certain of one thing-most Yakuza did not A) enjoy drinking fine red wine or freshly brewed coffee out of rainbow plastic cups B) put on plays.

At the moment Ichigo was currently sandwiched between Nnoitra and a guy named Kenpachi.

How this had happened he honestly couldn't say.

One minute he was outside the door and the next he was being ushered inside.

Quickly gathering that Nnoitra seemed to get a great delight out of humiliating others around him-mainly those that worked under him.

Though if Ichigo was going to be completely honest with him self it was somewhat amusing.

A bunch of grown men performing the infamous 'manger' scene-except there wasn't a baby or even a woman-no 3 wise men or even a manger it self-instead the 'stage' was set up like a night club in the roaring 20's and all of the men were dressed as barn animals.

They weren't exactly singing and their acting skills needed a bit of work it didn't seem to matter since they were apparently drunk of their asses.

Not that any of this mattered. Even if it was only early November it seemed like they were enjoying themselves.

He wanted to just get up and leave but every time he tried to get up he was pushed back down.

"Sit still pet this is the best part-

First of all Ichigo would like to point out that A) it was impossible to sit still when Kenpachi kept trying to touch his ass and B) Nnoitra kept trying to take a bite out of his neck-

The man succeeded on the 5th attempt-

"Damn you I'm not a Yakuza snack!"

Unfortunately for poor Ichigo the duo were amused by his out burst.

"He's the feistiest pet you've ever brought in Jiruga, I kinda wanna keep him for myself."

"Heh, no can do Zaraki. This is one pet I'm not passing around."

"What the fuck? What the hell is wrong with-look I uh-Ichigo found an amazing strength coming from out of nowhere and was able to break the hold-now that he was on his feet he could say what he intended to say in the first place- "I would never give myself over to Yakuza scum so back the fuck off! And secondly I came here for one reason and one reason only: Stay away from Inoue-you threaten her again and I'll-

As if on cue the music died and now the Yakuza were glaring at him

The vein above Nnoitra's brow twitched "Care to run that by me again one more time pet?"

()()

The goddess of the tealeaves was incredibly lazy and stubborn from time to time.

Enjoying making Rangiku's life as difficult as possible.

Swaying her bright red tail back and fourth and yawning lazily as the human asked for her help. "So what do you expect me to do about it old hag?"

Rangiku's left brow twitched angrily "Damn it Haineko how many times have I told you not to call me a hag!"

"You're over 40 so that makes you a hag!"

Rangiku wanted to strangle the neko goddess but refrained because if she resorted to violence Haineko would become even more stubborn.

"Every one deserves to be happy but Ichigo deserves the most happiness."

"Look old hag I've seen the boy he can handle himself-maybe it's time you realized that."

Rangiku let out a sigh. "I know Ichigo can handle himself-for the most part but-

"Oh what's the harm in the transformation anyway? He might even like it."

"No he will not. Almost all his life the older he gets he stresses over his hips-the last thing he'd want is a pair of boobs to go along with it."

Haineko rolled her eyes-as if she didn't give a damn one way or another what the champagne ginger human wanted from her.

"You want help go and contact Yoruichi or something I have better things to do."

And with these words the goddess of tealeaves vanished from the room.

()()()

Nnoitra ordered all of the men to clear out of the room.

All but one obeyed but Ichigo had quickly reached a conclusion that a man like Kenpachi wasn't one to follow commands-he made his own rules.

Doing whatever the hell he wanted to do.

In this case pulling Ichigo back into his lap while Nnoitra paced the room while he played with the short switchblade, which had seemingly appeared from out of nowhere.

"Now let's see what should we do with Ichi-pet?"

()()()

1 hour later…

Starrk had decided to keep things simple. Water the plants and the grass but half way through his eyes had gone droopy and the only thing he desired was a nice nap.

Falling asleep under the warm sun seemed like a fine option but he did not desire to wake up with blistering red skin so perhaps he would rest in the shade underneath the tree.

()()

On second thought he really rather not wake up with another crick in his neck so Starrk stood up and reached a decision.

He would sleep on Ichigo's couch.

()()

The couch was out of the equation for it was already being occupied by a rather large white cat with golden eyes, which had hissed at Starrk when the goateed man had made his way into the room.

With a sigh Starrk ventured upstairs.

'I can always fain sleep walking or something.'

()()()

Rangiku smirked around her teacup.

'_That's one.'_

()()()

"Hey Kaze what's for dinner?"

Kazeshini was the kind of guy who paid close attention to detail. He would know when someone or something was out of place-

In this case it was the way the young master was wincing with every step he took when he entered the kitchen.

It wasn't really Kazeshini's place to pry in Ichigo's private life-nor was it wise to cross professional lines but at the moment he didn't care about any of that-he only cared about the orange haired youth.

Wiping his hands clean of baking powder he grabbed hold of Ichigo's arm demanding to know "What the hell happened to you?"

()()()

It wasn't so much that Ichigo was embarrassed-all though perhaps in a sense he was and the close proximity of his personal chef wasn't helping matters.

He had no one to blame but himself.

The Yakuza had given him a choice-willing accept to having his skin branded with the signature symbol of a preying mantis or be held down against his will.

Ichigo had chosen the former rather than the later.

()()

'_**Not an official claim just somethin' to remember me by Ichi-pet.' **_

_With those parting words and a slap on his freshly branded butt cheek, Nnoitra had bid Ichigo goodbye._

_Ichigo let out a sigh._

'_**The things I do just to ensure my friends safety.'**_

()()

Ichigo didn't want to lie but-

"Nothing I uh just bruised my tail bone when I fell off a ladder earlier.

"You fell off a ladder? Since when? You're not clumsy Ichigo." Pale iridescent eyes narrowed "Tell me what really happened."

And even though he didn't want it to another childish lie rolled off Ichigo's lips "Honestly that's what happened-I was helping Rukia hang lights in her attic and Chappy-san startled me and I fell." A slight laugh "I'm lucky I didn't land on my head."

()()

Kazeshini still looked doubtful but released the hold he had on the orange haired youth's arm.

He then smiled warmly. "Go get some rest I'll call you to dinner in an hour or so."

()()()

Life is like a fairy tale.

The fairy tale being played out right now-

Goldilocks and the 3 bears.

Only there wasn't a little blond girl sleeping in Ichigo's King size bed but a full-grown man.

Not one to jump to the worst conclusions right off the bat Ichigo took in the scene-checking to see if everything was as he had left it.

The window still partially open, guitar still propped up against the closet, alarm clock lay behind the dresser.

Yep everything was as it should be.

'_Everything except him.'_

He wouldn't put it past Rukia to have something to do with this stranger in his bed. The raven-haired girl got a real kick out of putting Ichigo in awkward situations.

Ichigo should be yelling right now-forcing the man to get up and explain himself.

But he looked so peaceful and oddly enough like he kind of belonged in Ichigo's bed.

TO BE CONCLUDED


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: What's this? What's this Ichigo will be able to regain his powers? My Kubo-sensei how you love to spoil your fans and we love you for it!**

A/N As we move into the new year I, SLY, am determined to finish all WIP's in between writing the Holiday shots that I'm currently working on. So if you follow fics like Shades, Drunken SeaHorse, etc I thank you for your patience.

Now as for ConArtist…I don't honestly understand why this story is popular but nevertheless I feel inspired to stretch it out a bit more. Breaking the finale into parts. (DUCKS FLYING OBJECTS!)

For Miszxbrii, yes rose bushes are pretty aren't they?

Enjoy!

StarrkxIchigo, OthersIchigo, semi-gender benders (you'll see what I mean when it gets there) language, spelling, grammar, crack, humor, parody, my own spin on fortune tellers and the powers they possess, etc, etc

_**CONARTIST IS SUCH A STRONG WORD!**_

_Sure fire way to catch the berry: Pose as a gardener?_

**FINALE SIDE A** (The rest is soon to follow)

Life is like a fairy tale.

The fairy tale being played out right now-

Goldilocks and the 3 bears.

Only there wasn't a little blond girl sleeping in Ichigo's King size bed but a full-grown man.

Not one to jump to the worst conclusions right off the bat Ichigo took in the scene-checking to see if everything was as he had left it.

The window still partially open, guitar still propped up against the closet, alarm clock lay behind the dresser.

Yep everything was as it should be.

_**'Everything except him.'**_

He wouldn't put it past Rukia to have something to do with this stranger in his bed. The raven-haired girl got a real kick out of putting Ichigo in awkward situations.

Ichigo should be yelling right now-forcing the man to get up and explain himself.

But he looked so peaceful and oddly enough like he kind of belonged in Ichigo's bed.

_And not only did the stranger look like he belonged in Ichigo's bed he also reminded the orange haired male of a certain half dog/half wolf he had seen when he went to the animal shelter on weekends during his child hood years._

_Because of his mother's severe allergies to animals she had never let Ichigo take it home but day after day he would come back and visit._

"Butterscotch." Ichigo mumbled under his breath just then-the scent had suddenly wafted up his nose-

But why would Ichigo suddenly smell butterscotch?

Or more importantly why did it not make him gag like usual.

Normally Ichigo hated butterscotch but at this very moment in time it seemed like the greatest scent in the world.

It seemed to be getting stronger and stronger as the young male neared closer and closer to the bed.

Was it possible that the scent of butterscotch was coming from the man passed out on the bed?

()()()

Fearing that she may have indeed over done it on the drinking, Rangiku leapt off the bed so damn fast she nearly broke her neck on the collection of liquor bottles scattered around her room when a black fox with golden paws and tail appeared on her window sill.

Before manifesting itself into its true form.

Bangs framing her pointed chin, while the rest of her hair was held back in tight braids spilling down her back.

A scowl perfectly in place as she raised her gold painted nails before turning to narrow deep gray eyes at the human.

Rangiku frowned. Damn this is not who she was expecting.

"What is it you want from Yoruichi-sama?"

She rubbed her powder blues hoping it was just her imagination-

"Well?"

The ginger blonde let out a curse and stumbled back to her bed missing the look of disgust on the fox-woman's face.

Slipping on her mint green bathrobe and tying it around her waist (there was no sense in even trying to butter Soifon up)

"Alright I understand that you have other things to do besides play messenger but I wouldn't have even contacted Yoruichi if it wasn't an absolute must."

Soifon crossed her arms, golden tail swinging behind her. "You have 5 minutes Matsumoto Rangiku. Speak."

()()()

Ichigo wasn't a pervert-he was curious like a car inspecting new unknown territory-well technically there was nothing new about the territory since it was his room-his bed-his-

The goateed male kicked his leg just then once again reminding the orange haired male of a dog/wolf.

He almost wanted to laugh-wondering if he was to say dance his finger tips lightly under the man's belly would the stranger kick his leg even more-perhaps the man would not only kick his leg but let out a bark or something in his sleep-further encourage Ichigo's petting?

Or perhaps he'd awaken from his slumber and attack Ichigo-not that the orange berry would object exactly.

Once again Ichigo wondered why a very good-looking male-oh yes this stranger was quite the sight-the slight goatee, the lips-ah the fuller upper lip said it all-unique, a slightly different shade then the man's lower lip but no less desirable-

()()()

As sleeping brawny continued to slumber certain urges began to over take the berry.

What if he were to knock that stupid bucket hat off the man's head and curl a finger around natural wavy looking locks of hair falling just past the strangers' collar bone?

What if he went and unzipped the man's jacket the rest of the way down-run his fingers along broad but finely boned shoulders, masculine looking pecs (Ichigo had never cared much for these particular body parts but now as said body parts strained against the thin gray material he might have to reevaluate his opinion on the matter)

He wished to run his fingers along the man's torso (rather fascinated by how it seemed slim yet soft-kind of like a pillow-not to be confused with pudge-but not-well it was kind of difficult to explain-

Bottom line was Ichigo decided that the stranger looked quite comfortable.

In between his "dating sessions" with Nel Ichigo had hooked up with random guys every now and then (liking each one for different reasons) but he remembered always frowning when he would go to lie down on their chest or stomach-it was like sleeping on a rock. So not appealing to a guy like him with an oversensitive body type.

Shaking his head from his thoughts of the past better left buried and forgotten-Ichigo continued his inspection of the stranger.

Cinnamon and coffee brown eyes moved down to strong wide hips and thighs-suggesting sturdiness like that of a bull or a wolf-mystical and wild creatures known for having an incredible amount of power in their legs.

And while the orange haired male didn't exactly have a hip or thigh fetish he felt his face grow warm as he continued to drink in the stranger on his bed.

If Rukia was indeed behind this man's appearance well then…Ichigo might just have to thank her.

()()()

Once the bubbly ginger-blonde human had stopped babbling long enough to get to the facts-the black haired fox-chick felt a smile threaten to break out onto her face.

On the outside Soifon's face remained as blank as ever but on the inside she couldn't help herself from giggling like a school girl.

_**So Kurosaki Ichigo is finally entering into his second stage of his existence is he? Has it really been that many years?**_

_Soifon had met the orange youth once years ago-she had even held him for a few minutes finding a sense of calm and light wash over her-until the shameless shitty bastard Urahara Kisuke cooed at her, stating that the glow of motherhood would soften her rough edges._

_And Yoruichi-sama had been entirely unhelpful and laughed along with the blond._

_Sofion had wanted to punch someone or something but then she felt tiny hands tug on her black bangs and her expression softened once more at the sight of big brown eyes-_

_**You're not so bad for a drooling brat**_

_She had muttered just loud enough so only the orange haired baby would hear. And much to her surprise and secret delight the bundle of joy smiled at her-it was like he knew despite being so young._

Soifon shook her head. Now was not the time to get all stupid and nostalgic-perhaps when she returned to the castle she could ask Yoruichi-sama to-

She shook her head more firmly banishing her thoughts before they could fully manifest-baby carriages, bonnets and balloons-what the hell had come over her?

'_Not happening. Not happening. I have no desire to be a mother! But maybe I can be a-'_

_()()()_

Rangiku did not miss the slight barely there smile on the fox woman's face.

Soifon was up to something-she just hoped ad prayed it wouldn't scar Ichigo for life.

"Very well," the fox woman said at last "I shall complete the ceremony that you yourself have already started but," eyes twinkling "I will be adding a slight addition."

Rangiku opened her mouth to question the shorter woman/fox about said "addition" but Soifon didn't give her a verbal answer instead she simply handed her a see through box with a golf size white-blue orb.

Rangiku's powder blues widened at the sight.

"But I thought-wasn't this-

()()()

Soifon rolled her eyes. Foolish humans always so quick to jump to the wrong conclusion-

"You will hand it to the goateed gardener poser before the week comes to an end, that is all."

Rangiku frowned and not knowing what else to do she placed the item into the pocket of her bathrobe.

()()()

Moving into a straddle like position Ichigo was careful not to rest his weight on top of the stranger. The orange haired male brought his head down-strategically placing it just so his lips hovered over the other man's.

Facial hair, however sparse, never held the kind of appeal or anticipation as it was at this very moment.

()()

Probably dating back to the ancestors he knew very little about, Starrk was always on high alert-always knew when someone or something had entered into his personal space long before they made a motion or sound to show they were there.

In addition the gray-eyed male had an excellent sense of smell far surprising the average human-be it through a closed door or open window-a tiny speck of dust floating through the air he could detect instantly.

So when the smell of hazelnut invaded his senses Starrk could tell something was happening.

If he were the type to gamble he'd bet his money that Lady Rangiku was somehow behind this.

_Sincerely hoping that the flirtatious woman hadn't let her very bad habit get the best of her-hoped she hadn't pulled out her tea leaves and decided to play with old gypsy magic._

_Stubborn sex-starved women who could not keep their hands to themselves-who refused to let nature run it's natural course._

On the other hand Starrk was rather flattered that Lady Rangiku was so determined to get him together with the orange berry.

But tealeaves and a summoning? If the woman wasn't careful she could-

Warm breath ghosted over his face-stopping Starrk's thought process-

The hazelnut scent becoming even stronger-Starrk knew it was his human heater hovering above him and was actually quite enjoying the moment however…

The Coyote was first and far most a gentleman and tealeaves or not he would not take advantage of Ichigo.

Besides he still had a roll to play.

()()()

Ichigo felt his face grow even warmer when deep sleepy gray eyes opened at last-

The orange haired male wasn't really quite sure what he should do or say-

Words spilling out of his mouth-

"So on a scale of one to ten what would you rate my bed?"

He immediately slapped a hand over his mouth. He had not just said something so stupid had he?

()()

Powder blues opened. Rangiku found herself lying on the floor-the fox woman Soifon gone, the empty bottles of liquor still remained.

She couldn't remember falling asleep. Couldn't remember much of anything except for the damn orb which felt heavy in her pocket.

She sat up with a sigh-deciding that she was getting way too old for this and concluded that she would have to get in contact with both the bBrry and the Coyote.

Well perhaps just the Coyote for a start-the orange haired male was rather annoyed with her the last time she tried to pry in his life and-

()()()

Starrk raised a brow. Hmm unexpected. Playful. He could work with that.

Pushing himself into a half sitting position he rested his back against the headboard of the bed and offered the orange haired male a grin. "Well I'm not an expert and perhaps I'm just being biased because of its owner (he winked) but that was hands down the best nap I've had in years."

It was too cute how Ichigo's partially flushed face flushed even more just then-even cuter how the berry tried to play it "cool"

"Well anyway I wanted to take a nap or at least that was the plan but it's kind of impossible since you're laying on it and all. Not that I don't mind sharing but uh-look contrary to what Rukia might have told you I don't just fall into bed with strangers. I don't even know your name-well even if I did know your name I still wouldn't do anything and-why are you looking at me like that?"

Hmm…now how should Starrk answer this?

Where should they go from here?

It was a bit hard to concentrate on much of anything when the berry was still hovering over him-twisting is too tight t-shirt in between his fingers-awarding Starrk with a glimpse a perfectly toned belly-that simple strip of peach skin-the temptation to dart his tongue out and lick it was there.

No doubt if the Coyote played his cards right he could get Ichigo to put the _**ride**_ back into little red riding hood-hmm a thought/fantasy best reserved for a later date-

Not that he cared much for costumes but-

'_**Starrk this is not the way we practiced it! You are supposed to be impersonating a gardener remember!'**_

Head back where it should be-his inner conscience sounding so much like his sister Lil once more, Starrk gently pushed the younger male away, moved off the bed, grabbing his hat and replacing it back on his head.

It almost hurt to see his berry-to-be looking so dejected a moment or two later but it was much too soon to just jump right into things-

"Forgive my lack of manners, I am Coyote Starrk, you're new gardener. With my brilliant vision and _**Howling Landscapes**_ guarantee for Perfection your back yard will be ten times more beautiful then you've ever dreamed it could be."

_**Starrk you idiot! Don't go making promises you can't keep. I told you not to over do it and here you are-**_

Starrk silenced his inner conscience lili-wannabee and waited for Ichigo's response.

The orange haired male looked above and beyond confused.

"Wait a minute! You mean to tell me that you're not some random male escort hired by Rukia but that you're my new gardener?"

"Don't sound so disappointed." Even though he knew he shouldn't have, Starrk raised his hand to the youth's cheek-cradling it "It's not that I'm not flattered by your compliments but isn't it your wish to complete your mother's garden?

The orange berry did not get a chance to answer this particular question because at that very moment the door slammed open.

"Sorry to interrupt Ichigo-sama but I think the dryer and washing machine broke down again and-what are _**you**___doing in the young master's chambers?"

Starrk was not the kind of man to judge a person within less than 2 minutes of meeting them however this new comer-

Based on her too short skirt and loud colored apron, he concluded that the plum-haired woman was a maid.

He did not like how her upturned pigsnout twitched, did not like the way her lilac and amethyst colored eyes swept over the young master-completely disregarding professional boundary lines as she put her soot covered fingers on the orange haired males' chest-pushing herself in between him and Ichigo.

The tramp of a woman was now raking her purple painted claws along Ichigo's exposed arms.

Starrk did not like it one fucking bit!

Nor did he like the fact that the young master was just standing there and letting the woman-

He was not a jealous man but-

"Cirucci you don't have to come to me every time something breaks down. Just go to Kazeshini or Nemu or I-

"I won't lower myself to associating with such trash and besides," cranberry black painted lips curled into a smirk as she stood on her tiptoes and whispered the rest of the sentence into the young master's ear.

()()()

Ichigo let out a sigh when the woman finally pulled away. "Alright Cirucci if I go and give P Plumbing a call will you be kind enough to show uh-Starrk was it?"

"Mmm hmm."

()()()

Starrk was glad that Ichigo had finally returned his attention on to him-but he didn't like the way the younger male seemed to have suddenly put up a wall-the warmth not quite gone from his eyes but dimmed-

"Starrk? What the hell kind of name is that? I demand to see some credentials before I let you take another step into Ichigo's sama's h-

"Cirucci!"

The woman jumped and Starrk suppressed a snort.

"Starrk is my new gardener. Instead of standing there throwing accusations at him make yourself useful and do what I am paying you for."

The woman looked shocked, lower lip trembling, a single curled bang falling into her eyes, head dropping in submission, "Are you-you're not going to fire me are you Ichigo-sama?"

The look of irritation softened on the young master's face-

"Of course not Cirucci, after all you're a mother of 5. You need to be able to support your children"

The woman looked genuinely grateful. Starrk still felt a bit irked but instead of dwelling on it-he offered the maid a proper greeting. "As I've said the name is Starrk, let's work together shall we Ciru-chan?" 

Cirucci didn't look too ticked pink to be shaking Starrk's hand but-

"Fine but get rid of that ugly hat. If you're going to serve Ichigo-sama you should at least look good while doing it."

"Cirucci!"

"What? I'm just-oh come on Ichigo-sama you can't honestly tell me that you like that stupid hat of his?"

"Well not particularly but I don't like the perfume you drown your body in every day either but it is not my place to tell my employees what they can and can not wear."

"What?" Purples eyes flashed with anger. "Did you just call my Nightingale Spritz smelly?"

()()()

Ichigo let out a sigh and rubbed the sides of his temples. "Look Cirucci I didn't mean to insult you just now-it's just a beautiful (he tried not to gag on his own words) hard working mother such as yourself should present herself in more of a well-

"You think I'm beautiful Ichigo-sama?"

()()()

Starrk may have only just met the orange haired berry but even he could detect the faintest hint of insincerity in the youth's tone but there's was no way he'd let the little maid know it.

()()()

"Y-you always know just what to say Ichigo-sama." Cirucci offered him the closest thing to a delicate smile "I know I get a little ahead of myself at times but I promise I'll do better and-

Best shut her up or she'll ramble all night long.

"It's fine Cirucci," Ichigo squeezed the maid's shoulder gently and then left the bedroom.

As he started down the stairs he hoped the woman would stay true to her word and not try and castrate his sexy new gardener.

()()()

Tousen Kaname did not drink. The scent. The taste. The after effects of alcohol held absolutely no appeal whatsoever for a man like him.

And yet here he sits in a bar specially designed to look and feel like an old Irish pub waiting for a man.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: If I owned BLEACH Ichigo would be the proud mother of 6, lol…male preg would also exist out side the fangirl/boy mind. Alas I am not a god or Kubo-sensei!

Warnings: AU, OOC-ness, spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc…

FOR MISZXBRII

A/N Blame it on the winter months, blame it on my overactive imagination, blame it on the fact that Tousen is an underappreciated character who fascinates me, blame it on my bad habit to write side stories with in the main story, blame it on the berry for being so damn desirable…

_Summary: Sure fire way to catch the berry: Pose as a gardener?_

StarrkxIchigo, OthersIchi, other pairings etc…

_CONARTIST IS SUCH A STRONG WORD! _

FINALE SIDE B

()()

Tousen Kaname did not drink. The scent. The taste. The after effects of alcohol held absolutely no appeal whatsoever for a man like him.

And yet here he sits in a bar specially designed to look and feel like an old Irish pub waiting for a man.

No this man is not a former lover, nor is he even fully a man by regular definition, somewhere in between human and animal if one had to put a label on it-sometimes called a hybrid.

Not that silly things like this matter to a man like Tousen since he lived most of his life in darkness up until 9 years ago…

()()()

_**Yes 9 years ago Tousen had been vacationing in Europe when he ran into one Wonderweiss Margera-originally had mistaken the blond to be nothing more than a pick-pocket but when he had grabbed the brat by the collar of his tattered shirt a brilliant burst of light flashed before Tousen's unseeing eyes.**_

_**Only suddenly his eyes were no longer unseeing but-**_

_**The feeling was so unusual he hadn't known what to make of it a first-Tousen had never been afraid of anything in his life up until this point-fearing the worst-thinking it had to be some cruel trick courtesy of the demons from hell-**_

_**Standing in the middle of the street, which was too damn bright! Fighting the urge to fall to his knees and cry like a newborn-**_

_**Tousen did not regain his composure until the blond brat pinched his cheeks together between his stubby fingers-giving the man a crooked smile, bright purple eyes shining.**_

"_**You aren't dreaming or in hell. The name is Wonderweiss Margera and you've been chosen."**_

"_**Chosen for what?"**_

_**The boy laughed "Do you honestly think the words and prayers of a human go unheard?"**_

_**Tousen frowned. "Never once did I ask or pray for something I've never had to begin with,"**_

"_**Ah but in your dreams you are a pilot flying over the high seas-in your dreams you are-**_

"_**Dreams are just dreams. I do not understand who you are or what you want but-**_

"_**I have told you I am Wonderweiss and you've been chosen."**_

"_**Chosen for what?" he snapped at the boy (no longer quite sure if this child really was a boy at all-the aura around him suggested otherwise) **_

_**In truth Tousen was a bit uneasy-**_

"_**A miracle."**_

"_**A miracle?"**_

"_**I go by many titles but people like you, humans usually call me an angel."**_

_**An angel performing a miracle? Right? **_

_**Perhaps Tousen wasn't really out in the middle of the street talking to a blond pick-pocket but was actually at home in bed having the single strangest dream ever-though why he was dreaming of being able to see he did not know.**_

_**Why the pinch on his cheeks felt so real he did not know-**_

_**And then the boy or angel rather laughed and held up three fingers:**_

"_**In order to keep your sight you must follow 3 simple rules 1) Make friends with someone who is not from this world, 2) Align yourself with men who are equally as intelligent as you yourself are rather than lowering your self to a group of idiots. **_

_**And 3) Well it's not so really much a rule as it is a fact: Always make your feelings known.**_

_**And now I take my leave."**_

"_**Wait! What? Why are you telling me this? I still do not understand."**_

_**The angel stopped but did not turn back around**_

"_**The gods have given you the gift of sight, use it well."**_

"_**But I didn't ask for this."**_

_**He started running after the blond-wishing to demand a better answer but found it was pointless-there's was no way he'd ever catch up with the speed of an angel.**_

_**()()()**_

Tousen frowned at the memory. Wondering why it had come to his mind in the first place. And then his attention was drawn to the napkin holder shaped to look like wings and he knew why still-

_I have lived my life as Wonderweiss instructed me to do and yet why do I feel like I'm missing something?_

As he sat there and continued to wait another memory made its way to the forefront of his mind-this one much more recent-just a few short years ago-about 2 years-no a little under 3 years

()()

_**A punk. Couldn't be no more than 16, maybe 17 years of age-sitting in the chair, even the loud way the youth was smacking on his gum was not enough to block out the obnoxious sound coming from his head phones, sprawling his body as if he were sitting at home-hands behind his bleached orange head, blowing bubbles and then popping the bright green sugar between pearly whites, mud covered shoes propped on top of the desk. **_

_**Tousen narrowed his eyes-already coming to the conclusion that this bleach punk would bring nothing but trouble**_

_**After a moment or so the youth lowered his headphones long enough to ask "So are you the guy interviewing me today or do you just have a fetish for underage Japanese boys?"**_

_**Japanese? Tousen was not one to judge someone based on appearance under normal circumstances especially since he himself had come from a mixture of Asian, Egyptian and African parents but-this punk really?**_

_**He shook his head, deciding he didn't give a damn if the boy came from another universe-all that mattered was he did not like him and he did not want him in his presence for any longer than absolutely necessary.**_

"_**Get your feet off the desk, sit up straight, swallow that gum and assuming you know what it is, hand me your resume."**_

_**As if he were a dog or more fitting a cat being scolded by his owner, the punk straightened his posture, swallowed his gum, set his headphones down to the side and nervously ran his fingers through gelled spikes before finally handing a sopping wet paper over. "Uh it's not a resume exactly."**_

_**Tousen glared at the teen and hissed out "Then why are you here?"**_

"_**Well you see I was kinda hoping you'd over look the fact that I'm not-**_

_**Tousen Kaname did not have the patience nor the time for idiots. He sliced his hand through the air silencing the bleached punk "I do not have time to baby sit a cocky brat, and we most definitely do not need delinquents here at **__**Shattered**__**, there's the door you may go."**_

_**The boy stood up ready to protest-**_

"_**I said LEAVE!"**_

_**All the color drained from the punk's face-once again reminding the man of a scolded animal-he cursed mentally as he felt the brief moment of guilt come over him and then quickly stamped it down.**_

_**Ridiculous. How could some teenage delinquent be of any help or use to him? Just what the hell had his business partners been thinking letting a high school brat inside the club in the first place?**_

"_**If you could just give me a ch-**_

_**What the hell? The orange haired brat hadn't left.**_

_**Tousen felt his patience growing even thinner.**_

_**No the brat hadn't left but was hovering over the desk looking at him with hopeful eyes and heaven help him Tousen melted just a little bit.**_

_**He let out a sigh and could not believe he was even considering-**_

"_**A week-you have one week to prove you can do what is required of you. Since you don't have any actual work experience we'll start you out as an errand boy-no **__**my**__** errand boy. Yes you will report to me every Saturday and Wednesday at 4 o clock and do whatever it is that I require of you at this time."**_

_**If the boy had a tail it would be wagging (it was so sickeningly cliché Tousen kind of wished to jump out the nearest window just then.**_

"_**You really mean it?"**_

_**Damn it. The way those eyes lit up-so bright and full of life-**_

_**Above and beyond ridiculous.**_

_**He was growing soft.**_

_**Heaven help him.**_

"_**Don't make me regret it, Kurosaki Ichigo."**_

_**()()**_

_**Like a bad B grade movie the punk had returned the next time (surprisingly on time) and almost could've past for an entirely new person-but there was no mistaking the loud orange hair.**_

_**The health club didn't really have any rules against weird hair colors or piercing or tattoos but-**_

'_**How can I possibly get anything done if this brat and his loud hair is constantly in my field of vision?'**_

_**Yes even though he shouldn't he felt a bitter ness from time to time-in the past it he never would have had worry about being distracted by a pretty punk-wait a minute where did that come from?**_

'_**Damn I knew I was going to regret this."**_

"_**So Tousen-san what would you like me to do first?"**_

_**Why the hell did the brat have to sound so damn cheery?**_

_**()()()**_

Tousen felt like laughing at the memory. He had not known what to make of Kurosaki Ichigo when he first met him but somewhere along the way-especially last year he really started to take notice of the boy.

And herein lie the reason why he is waiting in the bar-he wished to ask his friend for advice.

Tousen feels conflicted. Knowing that if he agrees to Ichigo's request he can never turn back-once the line is crossed that's it.

Would it really be wise to start a romance with his employee-his young employee-his ridiculously attractive young employee?

He did not know.

Or rather it was not so much that Tousen did not know but things were complicated.

What was that saying: Never mix business with pleasure?

And indeed the arrangement may have started out as somewhat of a joke-a source of daily amusement but that was in the beginning-time had passed and the once punk had proven himself-showed that there's more to him than what is presented on the surface.

Still-

"Sorry I'm late Tousen, I ran into these two out side and they decided to follow me in."

"Aizen-sama, Ichimaru what are you two doing h-

"Evenin' Tousen-san I'm guessin' by yer dreamy expression that somethin' good came outta yer little private session with Ichi-chan?"

The silver-haired man pulled out a chair and scooted close enough to where Tousen could practically taste his lunch-

"Do not sit so close to me, Ichimaru."

Ignoring his comment and death glare, Gin slung an arm around one of Tousen's shoulder's, wearing a grin as wide as ever "Don't be such a sour puss Tousen-san, tell us what happened between you and Ichi-chan."

()()()

_**The orange haired male was wringing the bottom hem of his shirt and gnawing on his bottom lip even though his eyes never strayed from Tousen's own as he awaited an answer.**_

'_**Really,' thought the man 'Ichigo should stop chewing on his bottom lip like that-he's practically giving me an open invitation to-**_

_**Tousen shook his head. Tempting as it was he would not maul his employee-even if it was in his private office where not one else could see.**_

_**Even if the image that lovely peach toned body being spread out on to his conveniently empty desk was a nice thought-**_

"_**I've been wanting to ask you for awhile now but I know how you are about your work-not that work isn't important because it is but I-**_

"_**You're asking me on a date."**_

"_**Well you can call it th-I mean," the youth cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck "Tousen-san I have a lot of respect for you and I don't want to pressure you into-no that's not what I-what I mean to say is-well I uh I like you-I mean I've liked you for awhile now actually and-you see um I was wondering if you I mean you like me too right? I mean I've seen the way you look at me-not all the time-but sometimes and I thought-wait no that's not what I-**_

"_**Calm down Ichigo"**_

"_**Right, yeah," a relieved sigh "So anyway uh I better just give you this and uh," Tousen accepted the small blue note card with out a word and let Ichigo continue "So uh if you're not uh busy you can call me or-**_

"_**Ichigo."**_

"_**Uh yes?"**_

_**It was kind of cute how the youth's voice cracked when he became nervous. **_

_**Tousen wanted to smile but instead he simply placed the note card into the breast pocket of his suit, keeping his poker face in place "I will consider your proposal and give you my answer with in 2 days time. Will that be acceptable?"**_

"_**Two days really? I mean-**_

_**This time the smile was too close to the surface-damn Ichigo and his lovely brown eyes!**_

"_**Yes in two days I will give you my answer."**_

"_**Great! I mean I'm glad-I mean jeez I sound like such a chick and I'm probably wasting your time and I-**_

"_**Ichigo."**_

"_**Hmm?"**_

_**So the youth was back to playing it cool. Had apparently gotten his emotions under control but now he himself was-**_

_**Shit what the hell had gotten into him all of a sudden? Had Tousen Kaname almost lost face just now-had his voice really dropped into a bedroom purr? No he was stronger than that-he wasn't some bloody adolescent who couldn't keep his hormones in check.**_

'_**Get it together you idiot! It's just Ichigo.'**_

_**Right only it wasn't just Ichigo-it had never just been Ichigo-it was **__**his**__** Ichigo-his Ichigo was in his office confessing to him, asking him out and really what the hell more could he ask for?**_

_**His eyes strayed to the desk again and how smooth the surface was-how flexible the youth was bound to be -right because taking one glance at Ichigo and observing the youth for a good long time now Tousen could tell he had a wild and aggressive bottom in his midst-yes the boy (because really any one under 21 was still considered a boy in his opinion) would leave scratches in his desk-which really wouldn't be such a bad thing-not at all if he really thought ab-**_

'_**Tousen-san?"**_

"_**Ichigo."**_

_**The urge to reach up and just rest his hand above the boy's brow-just to trace the angles of his face-to let his thumb brush that swollen bottom lip-if only he could just give in and-**_

"_**Tousen-san I uh kinda need to go now."**_

_**Great! Fucking bloody peachy! Now he was the one looking like a complete idiot but he was a grown man and looking like an idiot was not cute at all-**_

_**Tousen shook his head more firmly and banished any and all thoughts of putting his hands on the boy before meeting his eyes once more-back to business as usual.**_

"_**Since you seem to have so much free time on your hands how would you feel about taking over Asano's shift?"**_

"_**What?" the boy blinked for a moment "Oh you mean Keigo called off or something?"**_

"_**I do not know I am not his keeper. Can you come into work tomorrow or not?"**_

_**Back to business was one thing. But he was being unreasonably cold-almost rude to Ichigo now-he was being an asshole he could tell by the way the youth had flinched (it was slight, barely noticeable but still there)**_

"_**Yeah-I mean sure I'll be there, see you tomorrow Tousen-san."**_

_**()()()**_

"That's it? Yer mean Ichi-chan was basically throwin' himself at ya but all you cared about was whether or not he'd cover a shift of that bum Asano." The man shook his head before downing his bloody Mary "Really Tousen-san yer never gonna get anywhere if you keep on procrastinatin'."

"Now Gin that's not exactly fair. Kaname isn't procrastinating-

"Thank you Aizen-sa-

"He's playing a game," a smirk "I approve."

Tousen narrowed his eyes at both men (briefly wondering why Komamura had run off and left him with these two) "With all do respect Aizen-sama I do not nor will I ever play games."

()()()

Starrk decided he was liking Ichigo more and more by the minute-not that he ever thought he wouldn't like Ichigo but-well it hadn't even been a full 24 hours and yet he knew he was falling-

_If a newspaper reporter came up to him just then and asked him what it was like to be in the presence of the young master Starrk would respond with _

"_It feels a lot like home."_

_Then when the reporter would ask him to elaborate he'd tell them about dinner._

Apparently Ichigo treated his hired help more like friends/siblings rather than servants-speaking to each one in turn-discussing anything and everything under the sun. Giving his full attention to whoever held the floor so to speak.

In addition the young master insisted on reversing the roles-

Ichigo grabbed the oven mitts out of Kazeshini's hand and told the chef to take a seat.

"You wait on me all the time. Let me return the favor."

The chef looked ready to protest but decided against it when the orange berry stomped his foot and commanded that his servant "Sit down!"

It was cute if a little odd- thought Starrk.

He was beginning to wonder if the orange berry did not understand that it was a servants' job to wait on him.

"So Starrk was it, where are you from?"

Starrk's attention was pulled away from the stubborn chef and the equally stubborn berry and over to the slim woman seated on his right.

"Oh here and there, I've never really found a place to call-he felt someone kick him under the table and would bet any amount of money it was Cirucci who was doing it-

"So you're a wanderer then, interesting."

"I'm sorry I didn't catch your name?"

"Kurotsuchi Nemu, I admit I did not like you at first, your eyes seemed rather shifty to me but then I noticed your pinky finger and I knew."

Starrk was not a rude man and so he just smiled and nodded even though he didn't know what the hell the woman was talking about.

"Do not nod as if you understand."

"Oh I'm sorry."

There was a not-so-delicate snort coming from the other end of the table-

Starrk was about to say something but the sudden hand on his own pulled his attention back to the woman in blue

"Do not be offended the young master did not understand me at first either but overtime we have come to see eye to eye."

Starrk did not know what the woman meant by that-he looked towards Ichigo to see if the berry could perhaps tell him what the woman was not.

But the young master's attention was focused elsewhere.

Specifically on the castle made out of jello that Kazeshini had molded-Starrk never cared much for jello, found the idea of eating hooves to be most unsettling for some reason but he supposed from an artistic stand point the mold was pretty.

Not as pretty as young master who was practically salivating over it but-

"food?"

"Hmm? Oh I'm sorry did you say something?"

"Are you enjoying your food?"

If he said yes Nemu would just accuse him of lying again especially since he hadn't even touched-but if he said no he'd be insulting Kazeshini and some how he didn't think pissing off the hired help would get him as close to Ichigo as he'd like to be so with a yawn he stood up and excused himself from the table.

"Leaving already?"

"Early to bed, early to rise."

Oh now Ichigo takes notice of him. Starrk didn't know why but he felt like pouting. Instead he just winked in the orange haired youth's direction "Hmm and I have a feeling I'll be sleeping _very _well tonight."

If it were just him and Ichigo he would follow up this line with a kiss-just a light brushing of lips-maybe a light grope or two or three-

"Don't let the bed bugs bite."

But it was not just the two of them.

"Cirucci!"

Ah yes the sound of Ichigo reprimanding the slutty stupid maid from Kansas was truly music to Starrk's ears. He would definitely sleep well tonight.

()()()

As the Coyote made his way back up the stairs he failed to notice the wistful look on a certain orange haired young masters face.

Kazeshini did not miss it.

()()()

The following day around noon…

Ichigo wasn't a complete moron-it was one thing for a house- hold appliance/machine to break down but on a weekly basis?

Highly unlikely.

It was no secret that his live in maid was a shameless flirt (that was putting it lightly) and had a healthy appetite for what she liked to term "dirty men" the dirtier the better was Cirucci's motto or so she had told Ichigo many times.

Dirty meaning the jobs the men were performing-exterminators and garbage men were her top 2 favorites.

But she was just as excited when the cable or repairman would come knocking at the door too.

And not that he would admit it to anyone but himself Cirucci's bad habit had somewhat rubbed off on Ichigo.

But in the orange berry's defense Grimmjow was too damn good looking to be a repairman.

Ichigo could even remember the first time he met the guy-he thought it to be some stunt and asked him where the hidden camera crew was.

()()()

Starrk wasn't one for gossip. He wasn't the type of man who would jump to conclusions but he was having a hell of a time trying to focus on tending to the cabbage patch when 2 other maids Shira and Fumi were commenting on how unusually excited the young master always tends to be when the repairman comes around.

Lady Rangiku had told him that he would not have to worry about other competitors getting in between him and Ichigo but perhaps he better go and check out this 'Grimmjow' character just in case.

()()()

Instead of finding the repairman and the young master in the laundry room downstairs like he had expected-Starrk came across the two in the kitchen looking a little too damn close and cozy for his taste.

Still it would be unfair to just go barging in there like some kind of wild animal-today was his first official day he didn't think breaking the repair man's nose would go over well with Ichigo.

So he stood in the door way and listened in on their conversation-digging his nails into the palm of his hand as the repairman moved in even closer, practically pinning the clueless young master against the counter top.

Starrk wondered absentmindedly where the chef had run off to-he was sure Kazeshini would not approve of this brute in the kitchen with the young master.

()()()

"Come on don't be such a brat, it's just one drink, that's all I'm asking."

It would be a lot easier to decline-to push the insistent bastard back if he didn't smell so damn good.

Ichigo found it hard to concentrate whenever Grimmjow came around-he didn't really know what it was (but aside from looks) something about the arrogant blue-haired male made his blood sing-or something close to it anyway.

"I don't date people who work for me."

A cocky grin, electric blues darkening "But I don't work for you _Ichigo, _I just come when I'm called."

Despite knowing he really shouldn't Ichigo flirted back "Is that the only time you come, _Grimmjow_?"

Yeah he was laying the purr on thick-he was totally and completely contradicting his words-Rangiku would surely give him the lecture of the century but at the moment Ichigo simply did not care.

()()()

Fuck being a gentleman!

Starrk wanted to go in there and do something very un-gentlemanly like.

"Why the long face pup?"

He knew before he turned around that it was Kazeshini that had come up from behind him.

But unlike before the young chef's voice was not threatening-it was different

Curious but Starrk didn't really have the patience to play 20 questions with the two-tone haired punk.

"Is that Grimmjow guy really just a repairman or is there some kind of history between him and Ichigo?"

Iridescent eyes studied him for a moment before answering "History between them?" A teasing smirk "Not exactly the term I would use."

If Starrk were a lesser man he would have grabbed the younger male by the collar or slammed him against the wall just then demanding to know what his words meant-but Starrk knew that blowing up at the young chef really wouldn't do him any good.

So he pushed his anger, suspicion and jealousy to the side (for now) and set back out into the garden.

Formulating not necessarily a new game plan but a slightly altered one.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: The world needs more uncensored porn-I DO NOT OWN BLEACH!

THANK YOU ALL for reading! Alas this is a very short chapter but but the next one will be long because it's the GRAND FINALE FINALE…NO FOR REAL THIS TIME!

For: Miszxbrii

Characters: Starrk, Ichigo, Rangiku, Kazeshini, others…

Pairings: StarrkxIchigo, OthersIchigo)

_CONARTIST IS SUCH A STRONG WORD_

Cloud gazing-not exactly the most constructive way to be spending the afternoon but Starrk really saw no point in trying to finish a garden when the young master didn't even seem to care-much rather play 'house' with Mr. Fix-It in the kitchen.

The Coyote didn't know how he'd go about doing it exactly or when he'd find the opportune moment to slip away but he would find a way to knock out his competition.

Even if it meant getting his hands a little dirty.

Now murder was a bit extreme and he couldn't exactly woo the berry by putting a hole (or two or three) through one of his 'companions' chest but perhaps a poison?

A non-lethal one of course-no just a simple tonic strong enough to make the guy disoriented or immobile for a very long time-or at least until he staked his claim because that's what all of this was about wasn't it?

Ichigo was unclaimed so of course he was free to flirt and flaunt his goods.

Marriage…hmm Starrk hadn't really ever given it much thought-seemed rather complicated, long and tedious ceremony full of vows and dancing-not that there was anything wrong with dancing per se-

Perhaps he could up his chances with the berry by taking him out for a spin on the dance floor?

It wasn't a bad idea-except going through the process of making reservations was a bit exhausting and he didn't have that kind of time right now so-maybe he'd save that for a later date.

And move fourth with a different method-bribing the hired help-he could get the group of servants to go a way for a day or two so he'd have the young master all to himself.

Starrk could be quite the smooth talker when he wanted to be-no one (man or woman) could resist his natural charm.

Cirucci might prove to be a problem but perhaps he could slip a sleeping powder into her tea and lock her up in one of the numerous closets in the mansion.

It wasn't like any one would miss her-wasn't like any one would rat him out-although Ichigo might wonder where his maid had run off to-

_**'Not if I keep him distracted.'**_

Another thought of catching Ichigo's undivided attention would be to follow the berry as he went off on errands each day-this kind of behavior would usually be called stalking but stalkers were creepy and Starrk was not.

The young master would understand once everything was explained-heck he'd probably fall deeper in love with the Coyote-no not probably-definitely.

Starrk was not a dreamer or a wishful thinker-he could feel it-feel that even though Ichigo was playing with the repairman his mind was on his garden-as in the same garden that Starrk himself was currently lying in.

It really was a nice garden or rather it had the potential to be a nice garden but sadly the Coyote was quickly coming to find that it was not a ones man job.

He let out a sigh but made no move to stand.

How could any one be motivated when the only source of their motivation was preoccupied?

())()()

Kazeshini had made it his duty to watch over the young master and while he was not exactly fond of the Coyote-compared to Ichigo's other suitors the goateed man seemed more grounded-and as much as he didn't wish to admit it the berry lacked proper stability in his life.

So with this thought in mind Kazeshini set off towards the garden

()()()

"Moping 'round won't bring Ichigo to you." He snorted as the older male made no move to stand right away "Not that it matters much since you're nothin' more than a ConArtist anyway."

()()()

Kazeshini was an interesting character-highly perceptive and intelligent, Starrk had pretty much reached this conclusion shortly after meeting the younger male.

So he was not at all surprised to have been not only discovered but called out on his lie-now the question was what did the chef intend to do with his information?

Heavy lidded gray eyes searched the sharp angled face-trying to see past the façade of a young punk-

"Search all you want ole' timer I've got nothin' to hide."

"You called me a ConArtist."

"Yes because that is exactly what ya are."

"ConArtist is Such a Strong word I prefer to call my self a man-a man on a quest for his human heater and in order to get my heater a certain route had to be taken."

Pale eyes narrowed and then Kazeshini grinned. "That so?"

"Yes."

"You're not the only one you know."

"The only one what?"

"The only one who has played this game-your just the most recent one."

Gray eyes narrowed this time "Meaning?"

A smirk "Sure you wanna know?"

"Even if you do not tell me I'll just ask Ichigo myself." Starrk pointed out.

Kazeshini threw his head back and laughed "Nice try ole' timer but it won't work."

"Why not?"

"Because the young master is unaware of the types of people living and working under his roof."

Starrk crossed his arms over his chest "But you know everyone and everything is that what you're trying to tell me?"

"Somethin' like that. Guess ya could call me the eyes and ears of the mansion."

Again Starrk found himself asking just what was the connection between Kazeshini and Ichigo.

There was a moment of silence and then…

"Curious? Want to know more?"

"Fine, tell me."

"Well to put it quite simply all of us are assassins hired to kill the young master or at least that was the plan but you see somewhere in between then and now things changed and now instead we've taken the opposite route and decided to do everything in order to protect Ichigo."

Well Starrk certainly hadn't expected that-he wasn't sure if he should be concerned for the berry's safety or if he should get Kazeshini to tell him more-felt like the chef was leaving something out.

It just didn't add up.

"Ichigo might be adorably naïve from time to time but he's not a total idiot."

"Well the story doesn't really start with the young master but the young master's parents, their dead you know?

Murdered in cold blood and why? Because they were far too trusting-the goat especially, Ichigo's old man Isshin was foolish enough to think he could take a chance on convicts-give guys like me a second chance at living-believed we were simply misguided 'children' who were misunderstood.

His wife, Masaki took it one step further and invited guys like me to come work at the mansion-I almost feel sorry for killin' her, she was really somethin' for a woman."

The more Kazeshini said the more ridiculous it seemed. Starrk wasn't buying it. He studied the youth's face and reached a conclusion.

Almost had to give the chef props-almost

"You're lying."

A cheeky grin "Am I?"

Starrk wasn't anything special exactly but he knew a little bit about auras-energy-despite his words there was no animosity or real negativity that he could sense about Kazeshini.

A gamer-a trickster-some one who enjoyed-

"Well I suppose I did fabricate a little," a snicker "Watching your expression was worth it though but yeah no ya got me. Fact is I never even met Ichigo's rents-they were long dead before I showed up here. I've only been here a short while-working in a cemetery no longer held that much a appeal so my cousin Shu suggested I try somethin' else. And as for the others-well that's their stories to tell."

()()()

The younger male was looking of fin the distance now-no not in the distance but at the garden-

"It's a damn shame."

"What's a shame?" Starrk inquired even though he could pretty much conclude what Kazeshini was talking about.

"We really do need some one to finish up this garden."

"Are you firing me?"

"Nah, where's the fun in that-'sides Ichigo likes you too much so we'll keep you 'round til the end of the week and you'll announce that you're quitting."

Wait just a minute!

Starrk was not going to agree to any of this.

He wouldn't just give up and walk away-he might not be able to fix the garden like he promised but he wasn't just going to walk out on his would-be-human heater because his overprotective brother said so.

"I'm not quitting. I don't know how yet but I will find a way to turn the lie into a reality."

Kazeshini snorted. "You're basically here on a whim then-searching for someone to keep your bed warm at night yes I can see some logic in your plan-however the young master is not just anyone."

Starrk couldn't help the dope happy grin making its way on to his face "I'm well aware."

()()()

A love sick fool this Coyote was-how could Kazeshini keep a person like that away from Ichigo who deserved the best?

Still-he couldn't let the man win that easily-

"Much as I would love to expose you-much as I would love to make good on my previous threat and shove my pointed boot up your rectum-Ichigo does not tolerate violence in the house," pale eyes flickered "Lucky for me," here he grinned before continuing "We are outside of the house."

()()()

That evening….

Working the evening shift with Ulquiorra always proved to be 'interesting' to say the very least.

The pale-faced green-eyed male didn't talk much, never laughed and seemed to have a fetish for sweaty towels.

After watching the other male sniff one towel after another for the last half and hour or so Ichigo finally got up the courage to ask

"Why do you like dirty towels so much?"

Instead of looking out raged or embarrassed Ulquiorra simply looked at the orange haired male as though he was a grade A idiot. "The sent of sweat arouses me."

For some reason hearing the word arouse coming out of Ulquiorra's mouth sounded foreign-strange-completely unexpected.

Curiosity getting the best of him Ichigo picked up one of the wet towels on the exercise bike and then brought it up to his nose-

He nearly lost his dinner-who the hell could get off on that?

Foul smelling god awful-he didn't know what the hell to call it-either the biker had had some seriously bad B.O. or he simply did not know the meaning of hygiene-Ichigo didn't think he had ever recalled sweat smelling so incredibly foul-

He threw the towel into the hamper and the wiped down the machine with a fresh one.

Growing rather bored with the silence (every one else had gone home) Ichigo tried to strike up a conversation with the black-haired male.

"So I know this might sound a bit out of the blue but have you ever felt like you were born in the wrong body or something?"

The berry couldn't explain it but lately for the past fortnight he'd been having strange dreams-kind of like he was him but not him-an out of body experience or something of the sort but even though it was a dream every time he woke up he noticed knew things about himself.

Bottle green eyes met cinnamon browns "Are you having some type of identity crisis, Kurosaki?"

Ichigo scowled-knowing that he probably would have had better luck if he had tried to strike up a conversation about sports or music or something but Ulquiorra didn't seem like the sporty type and music-well maybe music would be a good conversation starter.

"Have you ever done Karaoke?"

Ulquiorra studied the younger male's face. "Is that the path you wish to take in life Kurosaki? You wish to be an entertainer?"

"Er no I only meant it as something to do f-

"Might I suggest something else instead?" Ulquiorra wiped his hands on his pants and then reached into the pocket of his vest, pulled out a card and presented it to Ichigo. "I think this is more up your alley."

Ichigo's brows shot up into his hairline as he read what was written on the card.

_**The Frosted Neko**_

WTF?

"Give me your answer at the end of the month-we'd love to have you."

"Wait a minute so the other time when you called off you weren't really sick but you were working at your second job-a host club?"

"I'd appreciate it if you kept this just between the two of us Kurosaki-the last thing I'd wish to ever do is anger Aizen-sama."

Ichigo wasn't the type of guy to rat another out.

If Ulquiorra wanted this kept a secret then Ichigo would keep it a secret.

He tried to hand the card back to the green-eyed male but his co-worker refused.

"Even if you don't want to join our team I'd love it if you come and watch me sometime, Kurosaki."

Er what?

"Are you asking me out Ulquiorra?"

"If you wish to see it that way, then yes. If not, well then no."

Huh? Why did this guy have to speak in riddles and-

"Enough chit-chat Kurosaki. There is work to be done."

()()()

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**DISCLAIMER: NEVER HAVE I AND NEVER WILL I OWN BLEACH. I'm simply an ole' cougar who likes to play.**

A/N screw what sly said this is the second to last installment of ConArtist. This right here will show that SLY does pay attention to what her reviewers want.

FOR MISZXBRII, your patience is greatly appreciated. And so I thank you.

SPECIAL SHOUT OUT TO BBM: Let's turn it up another notch!

Starrk, Ichigo, Kazeshini, Rangiku, Kazeshini, Tousen, Grimmjow, etc etc

AU, OOC-ness, language, grammar, spelling, punctuation, switching views, slight-gender bender (sly's style) and some other goodies-

**Read with caution and a free mind!**

_**CONARTIST IS SUCH A STRONG WORD**_

Later that night as all the other occupants in the house slumbered Ichigo lie awake-he couldn't explain what it was but he simply felt restless.

He had to get up and do something.

Almost as if in a trance he climbed out of bed and walked over towards his bedroom and stared out into the dead of night at the unfinished garden-cursing himself (not for the first time) for neglecting his late mother's number one pride and joy.

Sometimes in the privacy of his own thoughts he liked to imagine that he had gone back in time and his parents were still alive-believed if he shut his eyes for a moment he could almost hear his mother's melodic voice as it drifted through the wind like a nightingale.

Could almost hear his loving but painfully moronic father up on the rooftop repairing the shingles-hooting along with the night owls.

Sometimes Ichigo wished to throw himself off the roof-or impale himself on a gardening rake-he'd give almost anything to be reunited with his parents once more.

Here he was almost 20 years of age and he still couldn't fully accept their untimely deaths-still thought it was stupid that just because his father had taken his last breath his mother had followed just a moment or two after.

It was the kind of thing that wasn't supposed to happen in reality-bonded souls-two beings sharing one life line-surely it had to be a joke-a lie-because his parents probably hadn't wished to tell him the truth-wished to keep him in the dark of what had really stripped their lives away from them.

Sometimes Ichigo blamed himself-thinking that his parents' death was due to his simply existing-he didn't know why he felt this way but he did.

Ichigo believed him self to be cursed-wretched-undeserving-he kept others at a distance because he did not wish to taint them-taint them with his blackened soul.

As a result this kind of behavior led to others calling him 'cold, disconnected, antisocial, moody' and a variety of other labels that he did not wish to repeat even in the privacy of his own mind.

Ichigo could not blame any one but himself for his failed relationships-he was cursed and so in the long run his potential lovers were simply better off with out him.

Still even knowing this about himself Ichigo did not stop flirting-did not stop sending out 'please come and fuck me signals' to potential hot blooded grade A alpha males.

It wasn't that he enjoyed messing with their emotions exactly he simply saw no point in worrying about consequences when whatever romantic connection he made was destined for disaster.

Even if there was that tiny voice telling him that not all love was doomed-Ichigo usually kicked it down.

He purposely set his sights on men who were more or less untouchable-unattainable-it some how made things easier.

Yes he knew his logic was not logical at all-knew that Karma would back and bite him HARD!

But he couldn't bring himself to care.

He refused to bond himself to another knowing they would be ripped away from him one day.

It wouldn't be easy to shut off his emotions again (it got harder and harder each time) but he had to do it.

It was the only way he could keep their souls pure.

Ichigo would let every last one of them down gently-let them do to him whatever they wished to do to him and then he would return home and focus his energy back on the garden letting a few months pass before he was ready to go out and repeat the cycle all over again.

Days, weeks, months, years would pass-he would continue going through the motions until he was a miserable lonely dried up wrinkled geezer with only his albino cat for company.

As if sensing his masters' inner thought a large white feline came into the room just then-brushing its long tail against it's masters' naked ankle.

Ichigo knelt down and scratched the albino neko behind its ears. "Sometimes I wish you were human Shiro, then I wouldn't have to try and be someone I'm not."

The feline purred loudly just then before knocking its orange haired master off balance and onto the plush carpeting-resting its' heavy paws on the human's chest.

"Always so pushy," Ichigo laughed-he'd swear his neko was laughing at him-golden eyes glittering in the darkness-it was probably just them moonlight playing tricks on him-still he lazily played with the feline's tail. "Who do you think I should I say good bye to first eh Shiro?"

()()()

An hour before sun rise…

The sun hadn't even risen and yet Starrk was anxious to start the new day.

He reached a decision before his head had met the pillow last night-he would not wait until the end of the week-that was too far away-instead he would set off today to see Lady Rangiku.

And he was going to drag Kazeshini along with him.

Yes he decided in addition to finding out more about Ichigo-he wished to uncover who Kazeshini really was-the young chef enjoyed playing around so much Starrk wasn't quite sure he believed anything that had been said.

()()

Past relationships and common sense taught the Coyote that he should never try and conduct 'business' with out plenty of caffeine in his system-so after he showered and dressed for the day, Starrk made his way downstairs.

Not entirely surprised to see Kazeshini setting the table.

The young male took one look at the Coyote, rolled his eyes and then made his way over to the counter and put coffee beans in the grinder.

Wondering (not for the first time) if Kazeshini was not quite from this universe-Starrk pulled out a chair and sat down.

()()

Less than an hour and 4 cups of coffee later…

Starrk wasn't so sure he wished to hear what ever it was the pale-eyed male was about to tell him but he figured it was better to hear it now rather never.

()()

Kazeshini fiddled with the dials on the radio for a few minutes before settling on the yodeling sounds of a country star from overseas.

It was an odd choice of music but Starrk ignored it in favor of pressing the younger male for more information.

After a moment or two Kazeshini spoke "Grimm is what I like to call a returner, meaning quite obviously someone who has returned-returned from what or where or for who you're probably askin' yourself? But that's the wrong question you see-what you want to ask is why?

And the answer is: During my second day at the mansion he tried to steal from Ichigo-would have been successful to if I hadn't pulled the rug out from under him and whacked him over the head with a bat.

Ichigo doesn't remember any of this of course-how could he? Grimm was wearing a mask over his face-the only way I knew it was him was because I had seen the bastard with out his mask before he went to commit the crime.

But it wasn't money, jewels or even furniture that Grimm wanted-no he wanted the young master himself-course I didn't know this until all of those pictures spilled out of his coat when I knocked him unconscious.

When he came to and I demanded to know what the fuck he thought he was doing he confessed to having watched Ichigo for awhile-I was pissed yet at the same time couldn't really blame the guy-I mean watching Ichigo is a favorite past time of mine as well.

Starrk clenched and unclenched his fists-once again feeling the urge to unleash the wolf and-

"And then he just randomly decided to become a repair man?"

()()()

Kazeshini shrugged, "What can I say? Love/Lust/Obsession what ever you want to call it makes people do all sorts of things. Take Nemu-san for example when she thinks no one else is looking she goes into the young masters bathroom and well I'm not really sure what she does in there but I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with cleaning."

When he saw the way the Coyote was glaring Kazeshini cleared his throat "But anyway even though the young master enjoys flirting with Grimm it won't get any further than that-he trailed off when the Coyote started to well he wasn't sure what the man was doing-howling wasn't quite the proper word-and growling didn't seem accurate either but-

"Who else?"

"Who else what?" The young chef played dumb.

Deep gray eyes narrowed to thin, sharp slits "Do not play with me-who else has their sights set on my berry?"

"Hmm now let me think…don't know the guys name but I'm pretty sure just the other day when the young master came back from one of his errands he was-

"He was what?"

"Well Ichigo was limping-said he fell off a ladder but its just not like him-he's not the clumsy type-

()()

Starrk saw red-only the voice in his head that sounded so much like Lilinettte could keep him from doing something drastic at this point.

He gripped the steering wheel, digging his blunt nails into the leather "What do you mean he was limping?"

()()

Kazeshini shrugged.

Sure he had been pissed at first but he had no claim over the orange berry-he probably shouldn't have even told the goateed male but he reasoned if Starrk really wanted Ichigo he should not be kept in the dark on what the young master may/may not do during his 'errand time.'

"Shall we take a little trip before going to this gypsy of yours?"

A moment of silence and then…

"No. Nothing else will be done until I've spoken with Lady Rangiku."

()()

After a ridiculous long drive and 5 bathroom breaks later they arrived…

"Oh my if I had know two of Karakura Town's most eligible bastards were coming over to visit me this morning I would have put on something sexier," Rangiku frowned when she noticed that neither the chef nor the 'gardener' even pretended to act as though they were interested in her, let out a sigh and ushered the duo inside.

()()()

She had to admit she was a bit surprised that they had known where to find her actual house-then again the Coyote wasn't exactly the average man-and from the looks of things neither was his companion.

"Save the pleasantries for someone else Lady Rangiku, you know why we're here."

Rangiku couldn't help but giggle. "My my what an angry expression, are you really the same handsome gentleman who shared my tent with me just a few short days ago?"

The Coyote narrowed his gray eyes and the buxom ginger blonde abandoned all attempts at flirting and played with the gemstone around her neck as she waited for the man to continue.

Powder blues swept over his form-once again trying to figure out why he gave her an outer-worldly sort of feeling.

She couldn't quite put her finger on-it was best to consult her tea cup and crystal ball.

"It was you who brought me here Lady Rangiku, that day in the tent and now-although I still have yet to put al the pieces together I have a feeling you're using some type of old gypsy magic with a modern twist."

"Now wait just a minute what makes you thi-

"Please stop lying Lady Rangiku. I hate to raise my voice to a woman."

"I-I'm not lying."

And she wasn't-she had just conveniently left out a few minor details.

()()()

Starrk frowned feeling rather confused "You told me Ichigo was your former student-told me that although he might have many admirers I had no reason to worry-he would be mine without question."

"And he will-while I admit there might have been a few erm setbacks it doesn't matter you see-Ichigo is a very troubled young man and he doesn't kno-

"Doesn't know what he's doing? Don't you dare insult Ichigo in front of me!"

Starrk hadn't expected Kazeshini to lash out at the woman just then-he thought he had seen the young chef angry before but that was nothing compared to the expression the younger male was wearing now.

Nothing compared to the thunderous aura rolling off of him.

()()

Lady Rangiku pulled her robe more closely around her-as if fighting a sudden chill that had come over her body.

Then quite with out warning she stood up and went into the other room-only to return a moment or two later balancing a teapot and 3 cups on a silver tray, her crystal globe and a colorful scarf.

Before they could go any further she had to find out more about this "Kazeshini" character.

()()()

"I make it a rule to get to know a little bit about my clients before telling them what they wish to know,"-Rangiku rested her chin in the palm of her hand and studied the pale eyed individual seated across from her "Kaze-kun what can you tell me about yourself-it can be anything from a favorite food to music to the best relationship you've ever been in-or it can be something you've never shared with anyone."

The male with two-tone colored hair and a rather interesting shade of skin tone glared at Rangiku for a moment before offering a response "I'm a criminal-or rather I was up until a short while ago."

Somehow Rangiku doubted that the young male was telling the truth but she encouraged him to continue "And how exactly did you meet Ichigo?"

"What can I say," here he offered her a cheeky sort of grin "Guess I grew tiered of slaughtering animals and tiny babies for a living-after a while all that blood kind of got to me so my cousin Shu turns to me and says 'Kaze how would you like to work for a too-sexy-for-his own good young master who goes around in nothing but short shorts' and I said 'Sign me up right now."

Rangiku nodded. "Anything else you care to share?"

"Hmm every now and then if I'm feeling in a particularly sadistic mood I like to bring a little knife play into the bedroom-nothing life threatening-just a lil splash or two of crimson-never could quite kick the habit even if I did give up the satanic cult lifestyle."

"Really well that is certainly quite something-let us take a deeper look using this shall we

Rangiku's crystal ball was not an average crystal ball-it was a rare one of a kind which had been passed down to her from her ancestors-it not only showed her and her clients the future, it showed the past, dreams, memories and illusions of her own making-not that she'd tell the two men this-at least not yet.

She took a few sips from her tea cup and began

'Kare "Kazeshini" Shigure-Kouya-kun, "Kaze" for short, age 22, one half brother who is 2 months older than him. Kaze ran away from home when his parents announced they were sending him to a bible camp, wound up being raised by an elderly woman who had mistaken him for her dead son, Kou

Having very little to do in order to entertain himself during the day Kaze watched the cooking channel and read lines with his adopted mother, the dear sweet woman had a real fondness for classics-her favorite being A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Kaze became a modern day puck, growing out his hair, frosting the tips and then dying it red.

When he turned 16 he won a round way trip to Italy in an illegal poker game and wound up working in a café.

Then he returned home at 19-working various odd jobs up until just recently shortly after his 22nd birthday, Kaze found himself landing a position as a personal chef."

"So basically everything that came out of your mouth was a lie? Even the fact that your cousin is actually your half brother."

"Same father, different mother, who gives a shit? Anyway who cares what I've done up until now-my life and who I am is nobodies fucking business!"

Never in all her readings had Rangiku ever received such an explosive response.

She looked from the Coyote to the chef and back again.

()()()

Kazeshini felt a bit annoyed-make that really annoyed.

How the hell had some modern day gypsy with monstrous sized tits pegged him in the span of less than 5 minutes?

What the hell?

Here he had thought the woman to be a complete floozy-a fake but now he knew better-ditzy ness and all, this woman was the real deal.

Deciding that throwing a tantrum wouldn't do any one any good Kazeshini decided to ask the woman a question or two of his own "How exactly did you get started and more importantly why did you send this guy (he pointed to the goateed male seated next to him) after Ichigo?"

Even with her reddened cheeks and slight hiccup (showing signs of alcohol intoxication) the ginger blonde answer was not slurred.

"You can hardly blame me for seeking out the best potential candidates in order to insure my nephews' happiness."

"Nephew? You told me Ichigo was your student?"

The woman nodded "Yes he was my student as well-sadly he never had the patience to truly unlock his power-but that doesn't really matter anymore."

"Wait a minute! So then this pup here got it right-you brought him to you-told him that he should go seek out Ichigo-

"I may have sprinkled a little gypsy magic in the air but I am not the one who writes destiny-the higher powers are in control of that."

"What exactly do you mean by that-you either did or didn't bring him to you."

"I am merely on a mission to put a stop to Ichigo's bad choices in men. Any aunt or mother in my position would do the same. And although you sit there with a glower on your face Kaze-kun, you yourself know you would not have accompanied the Coyote here if you didn't believe he was worthy of the young master's hand."

Kazeshini couldn't argue. The woman was right. She was right.

"Fine but what now? How do we take it to the next step?"

()()()

Around 9-ish in the morning…

Ichigo received the call when he was in the middle of having breakfast with Inoue, Rukia, Nel and Tatsuki.

Quietly excusing himself from the table Ichigo walked to a secluded corner in the café and then scrolled through his messages and played them back.

Of all the people he expected to call him-Kariya Jin was not one of them. It was so out of the blue-he hadn't seen the man in a very long time-they hadn't exactly ended on the best of terms-

_But in Ichigo's defense it wasn't exactly his fault-the damn thing had just flown out of his hand-he had more common sense and respect then that-he would not just break a priceless antique._

_Not that Kariya gave him a chance to explain-the man had simply pushed him out the door after saying 'You are clearly a child-I have no interest in a child'_

_Even though Ichigo had know better he had grown attached and continuing stalking the man-pleading for another chance-_

'_What would my mother think if she were still alive? She'd hate you for turning away her one and only son as he stands on your doorstep pouring his heart out to you?'_

_It had taken Ichigo a good half an hour and lots of over the top crocodile tears before Kariya had let him back inside._

_They agreed to go out for coffee under one condition "Do not touch me-do not look at me and for your mother's sake do try and act your age.'_

_And so they went to the café and no matter how much he pouted-the man acted as though he didn't even exist-so Ichigo stormed off._

_Not running into each other until a month or two later-he was at a court house-paying off an unjust speeding ticket-only he didn't have to because Kariya had shown up and paid for him-then following this Kariya invited him out for cheesecake._

Okay so maybe they hadn't ended on the worst of terms but Kariya had eventually stopped talking to him and Ichigo had eventually stopped going over to the house up on the hill and his aunt Rangiku had never been more thrilled.

Sometimes in the privacy of his own thoughts the orange berry wondered if the ginger blonde had said something to the man-maybe she had-he shook his head-

Deciding it didn't matter.

Kariya wished to see him and heaven help him Ichigo kind of wanted to see Kariya-only this time around maybe he'd call the man Jin.

He sent the man a text telling him that he would be delighted to meet around 1 in the afternoon and then returned to his table.

After all it wouldn't be right to abandon his female companions just so he could run off, run home and rummage through his closet in the hopes of finding the most perfect outfit before going to see his almost-ex

()()

"Everything alright ichigo?"

"Ah."

Tatsuki looked doubtful but let it slide. "Anyway Nel was just telling us about her latest screen play-Nel why don't you repeat it for Ichigo?"

Hazel green-eyes sparkle before the bubbly woman with sea-green colored hair opened her mouth "Well like I was telling the girls I'm going for a completely new angle this time around-more raw-more edgy-

()()()

Apparently Lady Rangiku became rather drained after every 'fortune telling' and so she had decided to take a break and instead recount the days of Ichigo's childhood-which Starrk truly had no complaints about since he firmly believed that events and occurrences in life shaped and molded individuals into who they were meant to become.

Still he was anxious to get back to the real reason he was here.

"Enough with trips down memory lane since I much rather have Ichigo himself telling me."

The woman pouted and Starrk rolled his eyes.

"Don't give me that. My patience is wearing thin, now please could we just move on-what is the next step I need to take in order to get my human heater."

Rangiku did not answer right away…

()()

Kariya was still just as attractive as ever as he stood in the doorway making a silky button down shirt, tie and slacks look sinful in a way only a man like him could.

It might have been awhile but Ichigo had not forgotten-he would never forget that

Rich and thick white head of hair which was styled in a rather unique sort of way-sometimes giving the appearance of ears on a wild animal -in addition to the ears themselves which were partially pointed, beneath thick arched brows a stunning pair of ruby red eyes (which the man had insisted were not contacts) prominent cheek bones and partially pointed chin (not quite diamond shaped but close to it) thin lips-stained with coffee-hard and muscular body- despite having seen it many times before Ichigo swallowed suddenly feeling rather thirsty-Kariya Jin-a great white wolf fused with a vampire-

Ichigo realized he probably would sound like an idiot if he voiced such thoughts out loud but he couldn't think of a better way to describe the man.

And yet even as he practically drooled on the man's front door step a cloud of guilt washed over the orange berry just then-something was telling him that he shouldn't have come here-something was telling him-he shook his head-he had every right to admire Jin if he wanted to-yes there was no harm in-

"I certainly have no objections to standing outside with you all day but as I recall you like your tea best when it's hot, right Ichigo?"

Right now Ichigo didn't really care about tea-didn't care about much of anything except "Can I use your bathroom?"

()()()

The trio was in the middle of debating about whether or not it would be a wise idea to hire professional hit men in order to eliminate the Coyote's competition when Rangiku felt an all too familiar wave come over her.

Old habits die hard.

Her dear nephew was at it once again-revisiting an old flame-she shook her head, knowing she had to do something before it headed in the direction that it looked like it was headed for-but first

"Gentleman I want to make one more thing perfectly clear before we go any further

"Something about Ichigo?"

She nodded. "He is not as innocent at you might have previously been led to believe."

At a raised brow she continued, "What I mean is although he hasn't officially gone the full mile, he's not exactly erm pure."

"Is there a point to this Lady Rangiku?"

She noted the irritation in the Coyote's voice and decided that it wouldn't be wise to drag it out any further-

"My crystal ball is no ordinary crystal ball-in other words it will not only show the future but-

"The past as well?"

It was almost frightening how the young chef seemed to know what she was going to say before she said it.

"Is there something in the past that I should know of?"

"Well not exactly but-listen its best if I just show it to you."

The Coyote sounded far past irritated and was slipping into angry-the table shook-

"Get on with it!"

()()

Ichigo was doing what he was about to do for one reason and one reason only-letting go and saying goodbye

He set down his dessert fork and leaned over the table in a somewhat barbaric fashion-getting a good grip on the man's tie and then pulling him towards into a fierce and final kiss.

Jin tasted of cream cheese, raspberry scones and something entirely and uniquely him-Ichigo noted that all though it was still a wonderful flavor something was telling him there was a better one out there-yet to be explored discovered and so he released the man and sat back, a light smile playing on his lips.

Quite possibly the best goodbye kiss ever if he did say so himself.

"Enjoying yourself Ichigo?"

"I am but don't get the wrong idea-what I did just now-forget it happened."

The man's face was unreadable but after a moment or two "Already forgotten." He lifted his teacup to his lips and took a few sips before setting it down and continuing "But you know if you ever change your mind somewhere down the line, I'll be here."

Ichigo frowned. Feeling cheated some how.

Damn nonchalant bastard-that wasn't how it was supposed to play out.

Kariya was supposed to knock the table over and then ravish him on the cold marble stone floor.

It was supposed to be the perfect goodbye kiss followed up by goodbye sex.

Oral of course-he wasn't quite ready to show his branded behind to anyone.

"You wonder why I do not reciprocate?"

"Well, yeah."

"You feel nothing for me which is fine-in fact if Masaki were still alive she'd have my head for ever letting you so near in the first place."

'_**I don't care about any of that!**_' Ichigo wished to scream. '_**Kaa-san was very open-minded and my happiness was very important to her-just hurry up already and give me something special to remember you by'**_

A moment later Ichigo felt guilty.

What the hell was he thinking just now?

'_**Rangiku was right I have no judgment when it comes to men-still' (2)**_

"But then why contact me at all?"

"Because I like to torture myself-its kind of like a pretty treasure kept behind glass-if taken out it becomes-marred, tainted, ruined. I am not so selfish as to do that to you, Ichigo."

"Then you still have some interest in me?"

"Of course. I would be a liar if I said I did not."

Ichigo furrowed his brows. Why did so many damn people in his life have to be some damn confusing and contradictory?

"Can we do something besides sit here and eat cake?"

After a moment or two of silence the man stood up and beckoned the orange berry to follow him into the next room.

()()

"You will sing for me-that is the gift you will give to me before you depart."

()()

Kazeshini nearly choked on his ramen. He had no idea the young master could sing. He looked to the modern gypsy-the woman was wearing a fond smile on her face-

"Did I forget to tell you? Back when he was in grade school Ichigo was one of the most talented members in the all boys choir. My sister was so proud of him-we all were," she frowned slightly "He gave it up when he turned 15, said it hurt too much-but maybe he was just embarrassed or something. Even I don't always know what is going on in my dearest nephew's mind."

He looked over to the Coyote not at all surprised to find an angry scowl on the older man's face.

()()()

To say that Starrk was not happy wasn't nearly strong enough to describe what he was feeling/thinking at the moment-

Why exactly was Lady Rangiku showing him this?

Was she trying to scare him off?

He glared at the woman but she seemed to have developed a resistance to it-either that or the sake was clouding her perception among other things-

Starrk had let the kiss slide since after all Ichigo was still technically free to do whatever he wanted to do even if it did irk him-but he wasn't so sure he would want to stick around and watch what happened next-sure singing had seemed innocent enough but those eyes-this "Kariya Jin' character had the kind of eyes that spoke of not-so innocent things.

Honestly the Coyote just wished to rise up out of his chair, track down the man who dared to make such a request from his berry and-

()()()

"Why don't we return to this in a few minutes shall we?" Rangiku placed her scarf over the crystal ball, blew into her tea cup and then lifted the scarf off once again-

The scene was entirely different-

()()()

_A man with long white-blond hair sat in what looked to be a library or a study lost in thought or concentrating on the text in front of him-it was difficult to tell. _

Starrk looked to Lady Rangiku and she simply winked and mouthed the word "Watch" to him before blowing into her tea cup once more-

_Almost as if on cue or like a poorly written porno another man with wavy brown hair came swaggering in-stumbling slightly as he made his way over to the white haired male._

_Despite being quite smashed-the man could easily navigate his way around the dimly lit library-_

"_Ju-chan," a sing-song voice "Put down the book and come and play with me."_

At Starrk's raised brow Rangiku just smiled and redirected his attention to the globe

"_Something on your mind Ju-chan," the happy drunk asked as he started playing with 'Ju-chan's' white long locks-bringing it up to his nose and inhaling its sweet scent._

_At last 'Ju-chan' spoke "It's nothing much Shun. I've just been thinking about Ichigo-kun lately."_

"_Ah I see well then perhaps you should invite him over?"_

'_Ju-chan' looked horrified "What are you suggesting? Ju-Just because he's in my thoughts from time to time doesn't mean-the man trailed off when Shun started to nuzzle his nose into the crook of his neck-making his lover turn a lovely powder pink color in the process-"What are you-st-!"_

"_Say Ju-chan I know your birthday is still awhile away but since I was out of town on your last one I'll make it up to you-_

"_What are y-'Ju-chan' jumped as his shameless lover started to tug his robe away from his body, peppering the flushed skin with kisses-_

"_Let's invite Ichigo over for a lil' fun."_

_()()()_

Starrk felt his patience wearing thinner-he clenched and unclenched his fists-wishing to just smash the stupid globe into millions of tiny pieces-wishing to slit the throats of the shameless geezers who dared to daydream about his berry.

()()()

When Rangiku took note of the gentleman's animalistic snarl she decided it was time to switch the scene again-maybe Ichigo will have left Jin by now-

Not quite!

()()

_The man had instructed Ichigo to stare out the window while he was singing-Starrk had not understood why the man had made such a bizarre request until Mr. Ruby Eyes went to unzip his pants…_

_Kariya wrapped a fist around his angry pulsing red organ and began to jerk off in time with the music._

Starrk looked over at Rangiku-not surprised in the least to find the blonde looking all glossy eyed and fanning herself.

He was not amused.

Yes Ichigo had a lovely voice but to masturbate to it-how dare the man do such a thing!

Deciding he had seen more than he had ever wanted to see Starrk grabbed the scarf from the ginger blonde and covered the globe once more.

He moved to stand up only to find the woman pulling him back down.

"Sit down. We are not finished."

Starrk wished to slap the woman's hand away but it was not in his nature.

He looked to his pale eyed companion who hadn't said or done anything in awhile-actually from the looks of things Kazeshini had apparently fallen asleep to the sweet sounds of Ichigo's voice.

_**Maybe I should do the same?**_

_**Yes that's why I'm so cranky I haven't had my 14 hours of sleep lately. **_

()()()

When Rangiku took note of the Coyote's simmering aura she deemed it safe to lift the scarf once more-

_A familiar blue haired grade A too cocky for his own good repair man stood in front of a full-length mirror flexing his muscles and apparently giving himself some sort of ra-ra pep talk or something._

"_You are one sexy bastard." He said to his reflection_

T_he reflection grinned back at him "__**Thanks I try."**_

_Grimmjow raised a brow "Try? Modesty doesn't suit you."_

"_**Nah it really doesn't. Why try and down play?"**_

"_Exactly I know right, who wouldn't want a piece of this?"_

"_**Why a piece when they could have the whole freakin' platter?"**_

Starrk really wasn't sure how he should react to this-next to him Kazeshini (who had apparently woken up) was snickering.

"Look at that-he can even flex his nose and ears." The snickering continued "Wonder if he does this everyday."

"He does." Lady Rangiku was wearing a grin, which morphed into a full blown smirk as she continued "Sometimes he even gets off on his own reflection."

"Enough! Lady Rangiku I didn't come here to watch Ichigo play with his other suitors-nor did I come here to watch random bastards jack off-if we could kindly get back to what matters most I would greatly appreciate it."

A moment or two passed and then

"My dear Coyote, you need to have patience. These things take time."

()()()

Concluding it was best not to actually touch the man with her own fingers at this time-Rangiku reached into her bathrobe and pulled out the blue-white orb still encased in the glass box and pressed it into his hands- "This will help."

She didn't further elaborate even though it was clear he wanted her to.

"On the night you are with Ichigo be sure to use this-then come back to me on the following day."

The man frowned wondering what the hell he was supposed to do with some strange orb inside a box.

He looked to Kazeshini, seeing if perhaps the younger male had some idea but he seemed just as baffled.

Rangiku smiled. Everything was going to work out just fine-she would make sure of it.

()()()

After leaving Lady Rangiku's Starrk decided that instead of returning to Ichigo's mansion he would go home.

He was not giving up!

Wouldn't even dream of such a thing-no he simply felt that it was best to talk with his sister-he figured if any one could dig him out of his little white lie it would be her.

First things first he had to convince Kazeshini to keep yet another one of his secrets.

"I'm going away for a short while but I'll be back in a few days. If you could just tell Ichigo that-

"That you what got lost on some random road-

Starrk didn't have the patience for the chef's sarcasm at this point. "Just tell him I've gone away to meditate for a few days up in the mountains. Tell him that I am sorry for the short notice but it had completely slipped my mind until my sister called to remind me."

"What the hell? You're going to walk away from your job so you can go and play with your kid sister?"

"No I'm going to find a way to finish Ichigo's garden but I don't want you to tell him that."

"You want me to lie to the young master?' Naturally as Starrk had expected Kazeshini didn't sound to happy about that.

"You lie to everyone else," he pointed out.

The younger male scowled. "That's different."

Starrk raised a brow "How?"

"Never mind how!" Kazeshini snarled out "I won't do it."

Starrk wasn't backing down. He had dealt with men who were twice as stubborn as the two-tone haired chef.

()()()

A few nights later…well technically it was late in the afternoon but anyway…

"Only you would agree to go out with two men on the same night, Ichigo."

"You say it like it's a bad thing I mean get off my back already Rukia it's not like I'm committed to anyone."

"Oh no that would be too much to hope for." The sarcasm in the raven-haired girls' tone was crystal clear.

Ichigo fumed. "Shut up and just tell me if I look okay?"

"Hm, turn."

The berry did as his annoying female friend instructed and slowly rotated so she could see every angle of the outfit he had selected.

"Well?"

"Not bad I mean it doesn't exactly say date night but-

"Forget it," Ichigo started tugging on the collar of his shirt-suddenly feeling too constricted.

Even though he was meeting Tousen-san after his date with Grimmjow-perhaps the berry should just stick to what he liked best instead of worrying about what every one else would think.

Rukia, in her typical non-helpful style just laughed at him "And what's up with that hair?"

Ichigo scowled and threw his hands up in the air "I give up, you're of no help to me at all-I'll just ask someone else."

"Like who? All of the members on your cleaning staff went off to the circus earlier this morning remember-I'm the only one you got well unless you count Shiro but he's just a cat." 

As if knowing the raven-haired girl was talking about him the albino neko entered the living room just then and clawed at her dress.

"Shiro stop that!"

Much as Rukia irritated him from time to time that was no excuse for his overly jealous feline to attack her.

The neko flinched as if burned and then glowered at its owner.

Rukia laughed "I swear he has the spirit of a man trapped in his body."

Ichigo was about to open his mouth in order to respond when the door bell rang…

()()()

"Hi Ichigo."

His long lost gardener standing outside his front door looking like he had certainly seen better days.

Honestly when Kazeshini had told him that the Coyote was going away to meditate in the mountains Ichigo hadn't expected to ever see the man again-on top of which he was only a step away or two away from contacting Howling Landscapes and threaten to sue them for making his late mother's garden not better but worse.

But any thoughts of suing or lashing out at the man vanished as he took note of Starrk's unusually pale and clammy skin, blood shot eyes and hoarse voice.

()()

Starrk had no one but himself to blame but at the same time everyone knew that nothing came for free.

Still it would have been nice if Lilinette had mentioned that more then 2/3rd of her drama team were sick-would've been nice if she had given him a warning or at least a facemask or something.

'_Suck it up Starrk! I'm going to help you get one step closer to your orange heater and in return you're gonna help me and my crew set up stage and you better do a damn good job to or so help me I'll make you regret it.'_

And so he had and now he was back on Ichigo's doorstep waiting to be let inside.

"Ichigo I'm leaving now."

He didn't recognize the voice but was glad that it was clearly female and not male.

"Alright Rukia see you later."

()()()

The Coyote looked like he was going to fall over any moment and Ichigo asked himself '_**Is it really alright to leave him by himself-the rest of the staff are out and about and I myself am ready to leave so no one will be around to watch him-granted he's a grown man but still-'**_

Ichigo knew if he were in the man's shoes right now he would not wish to be left alone for such a long period of time.

'_**Maybe I should just call Grimm and Tousen-san and try and reschedule?'**_

Yet even with these thoughts Ichigo did not want to cancel his plans-he felt torn.

()()()

Once the world stopped spinning Starrk took notice of the orange berry-Ichigo was looking extra delicious this evening-traded in his t-shirt and jeans for midnight blue v-neck sweater khaki pants-smelling of sweet peppermint tooth paste with a touch of something the Coyote couldn't quite place at the moment.

He had smelled it before-that day up in the young master's bedroom.

Starrk cursed his cold-if only he wasn't sick he could finally reach out and touch Ichigo, taste Ichigo, become completely wrapped up in his human heater leaving no room for protest as he would sweep the berry up the stairs into his guest room and-

The orange berry looked adorably conflicted-actually almost everything Ichigo did was somehow adorable in Starrk's opinion.

()()(0

It shouldn't have been a surprise when Starrk started tipping forward and Ichigo caught him-and yet it was a pleasant surprise

()()

Wouldn't be the first time Ichigo had taken care of a friend-not that his gardener was a friend exactly (although he'd certainly like it if the man was-if not more) Actually if Ichigo was going to be completely honest with himself he wished gardener was definitely more than a friend.

He shook his head

'_**What the hell is wrong with me? Thinking such thoughts when he's clearly feeling under the weather?'**_

The weight on Ichigo's shoulder suddenly increased-following this a soft snore pulling the orange haired youth out of his inner bashing session and back to what mattered.

()()

Starrk wasn't light but he wasn't ridiculously heavy either-still Ichigo had to use caution as he guided his long limbed gardener to the bed.

Pulling the covers over the still lightly snoring figure Ichigo moved to leave when…

An arm shot out and pulled him down-and now Ichigo was trapped underneath the sleeping Coyote's arm.

And he started to feel a little dizzy himself-tempted to nestle his body even more closely only to snap to his senses when he felt his pocket vibrate.

Ichigo carefully extracted himself out from under the man and then left a pillow in his place.

Almost feeling guilty when an almost inhuman sound came out of the man's mouth-that mouth-sweet butter creams-Ichigo was almost sure of it-oh how he wished to just abandon his silly rules and give into temptation.

Nobody had to know.

But no he could not take advantage of a sick Coyote.

'_**Fuck! What the hell is wrong with me?'**_

Cursing himself once more Ichigo stood up and decided that it was time to-

His pocket vibrated again-most likely Grimmjow-no doubt ranting and bitching about how he needed to 'hurry his ass up and get over to the pool hall'

Ichigo rolled his eyes and mentally cursed himself for ever agreeing to go out with the demanding bastard-even though a part of him liked Grimm's 'I am King hear me ROAR!' persona but-

He flipped open his phone and pressed it to his ear

"Yeah?"

Sure enough just as he had guessed it was Grimmjow.

_**(( You better not be thinking of standing me up brat or I swear the next time I see you I'll do a hell of a lot more with my wrench besides pull an appliance or two apart.))**_

Ichigo scowled. "I'll be there in half an hour-it's only 5 o' clock don't be such a drama queen."

He heard the man grumble before saying _**((You're lucky your hot brat or I would whip you black and blue.))**_

"I'll be there so just keep your pants on."

**((Too late.))** He could tell the man was grinning. And then Grimmjow hung up.

Ichigo rolled his eyes once more and then focused back on the task at hand, checking to see if Starrk had a fever and if so what kind of medicines he should collect in order to nurse the man back to health.

()()

Finding no sign of a fever (thankfully) Ichigo made his way downstairs into the kitchen where he prepared a hot bowl of soup and a pot of tea by the stove.

()()

At about 15 minutes to six Ichigo locked the door to his house after leaving an extra cup of tea on the nightstand in the guest room-along with the note and then set off for his first date of the night.

()()

Ichigo never quite understand why the game of pool seemed to be one of the more favored activities for one to do on a date-but he supposed it was at least a little better than the cliché dinner and a movie.

Still it all seemed rather stupid-hitting a bunch of tiny colored and numbered balls into a hole didn't exactly seem like anything special-a monkey could do it-course a monkey playing pool would at least make it a little more interesting because it could play the game with his feet or something.

Ichigo honestly didn't know why he always let his mind drift away from him-it wasn't like he had a short attention span-he simply felt that some things (shooting pool in this case) was a complete waste of time.

However not all was lost-there were a few highlights-When Grimmjow showed the magnificent muscles in his arms when he rolled up his sleeves for example or the way a single stray lock of hair fell into his electric blue eyes-the way his jaw would clench and unclench when he became particularly annoyed with an imperfect shot.

And as for the pool table it self-there was simply something sexy about the velvety green fabric-it seemed to be calling out to the orange haired male.

Ichigo had never considered doing something naughty right out in the middle of public but maybe-?

"ID?"

Ichigo cursed as a heavy-set figure loomed over him-reeking of cheap tobacco and smoked bacon-bandana tied to his sweaty forehead "LET ME SEE YOUR ID, KID."

He didn't have an idea of course because he was underage and shouldn't have been in a pool hall in the first place and he had tried to tell his date as much when they first met outside the front door but Grimmjow had simply waved it off-claimed to know the guy who owned the place.

Ichigo felt like slapping himself for being so quick to believe what was clearly a lie-he rolled his eyes at his own stupidity and his repair man's and then motioned to the blue haired male.

Grimmjow of course was too damn into his stupid game-too damn into checking out the waitresses' ass-too damn busy flexing his muscles for who ever was looking his way-

In short he was doing a damn good job of pissing the orange haired male off!

There were a couple of ways Ichigo could handle this-he could storm out and never look back-then change his number so Grimmjow could never contact him again, go home and have a good wanking session and then crawl into bed.

He could make it known to every single person in the bar (male and female) that Grimmjow was his!

Or he could simply drag the blue haired male out the door and demand to be taken elsewhere.

Decisions, decisions.

()()()

"Having fun, brat?"

"No, no really."

Ichigo felt like kind of an ass for admitting that this so called date was actually pretty lame so far but at the same time he saw no reason to lie to Grimmjow. "But like I told you earlier when I first showed up, it's not really my scene."

Blue eyes narrowed for a minute-and then with out further warning Ichigo found himself being pulled into an alley and pushed up against the wall of an abandoned building.

He tried to ignore the smell of garbage and urine and just focus on the man pinning him to the wall-feeling some what annoyed that said man had made his hands immobile for the moment.

Still there was no point to sulk or snarl-using his legs Ichigo brought Grimmjow closer to him finding great delight when a certain not quite human sound came out of the other man.

Nicotine, menthol and leather invaded each and every one of his senses when their mouths finally locked.

()()

In all of his 25 years Starrk couldn't ever recall a time when he tossed and turned in his sleep like he was doing at this very moment.

He didn't know why he felt so discontent when he woke up an empty room to find a pillow clutched under his arm-couldn't remember why he was in the room in the first place.

The last thing he recalled was…

_When Starrk went to visit Lilinette for advice on what he should do about Ichigo's garden, the girl with tea green hair had announced that she was moving out of their family home and moving in with her fellow actors from the drama studio- _

'_You can visit if you want to just make sure you always have plenty of licorice before entering.'_

_He offered her a wry smile. 'I'll be sure to remember that.'_

_Lilinette drained the last of her banana and chocolate milk shake before offering him a seat-_

"_Alright sit down and tell me what went wrong this time."_

"_Well nothing went wrong exactly its just I kind of lost my temper and-_

"_And what? You put your berry heater in a coma or something?"_

"_No I didn't do anything to Ichigo and that's the problem."_

_Lilinette raised a brow "I don't follow, what exactly is the problem? You followed the rules right?"_

_Starrk nodded. "To the T but-_

"_There is no but about it Starrk. You either did or didn't sweep the berry off his feet and into your shared bedroom."_

"_Shared bedr-Lili what exactly kind of mansion do you think Ichigo is running?"_

_The girl rolled her eyes. "So go on, what happened next?"_

"_Well he has a lot of admirers and getting him alone is proving to be quite the challenge well except for the first day when he discovered me asleep in his bed."_

"_WHAT?"_

_Starrk ducked out of the way as the empty cup came flying at him-_

"_You've been hanging around that monkey chick too much."_

_Lilinette scowled. "Hiyori just has anger issues-you leave her out of this!" this time the tv remote went flying and Starrk ducked again._

_Voice calm, he narrowed gray eyes at his sister. "Stop acting childish and let me finish explaining."_

_Lilinette leaned back in the recliner "I'm all ears."_

_()()_

"_But you didn't actually kiss him?"_

"_No I couldn't-it would be r-_

"_It wouldn't be right? Are you fuckin' serious Starrk-since when did you become such a puss?"_

_Starrk let out a sigh. "Its not like that. I want to kiss Ichigo-want to do more than kiss him-_

"_So do it then."_

"_You don't understand L-_

"_I understand just fine Starrk. Ichigo isn't as pure as you'd like him to be and that annoys you but let's look at the brighter side of things: A) He has a great ass-you'd never get tiered of teasing, fondling and tonguing it B) The walls in the house-well the ones that matter any way are sound proof-so you can get as wild and rough as you want to-C) A modern gypsy is backing you up-ensuring that even if you do mess up a time or two he'll still fall in love with you anyway. D) Well you're guaranteed the best sleep for the rest of your life."_

_Starrk couldn't argue there-those were all excellent reasons of why he should return to the mansion and claim the orange haired young master but-_

"_Why are you making that dumb face?"_

"_That garden is very important to him. Not just Kazeshini, several members of the staff have verbally expressed just how important completing the garden means to Ichigo."_

"…"

_5 minutes later…_

"_Lili?"_

"_Alright I'll see what strings I can pull but you owe me big time."_

_With a resigned sigh Starrk asked._

"_What would you have me do in return?"_

_()()()_

"Achooooo!"

Sneezing to an empty room was some how even more depressing then waking up in it had been.

Starrk sat up and waited for a few minutes let his eyes fully adjust to the dark room.

And then a moment later he noticed a strange bluish-white glow coming from the back of the arm chair-no coming from the pocket of his pants which had been laid across the back of the arm chair.

Feeling rather amused for reasons he didn't really understand Starrk climbed out of the bed and crossed the room.

()()

Heavy panting, fumbling fingertips, the next stage basically wrote itself

Or at least it had seemed to be heading in that direction-

As Ichigo got down on his knees and readied himself to envelop Grimmjow's hard yet ridiculously soft throbbing organ with his mouth-he'd been knocked away and thrown flat on his ass-hissing at the impact and ready to let out a string of curses but his date had beaten him to it

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Ichigo felt confused-was it possible he had misread the signs-

Blue eyes were burning into his flesh like lasers now.

"_**Well**_?" A snarl-so damn vicious it could hardly be considered human. It made Ichigo flinch (much to his annoyance)

"Are you gonna sit there like a fuckin' dumbass all fuckin' night or are you gonna answer my question?"

What the hell was Ichigo supposed to say?

Sorry, my mistake?

He slowly got to his feet "You seemed like y-

"I seemed like what?" Another snarl-this one was so vicious it almost felt like the man was physically striking him "_**What the fuck are you spacing out for at a time like this? Stand up and explain yourself, bitch!"**_

Okay Ichigo had had quite enough verbal abuse for one night-hot or not he was not going to let the bastard get away with talking to him and treating him like this.

A hissing snarl coming out of his own mouth-Ichigo curled his fingers into a fist and just as he was about to connect with his target-bam-like a fucking switch-his date's entire tune changed yet again-

Blue eyes soft and partially lidded, a light and teasing grin, low murmuring voice "Someone go and piss you off suddenly brat?"

Ichigo glared and then used his un-captured fist to deliver the blow to Grimmjow's face "FUCKING BASTARD!"

"Woah ease up strawberry princess, let's save the mortal combat cos-play for the honey moon."

Ichigo felt his anger slowly draining away from him and looked at Grimmjow with confusion.

Wondering if he had just imagined the scene a few minutes ago or if his date had some sort of bi-polar disorder.

()()()

Rangiku wiped the sweat from her brow.

That had been close-much too damn close.

A moment later and they could have really ruined…everything.

Downing another shot of whiskey (she had run out of sake) Rangiku placed the scarf back over her head and the crystal ball and decided to focus her energy on the next wrong suitor.

_**Ah so he had a romantic evening planned did he?**_

_**A candlelight dinner for two, soft music and an indoor Jacuzzi, very nice.**_

Rangiku pulled her head away from the crystal for a minute and thought about her next move-

Almost feeling guilty for what she was about to do since all things considered Tousen Kaname wouldn't be such a bad match for her nephew.

()()()

It wasn't like Ichigo didn't enjoy seeing the softer side of Grimmjow-it wasn't like he didn't find an almost indescribable sort of warmth wash over him when the older male interlaced their fingers-he did but at the same time Ichigo still felt angry and confused.

"What was that little episode back there about anyway?"

Grimmjow stopped walking and let go of his hand as he turned to him "What are you talking about Ichi-brat?"

Ichigo took the moment to study the man's face-willing himself not to get lost in the sharp lines and chiseled structure as he searched for any signs of deception-but all he found there was lust and blatant confusion-which in turn only confused him more.

"What's wrong brat?"

Ichigo shook his head. "Nothing. I-

"You?" Grimmjow prompted

"I don't know-just forget it. Let's get out of here-take me some place warm."

Grimmjow grinned-but it wasn't soft and slightly dreamy like the one he was giving a few minutes ago-no this was the grin Ichigo was much more familiar with "Someplace warm eh brat? I've got just the place."

Ichigo scowled. "I don't mean back to your house, Grimmjow." He crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes-making sure the older male knew he was dead serious.

Grimmjow just threw his head back and laughed.

"Asshole."

"Yeah, yeah say what you want brat but I guarantee you'll fall for me eventually."

Always so cocky and sure of himself.

SO damn irritating and yet Ichigo wouldn't want it any other way.

He grabbed hold of the lapels on Grimmjow's trench coat and pulled the man back towards him for the second time that night-this time tasting a bit of blood as tongue and teeth collided.

()()()

It was an interesting object to say the very least-seemed to change shape as Starrk continuously held it in his hand.

And the texture it self was rather difficult to pinpoint.

An orb of some sort-with mystical properties-why Lady Rangiku had given it to him was anyone's guess.

"In the most simplistic of terms humans like yourself would call it an enhancer of sorts."

Starrk turned not entirely surprised to see a new comer poised on the windowsill.

He didn't know this hybrid by name but he had come across her kind before-in the past.

"Did Lady Rangiku send you to see me?"

It was brief-blink and you'll miss type of reaction to the average person-but Starrk was far from average and he did not miss the surprise followed by suspicion followed by irritation flashing across the fox woman's face.

"There is no time for introductions Coyote Starrk. Every human is given a mission at one point or another in life, yours is to repair a shattered soul,"

"Repair a shattered soul? Is that what you're calling it these days."

Gray eyes ( a shade lighter than his own) narrowed to thin slits

"Make light of it all you want human but heed my words: Kurosaki Ichigo must be in your arms on the night of the lunar rainbow or an irreversible change will occur and you can forget about your little happily ever after with your 'human heater'."

"And this enhancer-what exactly is it supposed to enhance?" Starrk asked.

A light smirk played on the fox woman's lips. "Oh a number of things-it works a little differently for each human."

"Meaning?"

"It is not your right to ask questions, human. Just do as you are told and you will see the results when the time approaches."

The fox woman turned to leave but Starrk called her back-he had one final question.

"If I were to say use the enhancer as a-

"Do not bother finishing human." The woman rolled her eyes. "If you feel the need to use the orb in _that _way all I ask is that you ask permission first."

"It won't harm him?"

The fox woman's tail bristled as she whirled back around and shot him a deadly glare "Are you human's so foolish as to believe that Yoruichi-sama would pass on something a-

"Who is this Yoruichi you speak of?"

The woman looked as if Starrk had scalded her with a hot cup of tea or something. "Who is Yoruichi-sama? She is the single most amazing goddess in the land of tea."

Starrk raised a brow. "The land of tea?"

"Silence human! I have had quite enough of your voice for the first and only encounter. Just do as you are told and Matsumoto Rangiku will answer any and all questions."

"And you still won't tell me your name?"

"Good bye Coyote Starrk. Should we cross paths again I pray that you won't be as painfully ignorant and we will actually be able to carry on a decent conversation."

And just as quietly as she had entered, the fox woman left.

Starrk sat back down on the bed and rolled the orb between his fingers as he considered his next course of action.

According to the note which had been set on the dresser Ichigo probably wouldn't be back until almost midnight if not later-and when the young master returned he probably wouldn't have the energy to do much of anything except sleep, which wasn't a bad thing exactly.

Actually Starrk might be able to pull his first real attempts at trying to woo the berry if he approached the youth while he slept.

Worse case scenario-Ichigo would send him flying off the bed and out the door-

Starrk grinned.

'_**Might prove to be an interesting night afterall.'**_

The Coyote let out a yawn. All this brainwork was making him tiered.

He glanced at the clock and reasoned he'd have plenty of time to nap before Ichigo returned.

Grabbing the pillow which he had knocked away earlier and tucking it under his head Starrk slipped off into dreamland.

()()()

It was 15 minutes to 9 and he hadn't heard a single word from Ichigo.

In fact he hadn't heard anything from the youth since yesterday evening and well in short Tousen was feeling a bit irritated.

He knew he was probably being ridiculous.

Ready to throw a tantrum just because Ichigo was running a little late-although technically the boy wasn't late at all.

But still where was he? He could at least text him a simple 'hi or how are you or I'm excited about tonight or something-anything!'

Tousen downed his second glass of wine with in the past half hour and scowled at the clock on the wall-he could swear the damn thing was broken!

Maybe if he glared at it hard enough he could get the hands to move faster.

Move DAMN YOU!

After a moment when there was no change and Tousen regained some sense of self-

'_**Christ I'm starting to sound and act like some sort of impatient adolescent.'**_

It was all Ichigo's fault.

The boy made him act and think irrationally-made him

At the sound of the cheerful doorbell ringing Tousen abandoned all of his anger and practically flew to the entrance-throwing the door wide open and calling 'Come on up!' in a completely out of character tone.

At this rate he might as well put ribbons in his hair and start dancing around in his apron and skip down the stairs-

'_**No I'm well past the age of adolescence and entering the beaming housewife role. This boy will be the death of me'**_

_**(**_)()

But it was not the orange youth…

"Eve' nin Tousen-san what's shakin'?"

"_Ichimaru!"_

()()

Rangiku fet sorry for the man-but what's done is done and there was no turning back. '_**Now then onto the other one…let's see what should be the deal breaker-a jealous lover or-ah ha I've got it.'**_

Yes if and when her nephew ever found out he'd probably disown her forever-

'_**Well then again forever is a very long time but Ichigo will definitely not be happy with me once he's discovered that I've sabotaged all of his romantic connections. **_

_**He has to understand though-this might seem cruel but he'll be better off in the long run.'**_

()()()

Ichigo should have known better than to close his eyes and just let Grimmjow guide him to some unknown destination.

He should have refused and demanded to know where the hell he was being dragged to-he should have-

"Watch your step!"

Ichigo's ears twitched at a sudden thumping sound-it took him a moment or two to recognize the thumping as drums-the sounds grew louder-other instruments joined in-

And the berry concluded that the blue haired male had taken him to a party or club.

"Don't open your eyes until I tell you, okay brat?"

Not knowing why he was agreeing but doing it anyway-Ichigo nodded and continued to let Grimmjow guide him-frowning a bit when the space around them seemed to get more crowded or cramped-

He didn't have problems with closed in spaces exactly but-

"Grimmjow enough just tell me where the hell you've dragged me too."

Lips were near his ear "Shh, you need to keep your voice down brat-we don't want to alert the entire club."

Ichigo was about to ask what the hell Grimmjow meant by that when-

"As always you fail to follow a simple command and insist on doing things your way, Grimmjow."

Ichigo's eyes flew open-he knew that voice.

"Nice to see you to Ulquiorra, now make like a good little neko and give my brat something real nice, preferably with the stockings on."

WTF?

()()()

Rangiku felt like giggling. This was going better than she had expected-now for the icing on the cake.

()()()

"In the future I ask that you please do call in advance, Kurosaki."

What the fuck was Ulquiorra talking about?

How the hell did he and Grimmjow know each other?

And why the fuck had his blue haired date dragged him to the Frosted Neko?

Ichigo jumped when he felt some one pinch his ass-he whirled around to find a petite blond-clearly male winking and blowing kisses at him before sashaying somewhere off into one of the back rooms.

As his cinnamon and coffee brown eyes roamed the area Ichigo took note of several things.

Up on the stage -just because the guy had cat ears did not mean he should be able to-he was pretty damn sure that the human mouth really wasn't meant for such activities

Near the back of the club the two twin nekos dancing on the table tops wearing nothing but black and white striped thongs and thigh high boots.

Suspended above the air a quartet of nekos dressed in multi-colored leotards and face masks bending their bodies in such a provocative matter it would put a porn star to shame.

And then there was Ulquiorra-dressed like some fairy demon princess from hell.

"Tiaras are only issued to the host of the month. This month it is my month."

This wasn't a fucking host club-it more closely resembled a strip club

Ichigo glared at both his co-worker and his date.

"One of you damn well better explain to me just what the hell is going on here."

()()()

"There's no reason ta cry Tousen-san I'm sure Ichi-chan is just havin' car trouble or somethin'."

Not for the first time in his life Tousen found himself mentally cursing the silver-haired pain in the ass known as Ichimaru Gin.

It was as though the fox enjoyed being as aggravating as humanly possible.

Had Tousen known that Gin was going to show up at his loft he never would have let the man inside in the first place.

'_I really have turned into a foolish man and its all because of that little orange haired b-_

"Look at the Brightside Tousen-san," Gin's arm was around his shoulder yet again. The man was sloshing his wine glass as he bounced up and down on the arm of the couch "Even if Ichi-chan doesn't show, least yer don't have to drink alone tonight."

Tousen tried very hard to keep the bite out of his tone. "Surely you have better things to do with your time besides harass me, Ichimaru."

"Ah you know yer don't mean that." The man was grinning wide enough to break the sun if such things were possible "You should be countin' yer blessin's-least you still have all yer hair an' next to me and Wine-san here yer the best lookin' bastard in the room."

Tousen could not take much more of the man's antics. _**'Honestly with all do respect to Aizen-sama I do not understand what he possibly sees in this man.'**_

"Remove yourself from me at once, Ichimaru."

Gin's mood changing eyes slid open a crack "I've got an idea Tousen-san, wanna hear it?"

Perhaps it was the wine talking? Perhaps it was the beginning stages of insanity talking?

Tousen Kaname did not know what it was that made him agree to listen to whatever the silver haired fox wished to tell him.

()()()

Ichigo couldn't explain how it happened. Did not even know where to begin-Ulquiorra's speed-there was no way the black-haired male was entirely human.

Ichigo's glare intensified as Grimmjow tugged lightly on his new 'leash'

"Don't pout so much brat or I might just have to force myself on you and the last thing I would want to do is ruin you."

He wanted to spit in the bastards' smug face.

But Grimmjow had already turned his back to him.

"Remember Ulquiorra make it sexy, gotta have good wank material since I'll be going out of town for a while."

Green eyes glittered "You just remember to make the check out to 'Frosted Neko Underground' and I will turn Kurosaki into the most delicious neko you've ever seen."

()()()

**10:35 pm**

Ichigo had expected for the door to be slammed back into his face, while he had been making the long journey up the staircase he had been trying to prepare himself for a verbal lashing of a lifetime, thinking up all sorts of scenarios including but not limited to being fired.

But the more rational part of his brain reminded Ichigo that Tousen Kaname was one of the most sensible, patient and even tempered men he had ever had the pleasure of meeting.

TO BE CONCLUDED

_**Bottom Notes: Why the delay once more…? Because my darling readers/reviewers/lurkers every time I want to call it quits the Coyote, Berry and friends demand more. So there you have it. Good news is…I did partially keep my promise…tis a long chapter.**_


	8. Chapter 8

DISCLAIMER: THERE ONCE WAS A FANFIC AUTHOR NAMED SLY BUT SHE DOES NOT OWN BLEACH BECAUSE SHE CAN'T WRITE OR DRAW DETAIL FOR CRAP!

NOTES AT THE END

**FOR MISZXBRII**~Thanks for convincing me to jump back on the ship of Coyote and Berry, twas good fun.

Characters: Starrk, Ichigo, Rangiku, Kazeshini, etc etc

Warnings: AU, OOC, Spelling, Grammar, Punctuation, Language, switching views, randomness, crack, modern day gypsies and teacups, hybrids and an orb with a special power, family curses, flashbacks and most important of all a happy ending for the 'gardener' and his human heater.

()()

REVIEW RESPONSES FOR THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER

**Ane-chan:** Kaze-boy is PURE LOVE! Filler or not tis a shame more authors don't mention Kariya's character…he's a lot of fun. All hail Grimm!Kitty and his uber ego! GRINS

**MISZXBRII:** I love long chapters too! Said it before and I'll say it again: A fic with out Grimm is not really much of a fic at all in SLY's opinion. Yes the land of tea is a favorite of Aizen-sama's. Perhaps Gin can take him there on their anniversary, lol.

**The-freudianslip: **Fear not the Berry shall escape. The Coyote will make a recovery.

**TOTOROMO: **Where do I get my ideas? I have a very wild and overactive imagination, smirks. Not to mention the berry well…everything thing he does should lead to that _kind_ of result doncha agree?

**ShadowsArch: **Who said anything about Gin comforting Tousen? Who said Tousen needed comfort? Above all else Tousen is a reasonable and well-mannered sort of man.

**ShuichisBoo: **Not even close. Snorts.

Also like send out thanks to: BonneSarah, Pri-TheBishonenPuppeteer, ravensterling123, scenariodreamer, lover1492, Deviously Ruined Rose, Trinity Fenton-Phantom, I-Kill-U-For-Yaoi, Carabel

ONWARD TO THE GRAND FINALE WHICH TO SOME OF YOU MIGHT NOT BE SO GRAND AT ALL…STILL YOU MADE IT THIS FAR SO I INVITE YOU TO COME ALONG FOR END!

THANK YOU AND ENJOY!

CONARTIST IS SUCH A STRONG WORD!

_**REWIND…**_

_It was one of the best lessons one could learn in life: How to escape the evil clutches of a mega drag queen and a shameless pervert-the kind of thing that happened in action thrillers._

_Outwitting the enemy-pulling off a series of slick and quick moves like scaling the walls and sliding down the fire escape-_

_Making sure to keep your legs closed just enough so you wouldn't be flashing half of the city as you run-_

_You remove every article of clothing that you'd wouldn't even dream of being caught dead in, looking back every minutes to make sure you weren't being followed._

_Yes the uber great escape was great and all-but before the orange berry could pull off such a stunt he'd have to call in a favor or two only he couldn't do that since he'd left his phone in his car._

_So Ichigo only had himself to rely on._

_He figured the quickest way to get out of his current predicament would be by coming up with a simple and logical excuse, giving Ulquiorra no other choice but to release him from his bonds._

_But he couldn't act right away or the green-eyed male would catch on to what he was about to attempt...so Ichigo would have to wait a bit before making his move._

_()()_

_It had been so painfully cliche and Ichigo was still sort of impressed that it had worked but he supposed even bastards like Grimmjow and Ulquiorra could respect that 'when a man had to pee a man had to pee'_

_The moment he had made it into the bathroom he took the lounge chair, which had conveniently been placed there and used it to block the door._

_Then he studied his surroundings and concluded that while climbing on top of the sink might be dangerous it was the only way to reach the vents._

_Catching a glimpse of his own reflection in the mirror made Ichigo pause and turn._

_He had to admit that while he was weirded out he was also a bit impressed that Ulquiorra had been able to find an almost perfectly matching set of cat ears to sew into the orange wig, which had been pinned down onto his head. _

_The wig itself was even more impressive an exact match-if Ichigo didn't know better he would have thought that his co-worker had snuck into his bedroom over the past few years and collected each and every single lock of his hair and then turned it into a wig._

_Ichigo wasn't so sure how he felt about that. _

_Which brought to mind another question: Just how long had the black-haired male been planning this? _

_It really wasn't just spare of the moment was it?_

_The orange berry scowled._

'_**Who cares I need to get out of here!'**_

_And yet even though he told himself this Ichigo decided to take in the rest of Ulquiorra's 'masterpiece'_

_And snorted at the petticoat dress, stockings and heels._

'_**On second thought that bastard is already overly cocky I wouldn't compliment him if my life depended on it not to mention I'm a freakin' guy although it didn't doesn't look half bad on me but that's not the point like I said I'm a freakin' guy and I don't care what the hell those damn dreams I've been having lately are trying to tell me I have absolutely no desire to wear chick clothes.'**_

_So it was decided the heels would be the first things to go._

_Ichigo made sure to drop the damn things in the toilet and then mentally prepared himself for what he was about to do._

_()()_

Truthfully Tousen had thought that the silver-haired man could handle his wine better but 15 minutes after listening to Ichimaru talk about a number of different punishments that should be dished out to the tardy boy better known as

'Ichi-chan'-the man had slipped over to the side and began to snore.

Priding himself on not losing his patience anymore than he already had, Tousen picked up the sloppy intoxicated man and moved him into the guest room.

Then he made a call down stairs telling the idiots at the front desk to _'not fuck up a simple task-all that was required of them was to contact Aizen-sama and tell him to pick up his snoring fox'_

Not caring if the brunet was busy or if it was inconvenient because at the moment Ichimaru was an inconvenience to Tousen.

He wanted the fox to be as far away as possible because he really had no desire to try and explain the man's presence to the orange haired youth if he did in fact manage to show up.

Ichigo might come. He might not come. Tousen decided he would no longer stress over it.

_**'I am going to relax'**_

()()

And now he was making his way through the vents towards the exit-letting out a string of curses when part of the periwinkle blue uber girly monstrosity ripped up the side.

'_**How the hell do women function in these damn things day after day?'**_

()()

When at last Ichigo reached the outside he let out a sigh of relief and the considered what he should do next.

Fleeing the scene was a definite but how he would flee?

Complete his uber great escape?

There was his own car and then there was his date's car…looking all shiny and almost too damn good for its bastard of an owner.

An uncharacteristic smirk made its way on to Ichigo's face.

()()()

Revenge is a dish best served cold! Payback is A Grade A Bitch!

Cold was over rated Ichigo's idea of revenge was hot-as in hotwiring Grimmjow's car that is.

A little trick he had picked up in his teens after hanging around a girl whose family owned an 'autoshop'

It wasn't a proud 'skill' necessarily-technically it was illegal but after the night the blue haired bastard had put him through Ichigo didn't give a damn about rules or laws.

Besides he wasn't a total idiot-it's not like he would wreck Grimmjow's car-much!

()()

Another trick Ichigo had picked up in his youth was multitasking-between each red light or stopping at intersection he would discard another article of clothing.

When he finally got down to his underwear he decided that it would be best to pull over and see what was buried in the back seat.

He couldn't exactly greet Tousen-san in his underwear-though it might be interesting just to see how the man would react if he did such a thing.

'_**Maybe someday, somewhere down the line I mean if things actually get that far-I mean for all I know**__-Ichigo shook his head-__**What the hell am I saying? This is probably only a one-time deal sort of thing and-**_

()()

Rangiku felt a bit irritated.

Now that Gin had ruined her plans she'd have to come up with something else.

And fast...because from the looks of things her nephew had managed to escape the _**Frosted Neko**_and was now making his way to Tousen's loft.

()()

It was one of those unspoken rules: Bachelors always had at least one change of clothes somewhere in their car.

In Grimmjow's case it was ripped jeans and a silky leopard print shirt-Ichigo raised a brow-thinking it was rather girly for a uber manly type like his repair man to even own such an outfit.

'_**Well everyone has their secrets'**_

()()()

Ichimaru was not born in a barn. Aizen was not born in a barn either. Facts. Simple facts.

Both men were well mannered and intelligent. Also facts.

Both men are human and because they are human they tend to make mistakes from time to time.

Tousen could let it slide-let it simply roll off his shoulders-think nothing of it-only he could _**not**_-he could not just continue to lounge in his indoor Jacuzzi when the door to his home was left wide open-

If he were a lesser man he would have chased his business partners down the stairs with a broomstick or something-but he had absolutely no desire to cause a scene-no desire to start a battle because of a simple mistake so he did not rise up from out of the water and chase down the couple.

Nor did he race to his front door and slam it shut.

Such behavior was far too barbaric for his tastes.

So instead he was going to bide his time for you see Tousen Kaname has a notebook in his head and in this notebook is a list of debts-not his own debts for Tousen is not so foolish as to put himself in such a situation-no the list of debts is what is owed to him and the silver fox and Aizen-sama are on the very top of the list.

Chuckling to himself Tousen makes another check mark next to their names-just a few more months and he can collect-just a few more months and he can go after his real long term goal.

He is not so cruel, pathetic or desperate enough to take all of their money-its not even about money-its about a game-a game of Tousen's creation designed for Tousen's own amusement.

And why?

That's for Kaname-sama to know and for everyone else to find out.

Maybe.

()()()

**10:35 pm**

Ichigo had expected for the door to be slammed back into his face.

While he had been making the long journey up the staircase he had been trying to prepare himself for a verbal lashing of a lifetime, thinking up all sorts of scenarios including but not limited to being fired.

But the more rational part of his brain reminded Ichigo that Tousen Kaname was one of the most sensible and even tempered men he had ever had the pleasure of meeting.

()()()

Leaving ones door open wide was never a smart thing to do-Ishida had certainly preached this to Ichigo time and time again and the orange haired youth supposed his bespectacled friend had a point but at the same time Ishida tended to be overly dramatic so Ichigo usually didn't give it much thought.

Until now…

Tousen-san was not a careless man and so he would not leave his door wide open even if he were expecting company.

So then why was the door wide open?

Why could Ichigo smell the faintest scent of vanilla and burgundy lingering in the hallway?

Was it possible that Tousen-san had given up on him and decided to invite another guest or guests over?

It wasn't like he could lecture the man-wasn't like he had any reason to be jealous considering he himself was a shameless flirt.

Ichigo did not bother to mask the dark glower now marring his boyish features.

Tousen-san was a grown man and should he decide to have a happy set of twin call girls or boys-or both-who was Ichigo to step in and whine?

He paused in his thought process for a moment and pressed his ear against the wall listening for any tell tale sounds that might confirm his suspicions but found nothing but the faintest trickling of water?

Hmm a leaking pipe? Or a sink that had been left on?

Or what if it was a shower being turned off-the happy trio having decided that even though they had just spent the past half hour getting squeaky clean after their little messy session earlier on that it would be oh so much more fun to play around and get messy all over again?

Although Ichigo admired and had a great deal of respect for his boss he did not know much about the man and yet-

As the orange berry let his mind run away with him yet again an entirely different string of scenarios came to mind.

What if someone (not a lover or a call boy) had broken into Tousen-san's home and committed murder while the man was showering?

If Ichigo pushed the door open would he find smears on the wall-crimson smears indicating signs of struggle-would he step into a large red puddle and be forced to hold his nose as searched for the dead body?

Because the killer was a sick bastard and simply murdering Tousen-san was not enough-the killer would have dragged the body somewhere else-the kitchen perhaps.

If Ichigo walked inside and made his way to the kitchen would he find his boss' decapitated head in the blender or something?

He shuddered at the thought and decided it was best to kick his wild imagination to the gutter for now and just knock on the door like a normal person and announce his arrival.

So he knocked sharply 3 times and called out 'Hello?'

When he did not receive an immediate reply Ichigo felt his wild imagination threaten to overcome him once more-

What if someone did answer back?

The killer was not nearly content with one victim of the night-no he or she (some chicks were pretty violent when pushed to the edge) an ex wife-

Yes what if Tousen had been married before and his ex wife had come back in a drunken rage and decided to kill him and collect his life insurance or something?

She'd come around the corner wiping the crimson off her short and thin blade and then smile pleasantly as she spotted Ichigo making his way inside.

Her voice would be sweeter then sugar right before she charged at him with her deadly weapon-insanity dancing in poison green orbs-

Ichigo shook his head more firmly.

Way too many damn horror-flick marathons with Rukia.

Next time he saw the raven-haired girl he would insist that they watch something light and fluffy like-

Ichigo jumped when he heard the faintest sound of footsteps

'_**Enough there's no point in me standing out here like an idiot and thinking about stupid crap'**_

Kicking the last of his doubts and fears down down down into the deepest depths of his twisted mind, Ichigo stepped inside.

()()

He always thought that it was stupid when the little blonde girl named Alice followed the rabbit down the hole especially since it was quite clear that the rabbit did not wish to be followed.

Almost could relate to the queen of hearts for wishing to behead the annoying and nosy little blonde girl-after all everyone who was anyone knew that curiosity killed the cat.

Or in the Cheshire cat's case curiosity turned him insane-yes he could image that the queen must have gotten quite fed up with the smart ass feline and decided to simply pluck out his brain or something.

Would something similar happen to Ichigo if he continued to wander around in Tousen-san's private sanctuary with out the man's permission?

()()

A feast fit for a King. There was probably about 10 or 15 courses set out on the long table.

Ichigo was no stranger when it came to fine cuisines what with his younger sister being an aspiring chef-in-training and all but even with his knowledge the orange berry knew for a fact that he had never even seen half of the dishes let alone know how to pronounce them.

Apparently Tousen-san had other talents.

'_**He made all this for me?'**_

Well perhaps not for Ichigo alone but for their date.

'_**Is that why he wanted to meet at such a late hour?'**_

It was possible. Then again now that Ichigo had shown up ridiculously late he couldn't help but think that maybe the feast was a trap?

Perhaps in his spare time his boss was a scientist or something and the feast that had been set out on the table was laced with several different types of potions-a handful of them potentially poisonous?

If Ichigo raised the half emptied wine glass to his lips would he find that he suddenly couldn't breathe-would he start scratching and clawing at his throat before falling down dead?

If he lifted the lid off of the giant casserole dish placed in the very center of the table would a king cobra sink its poisonous fangs into flesh and painfully and slowly drain the life out of him?

"And here I had thought you abandoned your bad habit of showing up late. I guess some things never change hmm Ichigo?"

Ichigo jumped and turned at the voice "Tou-Tousen-san!"

()()()

Her darling nephew's overactive imagination never ceased to amuse her-it would make things that much easier-all Rangiku had to do was poke a little more and Ichigo would cut ties with the man forevermore and get back home to his Coyote.

'_**I suppose before destroying yet another potential love match I should at least let them have a little bit of fun.'**_

Besides it was time to pay her favorite gentleman a little visit.

()()()

_Cougar. A Large cougar made out of ash. A Large cougar made out of ash chasing down a grown goateed male as he ran through the forest._

_Really now if Lady Rangiku insisted on visiting Starrk in his dreams she should at least have tried to come up with something better than that._

Starrk frowned as he slept on wishing that it had been his berry coming to visit him in his dreams instead.

_The goateed male felt irritated. What the hell did the damn gypsy want from him? He wasn't in the mood to play around._

'_I wish to show you something. Come with me.'_

_As if he had much of a choice as the cougar turned woman was now dragging him by his coattail through the forest at lightning speed not stopping until they reached a large tower, which definitely didn't look like it had always been there._

_Rather it looked like it had been planted there._

_But the question was why?_

'_You wish to know more about the orb? Climb the tower and you will find your answer.'_

_Starrk raised a brow. He really didn't have the energy to go on some wild goose chase looking for answers-he needed to wake up and prepare himself for the young masters return home._

()()()

Of course she wouldn't unveil the whole story to him just yet-there would be no fun in that-the element of mystery and surprise is what made love stories that much more entertaining.

In actuality Rangiku wasn't showing the Coyote much-just the briefest glimpse-if he was truly meant to be with her darling nephew (like she believed he was) then he would have to be prepared.

Entering the man's dream was a test of sorts-and really things could move much smoother and faster if he stopped being so damn stubborn.

Never had a man resisted her natural charm as much as this one.

Ah but then Rangiku had to remind herself the Coyote wasn't like the average male.

()()()

Ichigo hadn't realized just how hungry he had been up until he chewed and swallowed his first bite of food after letting the flavors mix and dance on his tongue-Tousen-san's cooking wasn't just good-it was outstanding.

He wished to ask the man if he was self taught or had learned it from somewhere-thought about inviting his boss over to dinner one night deciding he would be quite interested to see what Tousen-san thought of Kazeshini's cooking.

Perhaps they could swap recipes? Or better yet what if Tousen-san and Kaze cooked a meal together and then presented it to Ichigo?

The thought made him grin.

"I'm glad you are enjoying your food Ichigo but it would have tasted even better if you had showed up when I asked you to."

Only half of the man's words registered in Ichigo's brain-the other half flew south somewhere and now all the orange berry wished to do was become better acquainted with those lips-

Ichigo loved the purple-reddish-brown hue-it reminded him of a rich dark piece of chocolate with a cherry in the middle.

Truthfully the orange haired youth could just sit here all night and study the man across from him.

Not just the lips-but Tousen's face as a whole.

Ichigo couldn't quite put his finger but he always pegged the older man to be one of royal blood-perhaps it was the high cheek bones? The arched nose? The perfect brow?

Maybe it was the dark skin, bringing to mind the imagine of a warm slice of marble colored rye bread fresh out of the oven or toaster.

It could be the man's voice-which was a deep and low timber, the kind of voice that had left Ichigo breathless on more than one occasion.

It could be those long eye lashes-or that head of hair-long, coarse mane that was just asking to be pulled-at the moment it was bound tightly with tiny braids but if Ichigo played his cards right he might just be able to-

"-up?"

Huh? Did Tousen san just ask him a question?

Ichigo didn't want to look like an idiot and let on that he had spaced out while the man had been talking to him but-

"There's nothing wrong with it but I think a salmon or peach tone would have better complimented your skin tone rather than the plum color you selected."

Er what the hell was the man talking about?

Ichigo reached for his water glass-hoping that perhaps by some stroke of luck he might be able to make sense of the man's words.

"Where do you perform if you don't mind my asking?"

Perform? Perform-

Ichigo felt like smacking his forehead when he caught a glimpse of himself in his silverware-he had left the make up on his face.

No wonder Tousen san was talking about colors and performances.

Shit! How the hell was he supposed to explain what happened to him with out giving away that he had been in the middle of another date?

Ichigo felt like kicking himself. This was ridiculous. Why was he stressing so much?

"Look um Tousen-san I'd really rather not talk about the makeup on my face if that's alright with you."

"That's perfectly alright but in return I ask you to call me Kaname. As I have previously stated we are not at work so there is no reason to be so formal with me, Ichigo."

If that wasn't a go light Ichigo didn't know what was.

He knew he couldn't reach across the table and grab the man like he had done when he'd seen Kariya just a few short days ago but he had do something-much as he was enjoying dinner Ichigo wished to do more than just eat.

Or rather if he was going to eat he'd rather eat something else-licking his lips he put his next game plan into action.

()()()

Frankly Rangiku got tiered of watching her darling nephew make the first move over and over again-it was time to switch things up a bit.

Tousen Kaname was not a shy man by any stretch but far too often he let his damn manners get in the way of aggressor lurking just beneath the surface.

'_**Time to wake up'**_

()()()

_Starrk did not bother to question the sudden departure of the cougar for he simply did not care where Lady Rangiku had run off to-he wanted to hurry up and climb the tower, find whatever it was she wanted him to find and then return to the land of the waking._

_()()()_

_The white-ish blue orb glowed brighter as he climbed higher and higher-Starrk hadn't quite figured out what it all meant but given time-_

'_Turn back wolf-man you are not welcome here!'_

'_Don't listen to that climb higher!'_

_Voices. _

_What did it all mean?_

_Starrk climbed on…_

_()()_

It wouldn't be the first time something like this happened-something Ichigo couldn't even hope to explain-he couldn't even remember getting up to follow Tousen-san as the man left the table and ventured off into another room-couldn't even recall opening the double doors and entering the bathroom.

()()()

Her darling nephew had always been ridiculously adorable when he had a look of pure confusion on his face.

It wasn't his fault really-Ichigo didn't even have full control of his mind at the moment-of course he couldn't remember how he'd gotten from point A to point C.

Of course he couldn't explain why the dark man's tongue was suddenly down his throat-of course he couldn't explain why fingers were kneading his overly sensitive rear end-of course he couldn't tell his own moans apart from his 'beloved' Tousen-san's-

And naturally he wouldn't be able to figure out why he was suddenly down on his knees and servicing the man under water.

Rangiku almost felt that sense of guilt wash over her again-she'd set things up in such a way that her darling nephew wouldn't even be able to remember feeling any pleasure once the pain and panic sunk in.

()()()

A few sips of wine did not equal a one way trip to the land of hallucinations-there was absolutely no reason for Ichigo to suddenly feel so out of it-to suddenly feel like he was drifting into the land of unconsciousness-no reason at all.

Why did it feel like was he suddenly drowning- he felt like he was suffocating.

He supposed there was a first time for everything but choking on a man's cock?

Really?

Sure Tousen-san had an impressive package just like Ichigo had always guessed but Ichigo wasn't exactly an amateur when it came to oral pleasure-not that he was an expert mind you but still-

If Ichigo survived and lived to tell the tale he could just imagine how his friends would react.

_Rukia would turn to him with a snort and say "Really Ichigo what kind of idiot are you? Only a highly trained professional should attempt oral tricks under water."_

And Inoue would look at him with her sad gray eyes and say something along the lines of "_You shouldn't put your own safety at risk just to ensure the happiness of others, Kurosaki-kun."_

_Tatsuki would probably punch him and-_

'_**Why the hell am I thinking such things at a time like this? Really average people think of happy things right before they die-go figure I'd think of being lectured by my friends right before I kicked the bucket. **_

_**Wait! But why am I just letting this happen-I should be fighting, struggling-I should be-**_

"ICHIGOOOOOO!"

Yelling? Is that yelling he was hearing?

It sounded a lot like Tousen-san but why was the man yelling?

()()()

Kazeshini couldn't explain what it was but something told him to return to the mansion-maybe it was instinct or a sixth sense or a gut feeling-which was all pretty much the same.

Besides he could only take so much of Cirucci's little strip routines before he fuckin lost it and locked the slutty and shameless woman in the trunk of Nemu-san's hummer.

The group had had their fun and now it was time to get back to work-get back to Ichigo.

The young master might be in trouble and even though he could handle himself Kazeshini would not feel at ease until he was absolutely certain that nothing bad had happened to his favorite orange berry.

()()

Drowning someone or more accurately making another person nearly drown-nearly kill her dearest nephew was by the far the cruelest not to mention riskiest trick Rangiku had ever performed.

Watching as the dark man panicked-realized what had had happened-what he himself had done-watching the man scream and heave the unconscious nearly dead orange berry out of the water-watching as the man rescued the youth-she would have preferred if it had been the Coyote but there was only so many tricks she could perform in a day.

()()()

Ichigo's eyes remained shut out to the world but he was alive which meant Rangiku could turn away from her crystal globe for awhile and focus on other things.

()()()

If the buxom ginger blonde was anything but above average-if she even doubted her skill for even a split second she would not be Matsumoto Rangiku.

She would be a frantic and frazzled aunt-she would be cursing herself and her bad habits-she would flee the town-flee the country-flee the planet-fearing for her own life but she had no reason to be overly dramatic-all was right with the world and would continue on that way even if she'd hit a few bumps along the made-even though she made a few poor choices in judgment along the way.

And why?

Because it was destiny.

She supposed she should at least contact her darling nephew's friends-contact his siblings-she glanced at the clock on the wall-

'_**After sake hour of course.'**_

()()()

_And so he had reached the top of the tower only to be knocked off when the loud slamming of what sounded like a door pulled Starrk out of his dream._

_()()()_

"Ichigo-sama we're back!"

Starrk was not the kind of man who would break down and cry but he was not happy in the least that the rest of the hired help had apparently decided to return.

Throwing off his blankets the Coyote wasted no time in throwing on his pants and making his way back down stairs.

()()()

Something was not right. Ichigo should have returned by now.

It was well past midnight and still no sign of him.

When Starrk had questioned the rest of the staff members they had seemed just as in the dark as to the young masters whereabouts as he was.

He could not just continue to sit around doing nothing when Ichigo was clearly missing.

Starrk was careful to keep his voice even as he asked the group once more "Does anyone have any idea where Ichigo might be right now? A name or a number?"

Just as Kazeshini was about to open his mouth and throw out a few ideas the door flew open…

()()

The momentary feeling of relief evaporated when the person at the door did not turn out to be Ichigo.

The Coyote did not bother the keep the growl out of his tone as that familiar cocky grin made its way onto the blue haired assholes face.

"What the hell are _**you**___doing here?"

Looking completely at ease despite the murderous aura in the room Grimmjow lifted his hand in greeting "Yo! I'm looking for the brat, he ran off before we could finish-think I might've freaked him out but he'll get over it."

Starrk was ready to lunge at the arrogant repairman but Kazeshini beat him to it.

()()

72 hours later…

Timeless clichés seemed to follow Ichigo one after another-

Voices.

"Ichi-chan really is cute when he sleeps isn't he?"

"He isn't taking a nap, he is unconscious Ichimaru."

"Same thing, got ta say Tousen-san didn't think yer had it in ya-

"What exactly are you insinuating, Ichimaru?"

"Don't get so defensive all the time. I mean yer only human,"

"Are you suggesting that I-?"

"We are not attacking you here, Kaname."

"Then what exactly are you doing?"

"This isn't a lecture I merely wish to offer you a bit of advice."

"Advice?"

"In the future it would probably be best if you reserved any and all attempts of s&m play for a more experienced partner-Gin and will gladly I offer our services at least until you've found someone."

_**WTF?**_

Aizen and Gin weren't really talking about what he thinks they were talking about were they?

Where was he?

What was going on?

He could hear Tousen-san's voice as well-the man sounded extremely unhappy.

"What the hell is wrong with the two of you?"

"Relax Tousen-san-jus' makin' conversation-yer need to lighten up Ichi-chan's probably just bein' stubborn-he probably could wake up at any time."

Waking up in an all white room-correction an uber ugly bright white room and having these three crowded around his hospital bed.

Great. Fucking peachy. So it hadn't been a dream-he really had almost died giving his boss a blowjob.

He immediately shut his eyes-not wishing to answer questions or accusations-or anything really.

"ENOUGH! GET OUT! BOTH OF YOU!"

"Touchy, touchy it's only a boy-he's nothin' special-

"SAY ONE MORE WORD ICHIMARU AND I SWEAR YOU WILL FIND OUT THE WHAT THE WRATH OF A PREVIOUSLY BLIND MAN IS LIKE."

What? Tousen-san was previously blind?

How come he never said anything?

Not that it mattered. Ichigo wouldn't have cared either way.

In fact the more he thought about it as he continued to lie in the bed with his eyes shut-the more it seemed to make sense.

Tousen's eye color for example-the irises were a pale lilac and rather than the standard black-the pupils were a deep shade of purple-not exactly something one sees every day.

Still it didn't really matter.

Ichigo was more curious as to the man's behavior-there was so much barely controlled rage in his tone.

If he were to fully wake up would he have to jump out of bed and restrain the man from choking the life out of both Aizen and Gin?

"What is going on in here?"

Rukia?

"Why are you all standing so close to Kurosaki-kun's bed? Did he show any signs of waking up?"

Inoue?

"Ichigooooo you can't die man, wake up!"

Keigo?

"He's not dead you idiot-but he will be if you keep squeezing his neck like that!"

Renji?

Why the hell were so many damn people in his room?

Where was the nurse?

()()()

Starrk wanted to be at the hospital when Ichigo woke up.

But there was still work to be done back at the mansion.

Although he himself had given up all attempts at gardening he appointed himself the role of supervisor-making sure that everything would run smoothly.

His sister Lili had stayed true to her word and found an excellent team of landscapers.

Everything was going to work out in the end just as Lady Rangiku had promised.

()()()

"You know Kurosaki a part of me kind of wishes to put you in another coma."

"Ishida?"

"Why do you always have to get yourself mixed up with the wrong kind of people? Why do constantly insist on being so incredibly stubborn? Do you have any idea how incredibly frustrating it is to set my own wedding date back another month?"

"Wedding?"

"Please do try and keep up Kurosaki, you know how I hate having to repeat myself."

"I made you miss your own wedding?"

"Well not exactly. It was actuality Sado who insisted that we postpone the wedding."

"Chado wanted to postpone the wedding? Your wedding? But why?"

Ishida rolled his eyes. "Never mind why. I'm here to deliver your mail not to play 20 questions."

Ichigo sat up, not really knowing what to say. "I uh-well what happened then? I mean you just sent all of your guests home or-?"

The bespectacled youth did not answer instead he placed a large bag right into Ichigo's lap.

"What's all this?"

Ishida sounded as irritated as ever as he answered, "Gifts from all of your fan boys, seems someone gave them the impression that you were the one who was engaged and that it was your wedding party and that you were the happy bride to be."

"Huh?"

What the hell did Ishida mean by fan boys?

"Shall I tell you the story of my engagement dinner party Kurosaki?"

()()

_**FLASHBACK**_

_Ishida Uryu should have been the happiest bride to be in all of Karakura Town._

_Even though it wasn't his official wedding day but his engagement party-the second most important moment of his life._

_But he wasn't happy-far from it and why?_

_Because apparently he wasn't worthy enough, wasn't pretty enough, wasn't vibrant enough, wasn't clueless enough, the heavens had clearly decided that the bespectacled youth didn't have what it took to be a proper bride to be._

_()()_

"Ishida you don't really have to start a story by telling me your name since I already know who you are-and in third person no le-

"Be quiet Kurosaki! I will tell my story how ever I wish to tell it."

Ichigo let out a sigh and let his friend continue.

()()

"_Inoue-san who are all of these people?" Ishida had asked as he approached the buxom auburn haired girl engaged in conversation with a scowling dark haired male he had never seen before._

_Seemed like a suspicious character what with the scarf covering the bottom half of his face and all._

_Orihime turned and smiled "Oh Ishida-kun I hope you don't mind. I thought it would be nice to invite a few more people-Sado-kun agreed since he said you don't have that many friends outside of our tight circle and-_

_When she saw the way he flinched at the 'friend comment' she cleared her throat and introduced the man next to her "Where are my manners? Ishida-kun I'd like you to meet Tsubaki-san, I've asked him to accompany me tonight and tomorrow as my date. Chizuru introduced us a few nights ago and the bond was instant."_

_Just because Ishida felt irritated did not mean he would deny the princess her own happiness. He put out his hand waiting for 'Tsubaki' to shake it._

_But the man simply grunted and put a possessive arm around his date._

"_Oh don't mind him Ishida-kun, Tsubaki-san is just a little bit shy but he wanted me to tell up that he likes your costume."_

_Ishida's left brow twitched. 'This isn't a costume!'_

()()

Ichigo furrowed his brows "What does any of that have to do with anything Ishida?"

Instead of giving the berry an answer Ishida continued his story…

()()()

_Presents while it wasn't the official wedding day-even Ishida had a hard time refusing gifts._

_After all who could say no to durable household appliances and imported chocolate?_

_Normally Ishida wouldn't dare to let artificial poison (aka sugar) touch his lips but he was a bride to be so he could cheat a little bit._

_As he reached for a tiny box with a light blue ribbon on it a large hand came out of nowhere and smacked him._

_Ishida yelped and turned to glare at whoever had just hit him-the fact that it hadn't been a very hard hit was not the point-no one but Sado was allowed to touch his hand._

_Ishida swallowed when he came face to chest with a 6'7 foot beast with wild hair and an insane grin. The man was dressed in a dark suit and tie (and were those blood splatters along the collar and cuffs?) _

_Ishida froze._

_Yakuza!_

_What the hell was a freakin' Yakuza doing at his engagement party?_

_Ishida was not a coward by any stretch but at the moment he really wished to flee or call for help._

"_You can't touch this box of chocolate with out asking the bride to be first."_

_That guttural rasping growl coming out of the Yakuza's mouth was in no way human-it sent even more chills up Ishida's spine._

_Ishida kicked down fear and glared up at the ruffian scum. _

"_Listen here you Yakuza, either you are at the wrong dinner party or you have your stories mixed up because the only bride to be here is me and I would never invite a criminal to my party."_

_The beast looked completely and utterly baffled by these words. "You mean this isn't Ichigo's engagement party?"_

_()()()_

"Wait a minute! Slow down and back up. Why would any one think I was the bride to be?"

"Perhaps because 9 times out of 10 you act like one, Kurosaki."

Ichigo scowled and fluffed up his pillow before lying back down "Whatever. Just get on with the story."

()()

_Ishida felt like rolling his eyes and snorting all at once but he'd rather not test the patience of angry and possibly unstable Yakuza "I only know of one guy with that name and he is currently hulled up in a hospital bed."_

"_WHAT?" Beady eyes narrowed and the beast demanded that Ishida give him more information "How long has he been there? What happened? Why didn't anyone tell me?"_

_Perhaps it was Ishida's imagination but he could swear the beast of a Yakuza sounded worried._

'_**A worried Yakuza? Now I've seen everything,'**__ dark blues studied the wild man more closely '__**Just what the hell does Kurosaki do during his free time? Why in 6 halos did he get himself involved with Yakuza?'**_

"_Relax already would ya its not like I'm gonna bite you Mr fancy cape just tell me where Ichigo is and if its serious. If he needs blood I will gladly bleed myself dry for him."_

()()()

Er um wow Kenpachi hadn't said a whole lot that day when Ichigo sat down on Nnoitra's couch and frankly he hadn't been quite sure what to make of the man but now that the orange berry was learning what the man had said at Ishida's engagement party he might have to pay Kenpachi a visit.

"What did you tell him after that?"

()()()

_Ishida's curiosity increased ten fold "What is your name?"_

"_I'm Kenpachi, that's all you need to know. The little raven woman told us Ichigo was getting hitched and even though I don't like it-that kid deserves a good life." Beady eyes narrowed once more "Now tell me where he is and when I can drop by for a visit."_

"_Now hold on for just a second Kenpachi-san I can't just give you-_

"_Just Kenpachi. I don't give a damn about that honorific crap."_

_Ishida sighed, "Be that as it may I can not just give out information to a complete stra-_

"_I'm no stranger Ichigo spent an entire after noon with us."_

_Ishida raised a brow but relented "Alright I will give you the address to the hospital Kurosaki currently is staying in and I'll also give you the room number but only if you promise me that you and your men will leave."_

_A grunt, "These ain't my men, you want them gone? Take it up with Jiruga."_

"_Jiruga?"_

"_Bastards' over by the bar sticking his tongue down some broads bra."_

_()()()_

"I'm really sorry that you had to deal with all of that Ishida. If there's any way I can make it up to you just say the word."

Dark blues flashed behind designer lenses "Oh you will Kurosaki."

Ichigo swallowed suddenly regretting his promise. "Listen you're not gonna make me do anything wild and crazy are you?"

Ishida smirked. "No need to worry Kurosaki. When the time to collect comes, you'll know."

"Ishida I-

"On with the story shall we?"

()()()

"_Let me guess this Jiruga person was waiting for Kurosaki as well?"_

_The beast grinned. "Course damn bastard been obsessed with Ichigo the moment he spotted him on his doorstep," dark eyes glittered "Gotta admit even I was lookin' forward to fondling that ass once more-but I guess his lover is such a possessive bastard that he drugged and chained Ichigo to the hospital or something right?"_

"_No! That is not what happ-_

"_Anyway whoever the bastard is-he better treat Ichigo right or I'll chop of all his fingers starting with his pinky and feed em' to my dog and I won't stop there next I'll t-_

"_Kenpachi-san I never sa-_

"_You're a good friend to Ichigo I get that so I'm trusting you to give him all of these," the man motioned the wrapped packages cluttering the long table "Guess you could have a few chocolates but everything else is for him!"_

_()()_

"Ishida no offense but why did you even a-?"

"Kurosaki please do us both a favor stop acting so damn thick headed. Fact is fact: Refusing a Yakuza is suicidal."

"Yeah but-

"Moving on…

()()

_When the beats walked away Ishida let out a sigh and then made his way over to the long and lanky looking Yakuza._

_He was careful to keep his voice even as he tapped the man to get his attention._

_Backing up several inches when vulture like orbs burned holes into him 'Ya better have a damn good reason for touchin' me pencil-dick."_

_Ishida ignored the crude and (incorrect insult) and then in an as pleasant a tone as he could manage told the man "I understand you are looking for Kurosaki Ichigo."_

_A grin-a grin which was 10 times more disturbing then the beasts' grin had been made its way on to the lanky male's face "Seen my pet 'round have ya? Bring him to me!"_

_Ishida raised a curious brow at the pet comment and continued, "I am afraid that is impossible Jiruga-san."_

"_Why the hell not?" Sharp eyes narrowed, "And who the fuck told ya my name?"_

_Ishida swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat once again "I meant no disrespect or to cause trouble but just as I told the burly man with the wild hair, Kurosaki is not here."_

"_Huh? Then where the hell is he?"_

"_In the hospital."_

_A look of surprise flashed over the man's features before the insane grin returned once more-he moved closer to Ishida "What the fuck do ya mean my pets in the hospital?" he hissed right before he hoisted the bespectacled youth up by the shirt of his collar and off the ground._

_Ishida found it difficult to speak as the man's ropy arms tightened around his windpipe_

_()()_

Ichigo flinched and rubbed his own throat before once again offering his friend his apologies.

Ishida waved it off "It did hurt Kurosaki but I'm not exactly made of glass."

"Well don't leave me hanging what happened next? How did you break his hold?"

()()

_Ishida clawed at the man's hand and managed to loosen the hold enough to answer "I'm not sure of the details myself all I know is there was an incident with water. After he went into shock he slipped into a coma but doctors insist that Kurosaki will make a full recovery."_

"_What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Speak clearly ya little-_

"_Un hand my bride."_

_()()_

"Chado? Chado challenged Nnoitra?"

Ishida smiled fondly "Of course he did, Sado loves me."

"I know he does but-

"But what Kurosaki?"

"Well Nnoitra is dangerous-you shouldn't test the temper of a Yakuza."

"Nnoitra as you call him was touching what was not his. Remember what I told you a week ago Kurosaki?"

"You said Chado didn't trust anyone else but me because they might lay their hands on you or something like that."

Ishida rolled his eyes. "The point I am trying to make here is this: Sado might not like bloodshed but when it comes to protecting me he'll throw caution to the wind even if it means putting his own life at risk."

Ichigo's eyes grew wide in horror "You don't mean-what happened to Chado?"

"Those Yakuza scum fractured 6 of his ribs and shattered his left arm. He's in the room next to you, I expect he'll come by and visit you in the next hour or so even though I wish he would rest."

Now Ichigo felt even worse. Not only had he destroyed Ishida's dinner party-he'd gotten the groom-to-be injured.

"Ishida I swear I-

"Forget it Kurosaki. What's done is done." A slight out of character grin made its way on the bespectacled youths face "That Jiruga character didn't exactly escape unscathed."

"And Kenpachi? What happened with-

"He's here every morning around 9. See the flowers sitting by the window sill, his 7 year old niece Yachiru brings fresh every day."

Ichigo frowned "So then Nnoitra never actually cared about me in the first place he just wanted to stir up trou-

"Around noon Jiruga drops a bottle of tequila at Sado's room, they trade stories and discuss the finer points of politics. Then when the 2 o clock rolls around Jiruga makes his way to your room-watches you while you sleep and then pulls out his drawing pad."

Wait! From the sound of things it almost seemed like Nnoitra had made amends.

"So him and Chado are-?"

"Jiruga and Sado have reached a truce of sorts. Jiruga even invited us out to his privately owned ranch next month."

Wow of all the things Ichigo might have imagined-his shaggy haired friend hanging out with a Yakuza was not one of them.

"Kurosaki something else happened on the night of my engagement party."

Ishida's tone turned serious.

Ichigo felt concern rise up once again "What happened?"

"My father showed up."

"Your father?"

"He caught my arm when I was making my way to the staircase leading to the grand ball room. At first I thought he had come there to once again lecture me on 'how I was such a disgrace and embarrassment to both him and the Ishida family blood line. I thought he was going to go inside and start some sort of a riot after he pointed to and insulted all of my guests. But to my surprise he didn't do any of those things."

()()

_Dressed in a lab coat, silky gray hair perfectly combed, eyes as sharp as ever behind designer lenses-he was the same Ishida Ryuken Uryu had known for the past 19 years of his life-only he wasn't-not entirely-_

_Ryuken was wearing a smile and Uryu thought surely the moonlight must surely be playing tricks on him because he had never ever seen the man he called 'father' smile._

_The man's behavior became stranger when he climbed up to the next forward and pulled his son into a hug._

_Uryu was baffled 'Ryuken' was not a man who showed affection-hell the most the man had ever given him was a small pat (barely noticeable) on the shoulder and that had been when Uryu was 7 and won the national spelling B._

_Uryu couldn't help but think that the reason for his fathers' suddenly strange behavior was because the man was dying or something equally dramatic, he never would have guessed the man's real reason for showing up._

_()()_

"It's not so bad I mean maybe your dad just finally realized that even if he doesn't agree with your lifestyle you are still his son, his flesh and blood and he loves you."

"Kurosaki I am not asking you for your opinion. Please, please just listen to my story with out interruptions."

Ichigo threw his arms up in annoyance. "If you don't want my opinion then what the hell do you want? Why are you here? I'm glad your old man stopped being an asshole but I don't see what any of that has to do with me."

"If you'd be quiet for two minutes I will tell you."

"Fine. Whatever."

"Don't say whatever Kurosaki, you sound like an idiot."

And once more Ichigo is reminded of why even though he considers Ishida a friend they will never be that close.

"…"

Silence. Silence. Silence.

"Well?"

"I will continue once you have finished sulking."

"I always look like this Ishida, you don't like it there's the door."

"My you're awfully bitchy this morning Kurosaki."

"Takes one to know one, Cape Princess."

()()

Just because he hadn't visited his orange berry did not mean Ichigo was not in Starrk's thoughts-on the contrary the Coyote had it all planned out…

When Ichigo was finally released he was going to put his grand plan in action…correction of his grand plans.

Starrk had lived long enough to know that having a back up was necessary just incase things didn't work out.

Then again he was determined to pull the first grand plan off so the back up wouldn't even cross his mind again-

Everything in life (such as wooing his intended) was done in steps/stages…

_He was going to pick Ichigo up from the hospital and then instead of heading back to the mansion he was going to drive to one of the last remaining hotsprings left in Karakura Town, where he would bathe and then massage the youth's sore and aching muscles._

_Starrk knew first hand experience that if one was cooped up in a bed for several days their muscles would fall asleep on them after awhile (Ahh sleep-don't lose track now!) _

_Once Ichigo's beautiful cinnamon and coffee browns started to slip close, the Coyote would bundle the berry in his arms and carry his human-heater-to-be back to the lodge he had reserved (borrowed) just for the occasion._

_Courtesy of Lili's latest roommate. The guy said he could have it for awhile so long as he didn't wreck anything._

_Starrk had responded with a lazy smirk and said 'Even if I do, I'll be sure to replace everything.'_

_To which the man had raised a brow before dropping the keys into the palm of Starrk's waiting hand._

_Once they were settled in the lodge and after a light dinner (Starrk firmly believed that heavy meals were better reserved for the early hours in the day) Starrk would ask Ichigo to join him by the slowly burning fire and there…there he would make his confession._

_And what happened next…well that would be up to the orange berry and fate itself._

_In the morning he would take Ichigo out and teach him how to hunt._

"Starrk stop daydreaming and help me figure out how to get this stupid thing to work!"

_()()()_

"It turns out that the reason my father disapproved of my relationship was not what I had been led to believe."

"Then what was it?"

"My father told me that he was in love once."

"Hasn't everyone? I mean how else would he have had you."

Ishida shook his head. "You don't understand Kurosaki, my father wasn't talking about being in love with my mother-well I suppose he loved her to some degree but he wasn't I love with her."

"Uh listen Ishida I'm not sure you want to tell me thi-

"You NEED to hear this now drink your juice and shut up!"

Ichigo felt like laughing. Never in all the time that he's known the raven-haired male has Ishida ever turned so bright red with anger. He wished he had a camera so he could capture it.

And now the dark haired youth was glaring death at him. Ichigo let out a sigh and rubbed the back of his neck. Joke time was over-apparently.

"Sorry for acting like an ass Ishida. So your father was in love with someone else, things didn't work out and he convinced himself that all relationships were destined for failure?"

"That's not quite what he said but look," Ishida trailed off and started gripping at his bangs (once again exhibiting the kind of behavior the orange berry had never seen "This isn't exactly easy for me to say."

"Take all the time you need. I'm not exactly going anywhere although I still don't understand what any of it has to do with me unless…are you trying to tell-is it possible that your father had an affair and my old man found out about it?"

"You're getting warmer."

Ichigo fell silent for another minute as he considered what his friend was trying to tell him "The woman that your father was having an affair with it wasn't my mother was it?" The idea sounded ridiculous even though he had been the one to voice it out loud. "Did you come here to tell me that we might be half brothers or something?"

Despite himself Ichigo started to imagine what being an Ishida would be like-what being Uryu's brother would be like-he tried to imagine calling a tight wad like Ryuken 'old man'-and then a moment later he was laughing so damn hard his eyes started to tear. "My name would have been like Raido or something, we would have had bunk beds and tried to best each other at s-

"KUROSAKI!"

Not that Ichigo would ever admit it if asked later but Ishida actually made him jump that time.

The dark haired male looked like he was going to strangle him any moment-the fact that he only previously woke up from a coma be damned.

"For starters it was a male not a female that my father was in love with, next there wasn't an actual affair because it was one sided, sad one-sided love."

"Okay so your father was in love with another male who didn't love him back and because of this he frowns upon all same sex couplings."

"Yes."

"Okay but that still doesn't explain how my parents have anything unless you don't mean-?

"My father and your father, yes."

Goat face and Ishida's old man? Ichigo fell back on his pillow-not like it mattered much but still it might take awhile for him to adjust to this new bit of information-he didn't understand that either-

'_**Why should it matter Ishida said it was one-sided so-well even if it wasn't who am I judge-still I wonder if Kaa-san knew-not like I can ask her but maybe I can ask-?**_

"Are you-how does it make you feel?"

Ichigo shrugged. He didn't quite have an answer for that yet. "How does it make you feel?"

"I was angry at first but I realized that was unfair so now I'm just taking it like I take every other decision my father has made-it is what it is."

"So is he coming to the wedding?"

"Ah well that's actually-Kurosaki would you hate me if I said that it was no longer necessary for you to give me away on my wedding day because my father said he would do it?"

"Oh I see so I'm suddenly not good enough," Ichigo's voice was teasing once again before he slapped Ishida on the shoulder good naturedly "Of course it's fine, he's your father and that's how it should be. Besides which I already have enough duties as best man."

Ishida let out a sigh of relief and Ichigo once again felt a little bad for teasing the other male so much. Time to change subjects.

"So what does a guy have to do to get some food around here?"

Ishida pushed his glasses up higher on to the bridge of his nose before responding with a cheeky, "That all depends, exactly what kind of food are you in the mood for Kurosaki?"

()()()

24 hours later…

Ichigo couldn't take it any more. He was tiered of sleeping or sitting around doing nothing. In his opinion the doctors and nurses and his friends were overreacting.

So he swallowed a bit to much water along with er something else-so he accidentally cracked the side of his head open when he was being pulled up from out of the water-he had a few stitches but they had long since healed.

"I'm fine. I've always been a fast healer. I think I'm more than ready to get up and go home now."

The ignored his words-his pleas-and when he became annoyed enough his ranting and yelling.

"Come on you're wasting a perfectly good room and bed on a guy who is perfectly fine-bring some one who actually NEEDS to be here."

To which the doctor would tell him to settle down and Rukia would attempt to cheer him up by playing with her puppets-

'_Meet Chappy-sama and Kon-sama.'_

'_Rukia I don't care about any stupid puppets and besides that lion looks perverted.' He pointed an accusing finger at the innocent plush toy and he could swear the damn thing gave him the evil eye._

'_Seriously Rukia put those things away and help me get out of here.'_

_The raven-haired girl shook her head 'No can do Ichigo-I have specific orders from the higher powers that you need to stay right here.'_

_()()()_

Around 5 in the evening heaven sent the angel to come and finally take the orange berry away from the whitewashed hell.

()()()

After a mandatory 16 hour nap…he realized that he would still have to cut it back even more if he ever planned on properly claiming Ichigo for his own but perhaps they could reach a common ground and he could get the young master to see perks of being lazy and sleeping the day away.

In addition he could introduce the orange berry to sleepy sex.

In Starrk's opinion-a man only rushed bedroom bliss when he was

Inexperienced

Had performance Anxiety

Unimaginative

This is not to say that he ruled out rough and wild, fast and spontaneous as a whole (he did not) it was more a matter of preference and partner-

Starrk had long since decided that he would do anything/everything to make Ichigo happy-even if it disrupted his steady pace.

With one sacrifice he would gain a gift in return.

The thought made him grin.

()()

And he was still grinning as he pulled into the illegal parking zone-paying very little attention to angry yelling, flashing sirens and threats that his car would be towed and he would be fined.

()()()

Starrk felt irritated.

Not the same level of irritation he had felt when Lady Rangiku forced him to watch 'the every day life of his would-be-human-heater and his many suitors'-but irritated none the less.

Things were not working out in his favor.

Not at all.

His orange berry was proving to be incredibly stubborn.

First refusing to wear Starrk's jacket when the goateed male had draped it around his shoulders.

Then refusing to let Starrk carry him down the elevator and out towards the car (which was now decorated with bright pink slips)

The youth continued to be difficult when Starrk went to put the key in the ignition-Ichigo had yanked it out and pocketed it-announcing that he would be the one to drive because he did not trust anyone else behind the wheel and he'd really like to know how the man had got possession of his car in the first place.

Starrk had let out a resigned sigh and moved into the passenger seat trying in vain to cheer the scowling berry up-he honestly didn't know why Ichigo was being so bratty and hostile.

Nothing worked.

()()

Things only became twice as frustrating when Starrk tried to give out directions-telling the berry where to drive-Ichigo refused.

"_**Go hiking on your own time! I'm going home."**_ He had snarled right before slamming on the breaks as they reached a red light.

Starrk woud have been concerned if Lady Rangiku and the dreams she had shown him hadn't told him that this might happen-Ichigo's sudden mood changing-the closer it got to the lunar rainbow the more his behavior would switch.

It wouldn't be a long term thing but-

"What? What the hell are you staring at?"

Starrk hadn't been staring at all. Well if he had-he certainly hadn't meant to-he'd honestly been lost in thought.

'_**When Ichigo acts like a crab ass, give him sugar.'**_

He remembered what Ichigo's tattooed redheaded friend had told him when they met a few days ago.

Starrk would have done just that only he didn't have anything sugary on him-

Perhaps he could persuade the berry to drive to a sweet shop or something before they head back to the mansion?

()()

NOT A CHANCE!

()()()

"_I don't want traces of any other men on my dearest nephew except for Coyote Starrk. Do whatever it takes to get rid of that offensive label on Ichigo's behind._

This was the request (order) that Rangiku had given her a little less than 48 hours ago and even though Haineko had been rather reluctant she had eventually given in and performed the task that was required of her.

Now if the stupid hag would hurry and wake up from her drunken snooze fest the pink and red neko goddess could be on her way.

She raised her foot and kicked the snoring human awake.

"I have done what you have requested of me hag and now I take my leave."

Rangiku blinked blurry blues at the goddess "What?"

Haineko glared and kicked the blonde once more "Wake up you dumb hag!"

Rangiku rested her chin in her hand "So its finished? What exactly did you do-how did you get rid of it-it won't leave a scar will it?"

"No it won't leave a scar because I didn't get rid of it," a smirk "I altered it-granted it'll take to the lunar rainbow before its full shape as a howling coyote can be seen but its probably some of my best work to date."

Rangiku raised a brow and then went to fetch her crystal ball. A grin made its way on to her face when she saw it. "Nice job Haineko."

"Whatever."

()()()

As soon as they pulled up to the mansion Ichigo jumped out of the car, raced inside, flew up the stairs and locked himself in his bedroom.

Starrk had half a mind to follow him but opted against it.

He decided he could use the 'berry's sulk time' to go ahead with plan b.

With a happy whistle and a spring in his step the Coyote walked out the door and set off down the street.

()()()

Up in his room Ichigo was having a panic attack or whatever the equivalent of a manly breakdown would be called.

His ass literally felt like it was on fire-a horrible burning that refused to go away no matter what he did.

First he tried a cool wash cloth-pressing it lightly on to the area-it did not help.

Then he filled his private bath tube with ice cubes and carefully sat down hoping it would numb the pain-it seemed to become even worse.

Now he curled up on his side trying to mentally will the pain away because honestly he had no idea why this was even happening-it came out of nowhere.

Ichigo had half a mind to grab the card underneath the paper weight on his desk-ready to call up the bastard responsible-find out just what the hell kind of ink Nnoitra had used to place the brand on his ass and why the bastard hadn't even warned him,

But he opted against it because he honestly didn't feel comfortable discussing such a personal matter with the Yakuza-never mind that the guy had seen his ass before.

Next he considered contacting Kenpachi but then reasoned that would be an incredibly stupid move to make-the wild beast of a man would just misinterpret his call and-yeah Ichigo was so not in the mood to be groped and fondled against his will.

While lying in a coma and then in that damn hospital bed the berry realized something-he was going to wean himself from all relationships based around lust and try to focus on something real-something long term.

And for reasons he couldn't explain (much to his annoyance) he felt that he should direct this new quest of real ness-of long term towards his goateed gardener.

Problem was he kind of fucked that up when he went off on the man for no reason-not that Starrk seemed fazed by Ichigo's wild and unreasonable behavior-hell the man didn't even flinch but still-

Ichigo's train of thought was cut short as the burning intensified again. Another moment of this and he'd go insane!

'_**Focus on anything but the burn**_,' he mentally shouted to himself '_**Anything but the burn!'**_

Shouldn't be too hard.

He simply had to empty his mind and think nice happy thoughts.

Get lost in his own self pleasure.

es he'd done this before-granted under more normal circumstances but sill now was just a good a time as any.

Mind made up Ichigo tugged down his pajama pants and reached for his flaccid organ-quickly bringing it to life with well-practiced strokes.

Yes just like this. All he had to do was keep focused on reaching that highest peak of self paradise-all he had to do was get lost in the satisfying feeling of-

There was a knock on the door-

"Ichigo-sama?"

Ichigo paused in his activities and glared at the door. He hadn't even gotten a good build up yet and already one of his staff members had come to bother him.

A second knock on the door-louder this time.

"Ichigo-sama?"

'_**What?'**_ Ichigo had wished to snap just then._** 'What the hell could you possibly want now? It should be pretty fucking obvious that I don't wish to be disturbed!'**_

He considered ignoring the call-he could do it to-ignore the stupid call and focus on something much more important-

Slipping his fingers in his mouth making them nice and moist-pushing his pants down even further

"Ichigo-sama if something is ailing you I could come in there and give you a hand?"

Had it been anyone but Cirucci Ichigo might have taken up the offer-as it was-

"Thanks but that won't be necessary, go finish your duties or better yet go visit your children-its been about 2 weeks since you've last seen them right?"

"Well that's actually something I wished to talk to you about- a pause "I ran into Shawlong the other night he wants to give it another try, promises he'll make it work this time and the only thing that kept me from saying yes is –another pause – "Are you listening Ichigo-sama?"

"I'm all ears Cirucci. You are a mother and a wife first and far most-even though it will be a shame to let you go, you deserve this chance at happiness."

"You'll miss me? Really?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes knowing that unless the woman had some sort of special skill she had failed to mention she wouldn't be able to see it.

"You've left an impact on this household Cirucci, trust me when I say you will not be forgotten."

He heard a soft sob followed by "Oh Ichigo-sama if only our destinies had intertwined-we could have met, fallen in love and you would have made me the happiest wife on earth."

"Would ya shut up and just go already? How the hell can anyone miss your ass when you're still here."

Ichigo felt like laughing. That was Kazeshini-never bothered to censor himself.

"Shut up you perverted two-toned sadist I've known Ichigo-sama a lot longer than you and so I am saying goodbye."

"Knock it off you two, the young master is still recovering with his mere brush with death and listening to you two bicker probably isn't helping the healing process."

"Nemu-san you know that my 5 star chili will make Ichigo feel better than a week of rest ever could."

"Then instead of standing in the hallway arguing with Cirucci why don't you go down to the kitchen cook this grand chili of yours?"

Ichigo didn't have much of an appetite but he never could turn down his personal chef's cooking. "I'd like that Kaze, thanks."

"What can I do to help speed up your recovery process Ichigo-sama? A back massage or a foot rub perhaps?"

"You will do no such thing, let the young master rest."

"But Nemu-san," Circucci began to protest-

"Follow me child, I'll help you pack."

Ichigo listened for the sound of footsteps to fade away, let a few minutes pass and then reached for the small tube of lubricant he kept in his sock drawer…

()()

"GOOD BYE ICHIGO-SAMA I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!"

Ichigo winced wishing the woman would realize that it wasn't necessary to screech when the walls were practically paper thin.

"Take care Cirucci."

()()()

The hour of the reveal was fast approaching but because his trip to the lodge hadn't worked out Starrk had to run with plan B.

And with the help of Kaze, Nemu, Lili and Lili's drama mates, the group had turned the garden into wonderland of sorts.

But as with all things he wished to add a few finishing touches before declaring it ready for viewing.

Starrk originally wished to use candles but then Lilinette pointed out that too many may start a fire so he opted for lanterns instead.

Kaze had offered to cook a meal just for the occasion but Starrk had decided that he wanted to cook for the berry-only he couldn't cook to save his life so the next best thing-he purchased 3 electric fondue pots and bought the necessary ingredients to go along with loaves of French bread.

Currently he was standing in line with a cart full of groceries while periodically glancing down at his watch.

Tempted to abandon his gentlemanly like ways just once and push his way past the pregnant mothers and they're screaming toddlers.

It wouldn't matter if the owner of _**Hyorinmaru **_didn't insist on closing shop at 6 o' clock on the dot-even though Starrk had made his custom order in advance-even though Starrk had explained just how important having the carved ice sculptures would be.

The young owner did not care and told the Coyote that he would be '_shit out of luck if he didn't hurry his ass up and come over and pick up his order!'_

()()()

_**He was running through the forest-only he was on all fours just like an animal-the afternoon sunlight peaking through the trees felt warm on his skin.**_

_**And then Ichigo heard a howl in the distance and ran towards it.**_

_**Not quite sure what he would find but convinced him self that what ever lie ahead would not bring harm to him.**_

_**()()**_

_**It seemed the more he ran the further and further away he would get from where he needed to be-his body felt heavy and unbalanced almost as if some unknown and unseen force was trying to hold him back from that howl-not just any howl but a mating howl.**_

_**How Ichigo knew this he couldn't say but then again dreams hardly if ever made any damn sense.**_

_**()()**_

_**A tower-a massive 12 story tower stood in his way but he did not care his mate was waiting for him at the top and so he would climb-thinking he'd have a much easier time since he was now an animal and now-as if to mock him-Ichigo was suddenly back on two feet and staring helplessly up at the tower.**_

_**The howls grew louder-sending a chill throughout him-not a cry of pain but one of longing.**_

_**Not giving a damn if the elements and his human nature were against him Ichigo was determined to climb and reach the top at all costs.**_

_**()()()**_

_**There was a voice barely above a whisper-Ichigo turned, brown eyes widening in surprise and then brief recognition (although he couldn't explain the later of two) as a bluish-white orb came towards him. It hovered for a few minutes before going straight into his abdomen-**_

_**()()**_

_**A light flashed and now he was falling, falling, falling through a sea of puffy white clouds-and then clouds turned into a mattress-pure white mattress-he moved to sit up and winced at the small puddle of crimson between his thighs-knowing damn well that he had not sat on a tomato!**_

_**()()**_

There was a tap, tap sound on the window pulling Ichigo from his nap. Strange he didn't even recall falling asleep-figured it must have happened somewhere in between saying goodbye to his shameless maid and riding his own fingers.

The white substance was now dry. Ichigo examined it for a minute, shrugged and then licked it off.

Deciding he still preferred the taste of another man's cum over his own.

A cool brush of air blew in and Ichigo remembered the window-he looked around wondering who or what had tapped on his window.

And then he spotted a black feline.

"Don't mind me, pretend I'm not here."

Correction-a talking black feline.

Ichigo heard about this kind of thing a time or two while growing up but he never quite believed-

The feline was smirking at him- "Hmm, not bad."

Remembering his nearly naked state Ichigo pulled up his pants and glared at the creature. "Who are you and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

"I am Yoruichi from the land of tea and in a few hours you will be given a special gift that only one other has ever experienced. It is my wish that you fully embrace it without hesitation."

What the hell was this cat talking about? What gift?

"5 and a half months-you will see me again in 5 and a half months," a light smirk "Though you may not recognize me right away."

"What are you talking about it?"

"It will all make sense when the hour approaches, Ichigo."

"Wait! How do you know my name? Who are you really? How the hell can I suddenly understand cats anyway?"

Youruichi did not answer, simply climbed back on the window sill and left.

Ichigo frowned not understanding why strange things always had to keep happening to him-like that damn dream-this time instead of being stuck in the middle of a blizzard and trying to reach an impossible mountain-he had been stuck somewhere in the wild trying to reach a tower-something about mating calls and-

He wracked his brain trying to make sense out of nonsense.

What the hell did the crimson spot on the pure white mattress have to do with anything anyway?

He slid of the bed and made his way to the bathroom concluding that he was just a weird guy and would always be weird.

Some things were simply unexplainable.

()()()

Starrk almost felt guilty for stepping into Ichigo's room with out permission but at the same time the sight of seeing the orange haired youth with a calm expression on his face as he strummed some nameless song on his guitar made the moment worth it.

He gave a light tap on to door when it seemed like the orange berry hadn't noticed his arrival.

()()

Ichigo jerked in surprise and then set his guitar to the side and asked "How did you get in here when the door was locked?"

"That night when you nursed me back to health I came across this spare key, imagine my delight when I discovered it opened your door."

Ichigo rubbed the back of his neck-not quite sure what to say to the man. He had been unbelievably rude to Starrk just a short while ago and should knew he apologize-

The more he thought on it the more he reasoned that simply saying he was sorry wasn't enough-he should show Starrk how sorry he was.

To hell with the rules!

The Coyote was here in his room looking incredibly delicious in his two piece suit (a nice change from the bucket hat and overall routine) and really what other reason did Ichigo need?

As if to further encourage his desire-Ichigo's ass started to burn again-deciding he did not want a repeat performance he pulled the man the rest of the way inside, slammed the door shut and pounced!

()()

Starrk wasn't entirely to surprised when his orange berry pounced-he had seen the youth exhibiting similar behavior through the eyes of Lady Rangiku's magical globe and although he was more than excited to have such enthusiastic energy directed at him-he had to discuss some things with Ichigo before they could proceed to such activities.

It was proving to be rather difficult to follow along with his game plan when Ichigo was rubbing up against him in such a shameless and sexy manner-tugging at his clothes-anxious to remove the material and touch bare skin.

Starrk was but a simple man and at the end of the day just like any other man he had basic needs/desires and if he wasn't careful he might lose both his focus and control.

Not even a cool, calm and collected gentleman such as himself could resist the berry's questing fingers and tongue for long-Starrk did not bother to muffle the moan when the youth licked and nibbled along his jaw line, chin and collar bone.

Yes it would be easy to abandon all thoughts of what he should do vs what he wished to do but in the end Starrk knew that he could not rest easy with the berry's in his arms when there was still secrets between them.

"Ichigo."

Ichigo stilled his questing fingers and tongue-brown eyes met gray "Save whatever it is you wish to tell me for later. Right now the only thing I want-the only thing I NEED is this!"

Well its not like he didn't try.

Starrk was not foolish enough to fight a losing battle and so he let the berry have his fun-for a little while.

()()

"Touch me!"

There was quite a few ways Starrk could respond to Ichigo's obvious plea.

He could A) Comply B) Tease but not actually deliver C) Tell the youth to touch himself D) Silence the boy's pleas with his own lips

()()()

If Rangiku truly wanted to take control she could turn her aggressive passionate uke-licious nephew into a shy and passive playmate but Ichigo wouldn't be Ichigo-wouldn't attract a man like Starrk if he suddenly turned shy and passive.

Still…perhaps some day somewhere down the line she could poke and prod at the youth's mind-show him that he could get just as much pleasure and satisfaction by simply letting his mate take the reigns.

Rangiku had learned her lesson-she wouldn't make the same mistake with Coyote Starrk-she would play it smooth, just scratching lightly at the very edge of the man's brain-bringing the wolf to the surface much more quickly than if she had left the man to play the game his own way.

It was kind of like playing with puppets-only better.

But as she went to make her move she felt a strong and power energy pushing-nearly knocking her flat on her ass-not entirely surprised that the Coyote was fighting her magic.

Ordering her not to interfere.

A light smile made its way on to Rangiku's face-it was for this very reason and many others that fate, destiny and she herself had concluded that the Coyote was good for her dearest nephew.

And so she would leave the couple be-let them set their own pace.

()()()

Ichigo didn't really know what was going on. First the goateed male was barely touching his lips and then a few minutes-no less than that-seconds later-Starrk was sucking on his lips so hard it was sure to leave one hell of a bruise and the man's hands which had previously been drawing lazy designs on Ichigo's back had suddenly taken hold of both his butt cheeks and started a game of patty cake-then a few moments later…

Well Ichigo didn't know how he had wound up with his face near the man's balls-not that he had any complaints not in the least but as he went to dive in for a sample-just a little appetizer he was flipped on his back-it happen so damn fast that he almost fell off the damn bed.

It was strange-all over the place-but still he had no complaints-

How could he when the Coyote was grinning at him, gray eyes sparkling?

"We can continue to roll around all night if you want to Ichigo or you can listen to what I have to say and we can do a lot more than simply rolling around. Your choice?"

Ichigo felt annoyed. Why the hell was the man stalling? He glared at the man wishing to shout _**'What the hell will it take for you to hurry up and just fuck me?'**_

Truthfully Ichigo knew he had no one but himself to blame. He had had plenty of opportunities-plenty of suitors to take care of his primal needs.

He had held back-not because they were not necessarily worthy-not because he was old fashioned at heart and wished to save himself-no the reason Ichigo had never raced towards the grand slam was fear.

Fear that not only would he not find any pleasure in the act itself (although that was a large chunk of his hesitation) but also fear that he would just be lousy in the official mating game-what if he was so horrible that no other man wished to ever look his way again?

He truly would wind up old and wrinkly and only his albino cat would pity him-then eventually one day Shiro would pass away and Ichigo would be all alone in his misery

"Are you hungry Ichigo?"

What the hell kind of question was that? And wait where the hell did Starrk think he was going?

Ichigo glared at the man who had apparently decided to put his clothes back on while he'd been briefly lost in thought.

His ass throbbed reminded Ichigo that he still had a problem-that he could not be separated from the Coyote.

"Who said you could leave?"

"I am not leaving Ichigo I am going down to dinner and I'm hoping you'll join me."

"That all depends," Ichigo lowered his voice to a purr as he advanced on his gardener "What's on the menu?"

Starrk's tone was playful and teasing as he responded with "Why don't you take my hand and find out?"

()()()

"Kaze are you certain that the young master will not see us from up here?" Nemu asked as she continued to follow the chef up into the tree tops. It wasn't in her nature to spy but she had to admit she was rather curious to see Ichigo's reaction to the garden.

An in addition a small part of Nemu (known as the inner closet fangirl) was craving some skin on skin action.

Granted she knew it would be awhile before such actions took place-at the moment the couple to be was sitting down to dinner.

"Trust me when I say this Nemu-san this spot is practically like an opera box, you can see everything."

()()()

Ichigo had only had fondue one time in his life-he'd been 12 years old-

_His moronic father offered to do the grocery shopping and returned home with nothing but 20 blocks of cheese and 5 loaves of bread. He and his sister Karin had called the man an idiot, his other sister Yuzu had frowned while his mother-ah his mother had simply smiled and said "Whose up for fondue?"_

It wasn't a very exciting memory-yet it was one of Ichigo's favorites-then again every memory featuring his late mother was precious to the orange berry-not that he didn't mourn the loss of his father as well but they had never been as close.

Still..he had never shared the story with anyone and so he wondered how Starrk could have know-then again it could simply be a coincidence-the man might simply enjoy fondue.

The light smile on the Coyote's lips said otherwise.

'_He's just full of surprises.'_

Ichigo did enjoy surprises just as much as the next person…well most of the time anyway.

He reached for a piece of bread (ignoring the Coyote's raised eyebrow followed by a frown) and took a bite moaning around the warm and fresh dough.

Just because the man had put their activities on pause did not stop Ichigo from pulling out the seductive temptress card-

()()()

Starrk was no fool.

He knew exactly what Ichigo was trying to do and up until this very moment in time if anyone had ever come along and asked him before 'if simply breaking off a piece of bread and then eating it could be considered sexy' he would have laughed because the very idea sounded ridiculous but now…now he wasn't so sure-

Enough!

He had to put a stop to this.

Chuckling lightly when the youth let out an indignant squawk as he handcuffed him to the chair.

"It pleases me that you are anxious to eat however since I am the one who is preparing the meal I will be the one to feed you."

Ichigo glowered at him and Starrk let loose another light chuckle "We will also take this time to talk."

The orange berry seemed to consider his words for a moment or two

And then a devilish smirk "Strip while you finish preparing the meal and I'll consider it."

"Ichigo there will be plenty of time to frolick later. Right now I want to take this time to explain some things to you."

Brown eyes rolled "For the love of-look I apologize for acting like an ass earlier but I'm more than happy to make it up to you-if you'll let me?"

Starrk sighed. "Listen you barely even know me."

Ichigo grinned "You're sexy and single what else do I need to know?"

"Well for starters I'm not who you think I am."

()()()

Ichigo savored the sautéed beef on his tongue-enjoying its flavor before chewing, swallowing before excepting the slightly buttery bread dipped in a light cheese as he processed everything that his 'gardener' had just told him.

In all honesty it didn't faze him much…though he was admittedly disappointed.

"I'm not angry but I do wish you would have told me sooner because I really would like to find someone who can finish my mother's garden."

"Ichigo I-

"I know it seems rather pointless I mean the woman is dead and never coming back. I should probably just have it paved over with cement and call it a day-

"Ichigo if you-

"But at the same time when I stand in the garden and shut my eyes I swear I can almost hear her voice, can almost see her radiant smile outshining the sun, it feels like s-

"Ichigo I'm trying to tell you s-

"She was too damn young to die. They both were but I'm a little angry with goat face-I mean he was always such a reckless idiot and-

"Ichigo just stop kicking yourself over and over and listen to me!"

Ichigo flinched and then cursed himself.

What the hell was wrong with him-letting his emotions go out of whack-it was so not sexy to show Starrk this side of himself-Ichigo hated this side of himself-the one where he felt like a helpless young boy all over again-the one where he-

"All is not lost. Even though I mislead you I always keep my promises."

Ichigo looked up to find the man down on his knees moving to unlock the cuffs, rubbing the slightly reddened skin with slightly callused but gentle thumbs.

Once again Starrk was offering him that light smile and Ichigo fell just a little harder.

In the back of his mind or the front (whichever) he knew there was no logic in the extreme desire and need he seemed to suddenly feel for the Coyote-but sometimes life just went that way.

"We'll return for the dessert of course but for now I'd like you to follow me outside so I can show you the garden."

()()()

There wasn't a single spot in the yard that hadn't been covered with flowers or plants of some sort.

90 percent of the flowers were roses-red and white just like the paper lanterns, which had been strung up by thin cords overhead lighting up the garden.

In place of the twin fountains there now stood a large one in the very center-images of Greek gods and goddesses carved into the fine stone.

The bushes, which at one time had been wild and overgrown were tamed and trimmed-cut to look like musical instruments-the precision and skill that went into such designs was something to be admired.

The dying Sakura tree which had hung low and cast a dark shadow and a feeling of loss and depression had been ripped out of the ground and in its place-a glittery golden bird cage-multiple tiny ice sculptures carved to look like doves placed inside.

"Of course we didn't buy any actual birds because no one was sure if you even liked birds in the first place, plus I don't think walking into a garden decorated in bird dew is exactly romantic."

Ichigo wasn't sure what to say. It might not be exactly how he or his late mother had envisioned the garden but it was beautiful all the same.

He looked up to the sky as if waiting for some time of verbal approval-even though he knew such a thing was impossible-the way a single star twinkled in early night sky just then was all the answer he needed.

He could tell that a lot of hard work, thought and effort went into this project.

How could he not like it?

Still the loss of a dying tree was sad-as if sensing his inner thoughts the Coyote surprised the orange berry just then by "My sister being the crafty gal that she is managed to save some of the petals," Starrk produced a crown of bright pink flowers and then placed it Ichigo's head. "It suits you."

Ichigo grumbled "I'm not a woman damn you!" yet made no move to remove the crown.

Once again saying thank you didn't seem like nearly enough-

"Why did you-I mean you didn't have to do all of this just to keep up with the facade-not that I don't appreciate it because I do but-?

"Because you are worth it,"

Starrk cupped Ichigo's face lightly tilting his chin up "That is all the reason I need." And then finalized his words with a kiss-a kiss far superior to all other kisses the orange berry had ever experienced.

()()()

Kazeshini nudged the woman still asleep on his shoulder awake.

Nemu wiped the side of her mouth and then narrowed her eyes at the young chef demanding to know why he had chosen such a method to wake her up

"I'd say sorry but we both know I wouldn't really mean it anyway and besides I have a good reason-

At the woman's raised brow he continued with a grin "It's starting."

()()

Pouncing hadn't worked. Pleading hadn't worked. No matter how much Ichigo had thrown himself at Starrk-no matter how much he had rubbed up against the man-the Coyote kept his slow and steady pace.

Ichigo felt somewhat irritated and impatient-he wanted to feel Starrk's bare skin against his own-it just didn't seem fair that only one of them seemed anxious to get on with the road towards bliss.

Was Starrk really content with just lying in the grass doing nothing? Shouldn't they be taking advantage of such a lovely night-it was rare that mid November was so warm.

Light smile playing on his butter-cream tinted lips, gray eyes dancing-the message was loud and clear 'My script, my rules'

Ichigo glared.

At this rate they'd never get anywhere.

"You need to be more patient Ichigo-you should never rush a good thing." The man started playing with the crown of flowers, which had miraculously remained on top of his head before playing with his hair-marveling at the bright orange color-a somewhat childish sort of awe on his face.

"It's not that fascinating," Ichigo grumbled lightly and then let out a squeak of surprise when Starrk slapped his throbbing behind and rolled their positions again.

()()

Brown eyes flashed "You!"

Starrk's light smile turned into half grin "Me." And then he rested his head on the orange berry's chest while he let his fingers dance, mapping dips and curves, loving the warmth that seemed to radiate off the soft peach toned flesh all the while keeping Ichigo trapped under his weight.

Loving the slight intake of breath when he let his hands ghost along the waistband of the boys' pajama pants-pulling the material just slightly letting Ichigo know that 'yes they were gradually making their way towards the main event'

He would never let the youth out of his sight after this night and if somewhere down the line Ichigo grew tiered of him he still would not let the orange berry go-he would do a lot more than simply handcuff or pin Ichigo down if he had to.

And after this night he would never again let another person touch or even look at his human heater.

Starrk raised his head and removed some of the pressure but did not let the berry leave his arms as he continued to gaze down at him.

()()()

Ichigo honestly hadn't thought it was possible for someone to look at him with such a loving expression-it kind of baffled him-what could have happened between that first day and now that would convince the Coyote-his thoughts scattered to the western winds as said Coyote captured his lips once more, a soft and gentle yet firm claim was being made here.

Making Ichigo feel dizzy and breathless all at once-soaring to even greater heights when at freakin' last he felt the man's arousal pressing against him not that it wasn't there before it was just well…one thing was for sure in the future he'd have to teach the Coyote to stop doing everything at such a leisurely pace.

()()

Starrk had held back for long enough, achieving his goal in making Ichigo realize that pleasure could be obtained through soft, sensual and barely there teasing.

He wanted the berry to crave every inch of him-wanted the youth to burn and yearn for him-

Loving the expression on the boys' face watching as it changed when he palmed the arousal through silky pajamas-delighting in the way Ichigo arched up into his touch-silently begging for more.

Starrk slipped his hand into Ichigo's pants pumping the weeping flesh and then stopping when he could sense that the youth was very close to a climax-continuing his journey downwards rolling twin jewels between skilled fingers finding great delight in the way the youth was now panting harshly in his ear, orange lashes fluttering, cheeks flushed-

()()

The Coyote had come close-extremely close-Ichigo had nearly lost himself entirely-was only mere minutes away from submitting completely

But where would be the fun in that?

Starrk wasn't the only one who should be able play. Ichigo wanted to play too.

Smacking Starrk's hand away, Ichigo shifted and squirmed in just enough so he could reach his intended destination-wasting no time in palming the Coyote through the fabric-he reached in and pulled out the large organ curling his hand around it loving the way it pulsed around his fingers-so smooth and delicious-he might regret it in the morning (straining the muscles in his neck from such an odd angle) but the desire to wrap his mouth around Starrk's cock had started up all over again-and this time he would not be denied!

()()()

Starrk decided that he would let Ichigo do as he pleased-concluded that it would be an ideal distraction for what he was about to attempt-the orange berry would be focused on servicing him so he could use the opportunity bring out his new friend-the orb-the fox woman had said it would not be harmful, quite the opposite-not that Starrk wasn't confident with his own abilities (because he was) but it was always nice to have a little extra boost-enhancer the woman had called it-

()()()

Now more than ever Kazeshini wished he could jump out of the tree and join in the activities. It looked like the young master and the Coyote were having a lot of fun down there. He was most curious to find out just how flexible Ichigo was-bent at such an odd angle suggested that he either had a hell of a lot of practice or was double jointed.

And that orb in the Coyotes hand the young chef was most curious to find out A where it had come from (though he had a few guesses) and B if it really had changed shape or were his pale eyes playing tricks on him.

Next to him Nemu san hadn't breathed a word just let her little digital camera do all the talking-perhaps if he asked nicely she'd be willing to give him copies.

They weren't going to watch the whole act-just a large chunk of it-

()()

Somewhere in between the moment where the man was worshiping his inner thighs and he had been orally pleasing the Coyote, Ichigo had given up all attempts at keeping the artwork on his ass a secret.

The Coyote had pushed the berry's legs so damn high up that Ichigo could practically smell his own behind (which thankfully was a subtle peachy floral scent and not a rancid funky one)

Starrk seemed almost anxious to gain access to his behind after briefly commenting on his brand (which thankfully tickled more than throbbed at this moment)

It was an interesting sensation-tongue teasing his sacred hole-not only for easier entry but for pleasure-it made Ichigo smile even if the angle it self was a little sttange even for his own outlandish tastes-over and over Starrk was showing that he cared-taking the time to prep him-taking the time to let him get familiar with one step before shifting into another-

Ichigo had done quite a bit of experimenting with his own body during the stages of his teenage life but pleasuring his own anus had seemed too weird so he never ventured back there unless he was wiping himself-

Now though as the Coyote feasted on his behind he decided that he might have to pay it more attention in the future-

His thoughts momentarily drifted yet again when he noticed the strangely familiar white-blue orb and then blinked when it changed shape-

It wasn't exactly rocket science-sex toys were pretty standard though he wondered when the Coyote had even pulled it out in the first place-wondered why he hadn't noticed it-wasn't like either one of them had been wearing baggy clothes before they stripped down-

Ichigo decided it really didn't matter-the orb or the toy or whatever was now inside him and he felt well not uncomfortable exactly but sort of-it was a difficult sensation to describe-kind of like a suction type of feel massaging his anal walls-loosening the muscles which naturally wanted to clamp up-

Starrk was saying something to him but it sounded like nothing but gibberish at the moment-

()()()

It dissolved-the orb had actually dissolved-Starrk looked his orange berry over-checking for any signs of discomfort or pain but all he found on Ichigo's face was curiosity, surprise and then pleasure-

He almost felt an unnatural jealously surge over him-to think that some mystical orb designed by shameless gypsies could extract such a sound from his human heater-the Coyote took it as a challenge!

Starrk was now determined more than ever to bring Ichigo to the edge and beyond and back again-a howl (which he would definitely deny later) curled up in his throat before making its way out as he gripped the berry's toned and silky thighs with his hands and then thrust in deep enough to where he himself nearly blacked out-

()()()

Rangiku giggled. Glad that Coyote had finally released himself from his damn cage!

Seemed even dear Starrk had a breaking point.

Competing with a mystical shapeshifting orb, which was so much more than she had let it on to be-ah the next 24 hours would prove to be very interesting indeed.

()()()

But Starrk was no amateur he simply had to calm himself and then he could focus "Are you okay Ichigo?"

Really he should have asked the orange berry this question before he thrust forward but he could hardly think straight when that damn orb had made the youth moan so wantonly.

He could hear the wince as Ichigo responded with, "I'll be fine but I'd appreciate not having to continue in this awkward position, it's starting to give me spasms.

Spasms? Well there was absolutely nothing romantic about that.

If Starrk had been the type of man to mentally smack himself he would have done so just then but he wasn't the type so instead he released some of his hold on the berry and carefully pulled out.

Ichigo glared at him "Bastard what did you do that for?"

"You said –

A snort "What you couldn't change positions and remain buried inside me at the same time?"

Actually Starrk could have done just that but-

"You have streaks running down your face-granted they are now dry but I feel terrible for even putting you in such agony-that was not supposed t-

()()

Ichigo raised his foot and kicked the man in the rear, laughing when Starrk stumbled slightly and fell into one of the bushes-a moment later he helped the Coyote stand back up.

"It's not funny I really hurt you a few minutes ago."

"Well yeah but that's to be expected when you're trying to have sex with a virgin and all," the berry rubbed the back of his neck and then frowned when he noticed that Starrk was still looking at him with such a guilty expression.

It was ridiculous.

"Stop beating yourself up-it was one minor error get back over here and show me what you can really do!"

Starrk pulled Ichigo into a hug and murmured, "I'll go slower this time" in his ear.

Ichigo felt like rolling his eyes. He had had quite enough slowness to last him a lifetime and then some. "I've got a better idea."

()()()

They really would have to learn to compromise.

Ichigo insisted on doing things at his own pace and Starrk had no problems with this but he in turn would like to do things at his own pace as well.

Technically the Coyote shouldn't be complaining at all-rather he should be lost on the ship to paradise since the berry was fulfilling one of his earlier fantasies by riding him-he had to admit he did love the feel of strong thighs gripping him tightly-loved the way vibrant orange locks were plastered to the youth's head-loved how not just Ichigo's cheeks but his entire body had turned a rosy pink-

Still he wished the youth wasn't in such a hurry-a whole night awaited them so they should savor the first round-focus on not only getting lost in the pleasure but learning each other's bodies, likes and dislikes and-

And Starrk's brain went a bit foggy when Ichigo arched his back at such a beautiful angle just then-the only thing he desired was to capture peachy-caramel cream nubs and so he reached up and did just that.

()()()

Ichigo wasn't so far gone in the pleasurable sensations yet that he hadn't noticed the man's annoyance-it made him laugh-he decided that Starrk's frown was just too damn adorable for words-once again being reminded of a puppy-

A puppy that would not get his way-at least not yet.

Ichigo was not selfish by any stretch-to be honest he was a bit impressed that the Coyote hadn't protested more-yet another thing to love about the man-didn't seem to mind (well not taking orders exactly) more like Starrk didn't seem to mind that Ichigo had basically taken control-controlled the pace-the angle and everything in between-

It was a nice refreshing change-being with a grade A alpha male who wasn't so caught up on power-a passive alpha that's what Starrk would be called…a fine contrast to an aggressive beta like Ichigo.

Not that that was all there was-oh no not even close-Ichigo had a feeling that when the time came Starrk would be aggressive as any other he had ever come across-if not more so.

And the thought both excited and frightened him-would he be able to handle a Coyote who didn't hold back?

At the end of a day Ichigo was a Kurosaki and that meant he was always up for a challenge.

And if the way gray eyes had nearly turned black just then he'd say the challenge was just around the corner-

But was it really necessary to start by attacking his nipples?

For an entirely different reason this time Ichigo felt like rolling his eyes.

"Is it really necessary to suck on my chest? Its not like milk will come out of them."

Starrk grinned up at him "They remind me of candy."

At Ichigo's raised brow the Coyote elaborated "When I was a young boy I used to go to this little candy shop in the next town over-peach caramel cream candy drops-I was so disappointed when my favorites were discontinued. The color and the shape of your n-

"Okay, enough I get it-just be careful okay they've always been overly sensitive and even more so lately."

Gray eyes flashed "How sensitive? If I were to say nibble on-"

Ichigo's cheeks bloomed with hot fire "Try it and you're dead!"

()()()

Kazeshini snickered from his spot up in the tree.

Okay so he had stuck around til the very end-well at least the first round-sue him!

It's not like any one but Nemu-san knew he was up here and she was currently too preoccupied with trying to clot her bloody nose-seemed the true act of mating had been too much for the poor woman to take-in fact watching the young master ride the coyote all the way until the wee hours of the morning had made Nemu speechless.

Kazeshini was surprised she hadn't fainted-she looked like she was going to for a while there.

He snickered again.

Little red riding hood and the big bad wolf indeed!

()()()

The sun felt warm on his skin. Cinnamon and coffee colored eyes fluttered open and Ichigo moved to stretch but found it quite impossible with a certain Coyote's iron tight hold around him.

He couldn't recall when he had turned over on his side or even when Starrk hadn't apparently thought it a good idea to spoon him from behind but Ichigo supposed he couldn't really complain.

The man was better than any damn blanket he'd ever owned-still they couldn't remain out here in the garden naked as the day they were born.

And speaking of naked Ichigo didn't know why he hadn't noticed it right away but something about his body felt different-

He scrunched up his nose-this was beginning to feel too much like that damn dream he kept having over and over only worse-much worse!

He willed himself to relax-sort things out-the fact that he had apparently sprouted female parts over night was no big-WTF?

Completely forgetting all about not waking the man holding him Ichigo bolted up right as it officially dawned on him.

The dreams-the nightmare had become reality.

The question now was why?

And how?

And when could he switch back? He would be able to switch back right? He wouldn't really be stuck as a chick forever would he?

Being forced to cross dress was one thing-but permanently?

He had no desire to-

Ichigo started to hyperventilate.

Really how could this have happened?

A spell or…or was this part of his curse…along with having a blackened soul was he really destined to become a woman?

Is that why Ulquiorra had made those comments to him? Is that why the talking cat had come to him? Is that the real reason so many alpha males sought him out-because they had some how known that he would be a woman one day?

Ichigo felt like crying but knew that would only make him feel worse.

He should scream-yes because screaming is what men do and-

Wait if he tried to scream now not only would he wake the snoozing Coyote he'd only feel worse about himself when he heard a high pitched cry echo out into the air.

He fell back on to the grass desperately wishing, pleading to wake up from this realistic seeming nightmare hoping that when he shut his eyes and looked down again he'd find a penis instead of a vagina but nothing changed. And was that blood?

Granted it wasn't a lot but still-Ichigo wanted to curl up under a rock well not die exactly since he was too young for that but-

He heard a yawn followed by a low voice next to his ear "Morning"-Then he felt a hand on his ass "You make a lovely woman Ichigo but I've got to ask does this normally happen after you've had sex with some one?"

Ichigo whirled around and glared at the man-concluding it had to have been Starrk's fault-Starrk and that damn toy or whatever-yes that was it!

He wanted to punch the man and call him a bastard but every muscle and bone in his body ached at the moment even his fingertips and-

"You did this! Switch me back now!"

Ichigo cringed-even though his voice hadn't come out in a high pitched shrill-more of sexy smokers voice it was so not him!

DAMN IT ALL!

Starrk smiled at him and dared to reach out and touch of a lock of his hair-twirling it around a finger-before shifting forward to bury his nose in ridiculously long mane.

A moment later the man came up for air, gray eyes twinkling "I bet you'd look very pretty with a French braid Ichigo."

Ichigo saw red-to hell with the pain he felt all over he was going to kill the Coyote-how dare the man find this situation funny-how dare he!

()()()

Not that Starrk would admit it out loud but he was in no real hurry to have his orange berry back since this was still Ichigo but with a few additional curves and other subtle changes-longer hair and lashes-fuller set of peach tinted lips-and of course the candies themselves had taken on more of a reddish tone-and they were twice as perky practically waving at him-

As if he could ignore such lovelies

()()

Well this was an unexpected turn of events-Kazeshini cocked his head to the side-

He hadn't bedded a woman in hell 3 years-hadn't salivated over a woman in 2-hadn't felt his loins burn with desire to have her as his own like he was at this very moment.

Ah but then he had to remind himself that was not a woman at all but Ichigo-

The young master had been turned into a woman-he wouldn't be surprised if the blonde gypsy didn't have something to do with this.

A grin made its way onto Kazeshini's face when the strawberry smacked the Coyote after he had had the audacity to go and bury his face in 'her' chest!

()()()

Ichigo stomped back into the house wearing extra layers (he had thrown the Coyote's clothes over his own) because the last thing he wanted to deal with right now was questions and comments about his new appearance.

He made his way into the kitchen deciding he was not going to let the chocolate fondue go to waste.

As he bit into an orange dipped in chocolate an image of a bubbly ginger champagne blonde with powder blues came to mind-reminding him that he needed to see Aunt Rangiku anyways-maybe just maybe she'd have some answers to his questions.

()()()

"Ichigo my favorite nephew it has been too long since we've last spoken. How are things?"

Ichigo glared at the tipsy gypsy then pushed his way into the house-Starrk only a few steps behind.

Rangiku played with the gem around her neck and waited for what was sure to be an epic outburst.

()()

"First of all what it is up with all of the crazy dreams I've been having lately and-no wait scratch that let's start over at the very beginning. Why did you tell Starrk to pose as a gardener before he came to see me? If we're suppose to be destined soulmates/lovers then making him go through that stupid trial session was completely pointless-While I'm on it why did you lie to him? You know damn well that I had close connections with other men-know damn well that I was crushing on my boss for sometime now and speaking of my boss-How dare you try and tarnish his good name and character like that!

"Ichigo you have to understand about th-

"I'm not finished!" The berry roared before continuing "I admit it probably wasn't the smartest choice agreeing to go out with someone like Grimmjow but that wasn't your decision to make! I was attracted to him and felt like giving it a go and what did you do? You fucking bring Ulquiorra on to the scene-not that I have anything against Ulquiorra mind you but everything was perfectly fine until you thought it would be a good idea to tickle their brains and-

"I merely-

"Still talking here-those are only some examples-I have a whole list of reasons to be pissed at you but quite frankly I don't care to hear your fucking lies and excuses at the moment-right now I only care about one thing and that's this!"

The berry stripped off all of his clothes until he was left standing in his boxers.

Rangiku was silent for a few minutes.

Even though she had expected it and was partially responsible-it was a bit of shock looking at her dearest nephew right now-he looked so much like her dead sister-practically a spitting image minus the hair-no one had hair like Ichigo!

"Well?" Flicking her bangs out of fierce brown eyes, hands on her hips, tapping her foot-Yes her nephew was one very pissed off young woman at the moment. (3)

Rangiku looked over to the Coyote-finding that while the gentleman was silent and on his very best behavior, a light smile was playing about his lips.

She wasn't all that surprised since a man like Starrk didn't seem like the type to get caught up in silly things like gender anyway.

"RANGIKU!"

The anger in the strawberry's voice-the rage sent shivers down the woman's spine.

She pouted. "Angry or not I am still your aunt and at the very least I expect you to-

Brown eyes narrowed to thin slits and the berry hissed out "I owe you nothing! You're lucky I haven't completely disowned you-all the shit you've put me through I should j-

"Now Ichigo, calm down all this anger and stress isn't good for the baby."

The berry blinked once, twice and then

"WHAT?"

()()()

Trying to explain everything to Ichigo at this early hour in the morning was too exhausting-Rangiku just did not have the energy for it.

"I shall show you the answers with the help of my crystal globe…

_Many years ago…_

_**Our story begins with a forbidden romance only their tale does not end tragically like Romeo and Juliet-but its not all daises and roses either.**_

_**Hell hath no fury like a good woman scorned-rings twice as true when a man upsets and breaks the heart of a powerful gypsy.**_

_**She had gotten the idea from her half sister over in France-but instead of transforming her love into a beast on all fours she would strip the bastard of the thing he was most fond of-his manhood.**_

_**We are not talking about castration here-no we are talking about a transformation-a simple transformation-turning a man into a woman.**_

()()

Ichigo raised a brow stopping Rangiku's story "Do you honestly expect me to believe this."

"Like it or not it is true."

"This gypsy and her lover-their what my ancestors or something?'

Rangiku smirked and Ichigo wanted to smack the woman. "Precisely but there's a lot more to it-that is only the first tale-the second is about gypsy who fell in love with a pirate-

"A pirate? Stop stalling and get to the point! What is happening to me? Is it a curse or a spell-I didn't break a woman's heart so why is this-

"It's not permanent Ichigo."

"It's not?"

That was a major relief.

"Well then hurry up and switch me back I have things to do."

Rangiku shook her head "It doesn't work that way."

A glare "What do you mean it doesn't-

()()()

Our third story follows a proud and wealthy family man-If he were alive you would refer to him as your grandfather Ichigo-

"My grandfather? What does a man I've never met have to do with my being temporarily stuck in a woman's body?"

"_Just about everything. Your grandfather was fond of old fables you see and he also held a real fondness for scientific experiments especially since he did not believe that magic and things of that nature truly existed. _

_One day during one of his man journeys over sees he came across a lovely blonde woman in at an outdoor market-_

_In exchange for a lock of his hair she would give him a rare tea pot._

()()

"A tea pot? Come on I'm not joking Rangiku, hurry up and switch me back-if I really am with child I don't know send it back or something."

"Don't be so selfish Ichigo. The child is not only yours you know."

Ichigo held the side of his head and glanced over at Starrk who had kept his promise and let him do all the talking. He knew he was acting irrational but he just couldn't stand to be stuck in a body that was not his.

It made him twice as moody and he could swear he was packing on the pounds by the minute.

"Fine so what happened with this magic teapot?"

()()()

_Your grandfather brewed himself a pot of tea, sipped it and fell asleep-when he awoke on the following morning he noticed that there was something very different about him-even the way he carried him self-he seemed to be sashaying which was weird and most unsettling._

_He stumbled into the bathroom with a lamp and looked at himself in the mirror-deciding that all things considered he was not a bad looking broad._

_Ever the young boy at heart, he ventured out into the city of Paris and took note of the attention he had quickly attracted-and then he spotted the blonde woman from the market and called out to her-when she turned down the alley he picked up his dress and ran after her-she had not gotten far._

_()()_

"And?" Ichigo prompted the woman to continue.

"And your grandfather asked the blonde if she was a witch-she threw her head back and laughed

()()

"_I am not a witch but a gypsy-a gypsy on the hunt for a man who can change the way humans look at life. The tea pot I have given to you is no ordinary tea pot-a single sip and ones blood will be altered-it s a little different with every man but if you were to say make a cup of tea for your son instead of an immediate transformation like you yourself experienced his would gradually shift over time-ranging anywhere from 16 to 21 years of age."_

()()

Ichigo, understandably was fucking pissed.

"He agreed to that? He agreed to serving us tea out of a cursed tea pot for what-his own amusement? What an asshole-I'm glad I never met him because if I had-

"Calm down Ichigo, there is more to it."

()()()

_The blonde gypsy did not tell your grandfather this at the time but you see she wasn't even from the same land as him-no she had journeyed far and wide from the land of tea-a princess-a princess who-_

_()()_

"I don't care about a princess from the land of tea or whatever-how come goat face never told me any of this? Is this-this stupid curse that came from a tea pot the reason he and my mother died in they're 30's? Exactly how much damn tea did he drink? Am I going to head to the pearly gates or the fiery pits in a few short years? Is Starrk going to be dragged along with me? Exactly how much time do I-

"Ichigo you're getting way way way ahead of yourself. Please don't jump to such dramatic and depressing conclusions. Your parents did not die because Isshin drank several pots of tea-they died because their souls were-

Rangiku trailed off-

"It's best if I just-

"No," Ichigo shook her head firmly, brown eyes hard "No you will finish your sentence."

"Torn." Rangiku lifted her teacup and the berry wanted to rip it out of the woman's hand and smash it against the wall-but she reigned in her anger when she felt Starrk place his hand on top of hers.

She gave the blonde a moment or two before demanding that she continue.

Rangiku heaved a heavy sigh and turned to the globe once more

()()

_**Our story begins with one Kurosaki Isshin. Isshin is your average teenage boy-a proud fan of hot babes with large boobies in super short skirts and bikinis.**_

_**Isshin loves to flaunt and flirt and he can do it better than the rest-a lot like a robin in spring time out scouting for a potential mate he wears loud and colorful clothing attire and has a boisterous laugh which echoes over mountains, valleys and the high seas. **_

_**He is not quite a class clown or delinquent rather somewhere in between-making the female population both young and old fall all over him-loving every minute of it. Hell Isshin loves himself.**_

_**Or at least this is the image the dark haired youth presents when he goes about his daily life. At night it is an entirely different story-why if one didn't know better they'd he was an entirely different person. Sitting quietly on the rooftop of his house counting the stars in the sky and dreaming of a different life.**_

_**A life a bright flashing lights skin tight clothes and smooth and rock hard bodies. Isshin does not think this makes him gay or even bi-he defines himself as merely a curious individual who honestly thinks it might be fun to hook up with the member of the same sex.**_

_**This is not a new idea-no it has been brewing in the dark haired youth's mind for quite awhile-even more so when he discovered his father's 'man diary'**_

_**()()()**_

"Rangiku I'm warning you."

"Ichigo, please call me Aunt Rangiku, the way you say my name like that-I'm starting to think you no longer c-

"Fine aunt Rangiku can you please just get to the point-you say my father's soul is torn-okay I get that," a frown "Sort of anyway-but what about my mother?"

"Well it might interest you to know that your dear mother and my sister Masaki is something special in her own right-but before I get to that have you ever asked yourself why despite coming from a long line of gypsies she did not practice the art?"

Ichigo had given it a thought a time or two but-

"Why?"

"Because there was no need for it."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning she herself had inherited the traits of a hybrid and by the time she met your father well…

"Well what?"

Rangiku looked over at Starrk before continuing, "Hybrids are a lot like wolves-they mate for life. Masaki found her mate before she had even reached her 13th year but sadly she was murdered by another-jealousy issues-you know how the old story goes-

"Wait back up-she-you mean my mother loved another hybrid who happened to be a female?"

"I don't see why it should come as such a shock Ichigo-I'm sure you recall that both of your parents were anything but traditional?"

Ichigo let out a sigh. "So my father had a torn soul because of self identity issues and even though she came close my mother was never able to fully mend it and in turn my mother had a torn soul because she had lost her first love before she even begun to fully experience and enjoy it?"

"That's about right but you are still missing a few more factors."

"Factors? What factors?"

"The key factors, the orb for one, yes that orb-the very same orb that helped create you." 

"Wait! What?"

"It's complicated and not even all the flashbacks in the world could cover every single little detail Ichigo-

"The hell it won't-tell me what I need to know-stop speaking in rhymes and riddles-what the hell do you mean that that orb sex toy thing helped create me?"

"Honestly Ichigo didn't you ever wonder why there were never any pictures of Masaki while she was pregnant with you-

"I figured it was a surrogate or something-what are you-

And then it dawned on the berry-

"Are you trying to tell me that goat face gave birth to me?"

"Yes."

"…"

"I have a question."

Ah at last the Coyote speaks.

Rangiku lifted her teacup but encouraged the man to continue

"The two women in those dreams on top of the tower-they were/are Ichigo's-?"

"His parents, yes. It's a bit complicated to explain but Isshin's never been very um accepting of the curse-even though a lot of positive things came out of it-he was first and far most a man and so it was difficult for him to show his true form when it came to-

"Enough! Tell me about Ishida Ryuken-if you know all this other stuff then I'm guessing you know about him to-did he know about my father's curse-did they have-were they-

Ichigo couldn't bring himself to say it out loud but he had to know-not only so he could report it back to Ishida confirming what his friend had told him but also to get a better understanding of everything his aunt was trying to tell him.

He almost felt guilty for asking for the woman to elaborate-seemed by doing so he was betraying his dearest mother some how-he didn't care if she had been in love before she met his father-goat face had been damn lucky that someone as radiant and beautiful as his mother had even given him a second glance.

He just hoped that once he learned about Ryuken he wouldn't suddenly have the extreme urge to hunt the man down.

()()()

_**Ishida Ryuken or Ryu-kun as I have taken to calling him is Isshin's long time next door neighbor-the two are as different as night and day. **_

_**Ryu doesn't waste his time and energy on wooing, wining and dining the fairer sex-he focuses all of his energy on his studies-his favorite subject is you guessed it-Isshin.**_

_**Every night after every one else has gone to sleep Ryu-kun sneaks out of the house and climbs to the highest tree with the hopes of catching even just the briefest glimpse of his favorite subject.**_

()()

"So then it was a one-sided love from far away kind of thing just like Ishida said?"

"Very close to it but not entirely for you see because being next door neighbors Isshin and Ryuken would eventually have to cross paths-in fact Ryuken made sure of it but he was a smart boy and tempting though it might have been he knew he most definitely could not just step out of the shadows and pounce on the dark haired youth.

He had to adapt the best friend role-

"Best friends? Are you sure we're talking about the same Ishida Ryuken? Far as I knew he could barely tolerate goat face."

"You of all people should know that things aren't always what they seem."

Ichigo was beginning to develop a headache. Not sure how much more he could take.

"My mother wasn't an idiot-surely you would have noticed that another person was crushing on her boyfriend at the time right?"

"It's complicated Ichigo just as all love is complicated."

A sigh "Fine, fine let's get back to the curse-when did my mother discover that my father was well…different?"

Rangiku's laugh was light and airy. "Ah now that that is a fun story-yes I will show you that one…

()()

_**Ryu-kun was not a deep sleeper so when he finally entered the wonderful world of dream land he did not wish to be disturbed,**_

_**In fact he would come very close to killing or at least severely injuring the one who had dared to wake him.**_

_**A rapid tapping sound of his bedroom window pulled the light-haired youth from his slumber.**_

_**He blinked blearily into the darkness, fingers moving across his dresser as he searched for his glasses-once he placed them on his face and looked towards the window-frowning at the sight-it was open-open in the middle of a rainstorm-he would never leave his window open in the middle of a rainstorm.**_

_**In fact no one in they're right mind would open a window in the middle of a harsh rainstorm-he glared at the figure by the door not recognizing the intruder "You have exactly one minute to tell me who you are and explain why you think it wise to sneak into my bedroom at such an ungodly hour."**_

"_**That is so like you Ryuken-always so quick to kick a man out even before he's had a chance to explain while he's come to you."**_

_**Ryu-kun blinked. It sounded like something Kurosaki would say only it couldn't be his Isshin-Isshin didn't have a voice like a seductive temptress in the shadows.**_

_**A light was turned on and once again Ryu-kun blinked. Clearly a woman-granted a rather tall one but a woman nonetheless-a woman dressed a black hoodie and bright colored parachute pants-**_

_**The hood was pulled back revealing long black tresses "I know I don't look like it but I am Isshin."**_

_**Ryu-kun was still doubtful but decided he might as well hear the woman out. He patted the empty spot on the bed and Isshin told him the story of the Kurosaki blood line-explaining that only males were effected because they deserved to be punished.**_

_**()()**_

"_**What am I going to do?" The dark haired woman wailed and sobbed into Ryu-kun's shirt "I'm supposed to see Masaki in 3 days, and I had it all planned out-I was going to take her out to her favorite restaurant and ask her to be mine forever but-I can't let her see me like this."**_

"_**Hush now, if that woman really does love you then she'll accept you no matter what you look like."**_

_**Isshin sniffed and rested his head in Ryu-kun's lap-not having any idea what kind of effect he was having on the other young man.**_

"_**Do you mind if I crash here tonight?"**_

_**Sharing a bed with his Isshin-oh Ryu-kun had imagined it many times-granted it was under slightly different circumstances but Isshin was Isshin and he would be a fool to pass up such an opportunity.**_

"_**Of course you can."**_

_**Isshin lifted his head and for the first time in the past half hour a grin made its way on to his face and he further expressed his appreciation by giving the other male a hug.**_

_**Then a moment or two later…**_

"_**Don't think that just because we're sharing a bed one night that means you can grope my ass or something!"**_

_**Dark blues flashed "I wouldn't dream of it you just better make sure that you don't drool or wet the bed-after all being the extreme pervert that you are I wouldn't be surprised if you fondled yourself once I shut the light off."**_

_**A pause and then the black haired youth lunged at Ryu-kun**_

"_**BASTARD!"**_

_**()()**_

_**Masaki is very in tune with those around her-she can sense another's pain, anxiety, fear, happiness and a number of other emotions which make up mankind as a whole.**_

_**And although she does not always like to admit it from time to time her human half dominates her hybrid side and her emotions get the best of her.**_

_**She sits in a café nursing a cup of freshly brewed coffee while she awaits the arrival of her potential mate Isshin, he is not exactly the smartest, classiest or most talented member of his species but no other has ever made her laugh like he does-no other has ever made her feel like she is the single most beautiful creature in existence-not even her dearly departed 'Ima' **_

_**()()**_

_**It is 15 minutes past the time when they had planned to meet and Masaki is growing worried.**_

_**It is not like Isshin to be late for one of their dates-late for other occasions yes but late to see her? Never.**_

_**She bites her bottom cherry painted lip and then closes her eyes trying to feel out his energy-**_

_**Some of the tension in her shoulder releases when she catches a flicker of that golden energy-he's seems to be a bit frazzled and slightly short of breath but other than that he seems perfectly fine.**_

_**()()**_

_**A frown mars Masaki's normally flawless face. Her insight has never her wrong before then why now-why now does she feel like something is very very wrong.**_

_**Isshin has barely said a word-hasn't even complimented her on her new dress or glanced at the menu-he is staring blankly into his water glass-shoulders slumped-a dark hood covering most of his face-**_

_**What is going on?**_

_**Masaki reaches across the table and places her hand on Isshin's shoulder-he rudely shrugs it away and stomps off to the bathroom.**_

_**She feels hurt and angry all at once but she will not jump to conclusions-humans are rather complex creatures and sometimes their behavior can be quite baffling-**_

_**She shakes her head-there is no need to worry. **_

_**In a few moments time Isshin will return to the table and apologize for shoving her away-he will look into her eyes and declare his love for her once again-**_

_**()()**_

_**Looking unusually pale-hood pulled down even further-twisting his napkin between his fingers but not once looking up at her.**_

_**Masaki has had enough.**_

_**She is a strong independent and highly intelligent woman and she will not be toyed with.**_

_**Her fist comes down on top of the table**_

"_**Isshin you have 5 minutes to tell me why you refuse to speak or even look at me or I am walking out those front doors and out of your life forever."**_

_**Her love seems to be struggling with his words-torn between feeling annoyed and alarmed Masaki lets a minute pass before she tries again-in a calmer tone this time**_

"_**Isshin please look at me."**_

_**And so he does and Masaki holds back a gasp-he looks like he hasn't had a proper nights rest in days.**_

"_**What happened to you? Is it your father?"**_

_**She knows the man is up there in years.**_

_**A snort. A barely there snort but a snort nonetheless.**_

"_**Okay so it isn't your father-then what is it? Why do you refuse to look at me? Talk to me, please!"**_

_**She hates begging, pleading, giving off the image of the weak and vulnerable woman she most definitely is not.**_

_**But he is truly beginning to scare her.**_

"_**Isshin!"**_

"_**I-**_

"_**You?" She smiles encouraging her love to continue**_

"_**I-I want to tell you but-**_

_**He trails off-head practically in his water glass now.**_

_**Masaki throws down her napkin and stands up. "You know what forget it! I deserve better than this. If you aren't going to be man enough to tell me what ever it is that is plaguing your thoughts-making you look like death itself has come to pay you a visit-if you're not going to be honest with me then I have no reason to stick around."**_

_**She turns to leave but is stopped by the hold he has on her long skirt **_

"_**Don't leave I love you I swear and it would make the single most happiest man on earth if you'll say you'll be my bride."**_

_**Long declarations of love-creating a scene-that is most definitely Isshin but that voice?**_

_**She turns finding a woman with long dark hair cleaning to her skirt like it's a life vest-looking up at her with dark brown-nearly black eyes-eyes that she fell in love with-**_

_**A smirk makes its way onto Masaki's face-an interesting but not entirely unpleasant surprise, she places her hand on top of his head patting it lightly "I think what you meant to say my darling is 'it would make you the single most happiest woman on earth if I agree to be your bride."**_

()()()

Ichigo wiped at the tear in the corner of his eye.

Deciding that he liked the real story of his parents engagement a lot more then the fabricated lie goat face had spun about a gorilla king and dancing hula girls.

()()()

_**EPILOGUE**_

Five and a half months later…

Because the berry is and will always be male, pregnancies are shorter…

Ichigo was pretty damn sure that having this many people in the delivery room went against hospital policies-but seeing as the doctor who owned the building was also in the room it apparently didn't matter.

He was rather impressed that the Coyote-no _his_ Coyote had managed to gather every one he knew all at once.

He had expected his twin sisters and a few of his closest friends-he hadn't expected to see his former admirers or his boss or the shady blond who'd sold them that broken down overpriced satellite dish-hadn't expected the Yakuza or his entire cleaning staff including his former maid.

He looked at Starrk and the man simply smiled and mouthed out "More people, more presents."

Apparently his mate was determined to collect as many gifts as possible especially since Ichigo had refused to host a baby shower.

But the berry was also a little annoyed-his new born baby girl was being tossed around from person to person-hell even the Kenpachi and Nnoitra had cradled her in their arms for a few minutes but he was technically her freakin' mother and he'd barely even gotten a chance to look at her.

"GIVE ME MY BABY!"

()()

FIN

()()()

Yes that's it. No more. The end. When all else fails crack, humor and out of this world bizarreness is the way to go. Thank you again to one and all for joining me on the CONARTIST project…

Cirucci the slutty maid from Kansas, I have no excuse other than the wicked witch of the west theme song from the Wizard of Oz was playing in my head when I first brought her on to the scene

He had no judgment when it came to men- this came straight out of a BL novel translated in the English version of the Guilty Volume 1

Ane-chan painted the image and gave me permission to run with it

See you round

Readers/reviewers/lurkers

~SLY~


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